Generic
Manga story #3: Foment-Despondent
Author=s note: Yes, I
have worked in call centers off and on for more than 6 years now. I am
currently working in one. Some of the incidents I depict really happened. Some did
not. Try to see if you can guess which ones. Many people wonder why Customer
Service Agents are the way they are. It=s because we are
inundated for 8 hours a day 5 days a week with the most foulest nagging,
complaining, bitterness and bile you can imagine. It=s because when
people complain, they blame the person they=re talking to. It=s the CSR=s fault that it
went wrong, even though they did nothing to cause the problem. Often they have
the attitude of the CSR has some magic wand that they can wave that will make
things all right immediately. Try to guess which happened and which didn’t.
Hint: six actually happened, four did not.
Foment-Despondent,
Inc. was a nice little hell hole to work at. A small business, they specialized
in businesses that didn't need a huge number of representatives on their lines.
Consequently, their agents were trained in several projects at once. Having
expanded a bit in the last few months, Foment-Despondent hired two new people
to work for them: a plucky, likable young man named Chip Amiable and a cute
young woman named Katie Saccharine. Other current members of the
Foment-Despondent team were senior representative Dorothy Petulant, and agents
Jenny Limber and Haiwanto Ghetsum. Their front office secretary was a blonde
bombshell type named Vix Essenem. The supervisor is one of the business= founders, Trey
Despondent.
Katie
Saccharine and Chip Amiable arrived promptly on time at 8:00am for their
training. AWelcome to Foment-Despondent.@ Trey Despondent
said. AI am one of the founders, Trey
Despondent. I=ll give you the 5 cent tour and then show
you what you=ll be expected to do.@ Katie, ever the
obscenely cheerful type, announced she was eager to please and have fun
working. Trey merely shook his head at this. Well, after the tour, Trey took
Katie and Chip over to the cubicles where they would be working. He introduced
Chip and Katie to the rest of the team. Chip told the others he wanted to be
the greatest Customer Service person in the world. AAim high,
brother.@ Trey said sarcastically. Katie seemed of
similar mind: AI know I=ll do well here
because I=m always nice and I have an innate
ability to make people feel better.@ She said. AWell, we=ll soon cure you
of that.@ Dorothy remarked.
Then
Trey gave them their first assignment: the call line for a toy company. They
would have to answer questions about those el cheapo brand hand-held toys with
names like ARacing Game.@ However, this
day was probably the worst day to be on that line. It seems that some
disgruntled Chinese workers had programmed a bunch of porno images into one of
the games to get back at their communist masters. Katie Saccharine received the
first complaint about this. The person who called in was madder than a wet hen.
He gave his eight-year-old daughter one of these games. AWHAT THE #@$%*
ARE THESE @#$*& DOING IN MY DAUGHTER=S GAME!?@ Was the cleanest
line the man said. He used enough swear words to make a Marine blush. Poor
Katie couldn't get a word in as this guy ranted and raved nonstop about how the
child=s game contained some naughty images.
Katie tried to interrupt him to calm him down, but the guy was relentless.
After about 3 minutes of this, Katie couldn't take anymore. She threw off her
headset, ran into a corner, and started crying, burying her face in her hands.@Looks like I was
right.@ Guy Iconic said. AI never said you
were wrong.@ Dorothy Petulant retorted. Chip Amiable
took the next call, and tried to placate the angry woman that called in.
Unfortunately, the fabled Acalming tone@ in which Chip
was supposed to have perfected did not work. She ranted and shouted at Chip as
if Chip had told her he killed her daughter. AMY SIX-YEAR-OLD
SON SAW SOME NOT-NICE STUFF THANKS TO YOUR TOY!!@ She shouted. AMa=am, I understand
that you=re hurt, and we do apologize -A Chip started. ADON=T GIVE ME THAT!!
YOU HAVE GIVEN MY CHILD A SEVERE TRAUMA!! IT WILL TAKE YEARS OF INTENSIVE
PSYCHOTHERAPY TO OVERCOME THIS!!@ She shouted at
him. Chip was driven to tears as well.
While
the new guys were in the corners sobbing their eyes out, Jenny Limber was on
another project. She was working for a food company that specialized in exotic
foods. Well, one of their products contained soybeans, but was not labeled as
such. A woman had bought this product thinking it was soybean free, so she
could eat it. The problem was she was very allergic to soybeans. She had to be
rushed to a hospital and have her stomach pumped to stop the violent reaction
to this. While Jenny did not take the initial call, she did take the follow-up
call. To compensate this customer for all the pain and suffering she endured,
the company in question gave her coupons... for the exact same product that
made her so deathly ill. Even worse, the largest one was only 5 cents off. AYou don=t honestly expect
me to use these #@$& things, do you!?@ She shouted at
Jenny. AWell ma=am, not really,
but I -A Jenny started. AI will haul all
of your butts into court! First you don=t properly mark a
product, then you expect me to buy more with the coupons you send me!@ The woman
responded. Jenny could only sit in horror and numb shock as the woman continued
to rant. After a good while of this, the woman hung up. AI don=t think she
wanted my help anyway.@ Jenny said.
AGET BACK TO WORK, YOU LAZY COW!!@ Trey Despondent
shouted at Katie Saccharine. A>SOB!< That
man swore at me!@ Katie said between sobs. Trey grabbed
Katie=s arm and pushed her back to her cubicle.
AI DON=T CARE IF THEY
THREATENED TO KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY! YOU ARE ON COMPANY TIME, AND YOU MUST
WORK!!@
Trey responded. Trey then grabbed Katie by her other arm and pushed her
right back at the phones. ALess talk! More
work!@ Trey shouted. Well, Katie reluctantly
took her position back at the phones. Fortunately, her second call was not
about the porno-laden game. Meanwhile, Chip Amiable was fielding another call.
The caller was stoned out of his mind, and barely coherent. ADude, like, my
grab-em-all game got like super hot, and so to cool it off I poured water all
over it. Now it like won=t work.@ The stoner
slurred. AWell, that=s because it=s not supposed to
be exposed to water.@ Chip replied. ANow, you should
disconnect the power source and -A The stoner cut
Chip off in mid-sentence. ADude! That like
won=t make it work! I won=t do that!@ The stoner said.
After a bit of arguing, Chip realized that if you argue with a fool, he=s doing the same
thing. AO.k., fine. So could you give me the
serial # of that game? It=s on the bottom of the game.@ Chip said. AAll right, dude.@ The stoner replied.
The next sound Chip heard was a loud electrical crackle. After that, the phone
went dead. AOops.@ Chip replied.
Dorothy
Petulant was working on another campaign that day. This one was a help line for
a record company. If you had a problem with the CD, then call that number.
Well, the caller had bought a CD by this company that was in several pieces
when he got it. AWell sir, if you simply package
everything up, send it to us via overnight mail, we will be happy to replace
it.@ Dorothy said. AOvernight? Why
can=t I send it regular mail?@ The caller
asked. ALook pal, I don=t make the rules,
I just have to tell them to you.@ Dorothy
retorted. A The conversation went downhill from
there. While Dorothy was a senior CSR, her track record with clients wasn=t the best.
Haiwanto
Ghetsum was on the final campaign. This was for a small comic book company that
was just starting out. This is where the wholesalers and distributors called in
to order stuff. The problem was, the phone number of this company was one digit
different from a phone sex line. AThank you for
calling
Trey
Despondent was very fed up with Katie Saccharine=s sobbing and
crying. ATHIS IS NOT A PLACE TO CRY, THIS IS A
BUSINESS!! GET BACK TO WORK NOW!!@ Trey shouted at
Katie. At that time Mr. Foment, an elderly man entered, clad in a suit and tie.
ATrey. I have seen enough. Put Katie on
the Powercard account.@ Mr. Foment said. Trey did as Mr. Foment
asked. AThe powercard line is a toll-free line
where kids call to sign up for a card that will allow them discounts for
videogames at certain shops. Katie was relieved that she had been taken off the
el cheapo handheld games account. AThis is the
easiest campaign we=ve got. You just put the kids' names and
address into the computer, and the computer will do the rest.@ Trey said. Katie
liked this campaign much more. Always a natural with kids, Katie was able to
process cards quickly. However, it was the last call of the day that got her
discombobulated. The kid called in and said his/her name (it was hard to tell
whether it was a boy or a girl) was something that sounded like Eve. ASo that=s e-v-e Eve?@ Katie asked. ANo. Eve!@ The kid
responded. AIs that Y-v-e-s?@ Katie asked. ANo Eve!@ The kid
responded. AOkay... so how do you spell it?@ AEve!@ The kid
responded. Katie was starting to get worried. AAll right, but
how do you spell it?@ She repeated, her voice slightly louder.
AEVE!@ The kid shouted
back. AReeve?@ Katie asked. ANo! Eve! You no
listen!@ The kid said.
In
another campaign, they handled complaints for a refrigerator repair shop. Jenny
Limber took this call. The woman on the other end was very angry to say the
least. "Your repairman told me he had to leave to buy a car! Since when
did personal things come before the customer?!" The woman shouted at
Jenny.
"We
do apologize for this, and I assure you that he will-" Jenny was cut off
mid-sentence. "Look girl, I don't care if he had to go save his mother's
life! You get someone's #&%@ out here now!!" The woman shouted. Jenny
could only take her headset off, turn the volume to one and shake her head. She
still heard the woman screaming her head off. "What kind of &*#@$
business lets their $%&@ repairmen do that!? You people are utterly incompetent!!
I can't believe you'd let him get away with this!!" She continued to
shout. Stopping her at this point was like trying to stop a bullet train. She
continued to rant & rave quite a bit after that. She would not let Jenny
get a word in edgewise. Had Jenny said anything at this point, it would have
only made her angrier. Jenny merely walked away and took a break. When he came
back, she was still ranting and raving at the top of her lungs. She did not
seem to want to be helped, but rather wanted someone to complain to. Jenny
walked away from the cubicle and took another break. Five minutes later, she
came back and found the woman still ranting and raving. Fortunately, she
suddenly stopped. "I see I've wasted my time! Well, you people will be
hearing from my lawyers!!" She shouted as she hung up the phone. What
Jenny thought about this woman would violate the web site's profanity
policies....
Back
with Chip Amiable, he was still fielding calls in the handheld game department.
"I want to talk to the president of this company now!" The man on the
other end said. Chip was
Not
about to tell the man that it wasn't worth the president's time to handle a
call. Chip said Trey was on another line and asked if he could help. "Look
you brat, I don't deal with flunkies! Get me the president of this company
now!" Chip thought for a moment. "Sir, if this is about the
pornography, we do apologize-" Chip was cut off mid-sentence. "Look
pal, shut your stinkin' pie hole and get me the president now!" The man said.
Chip then talked to Trey. "Bah! Pathetic worm! Just get rid of him!"
Trey said. Chip went back to the phone and told the man that he had to let Chip
try to help first before Chip could hand him over to the supervisor. "You
people are stupid. No, saying you're stupid would be degrading to stupid
people! I am not hanging up until I get
the president of this company on the line!" He said. Chip became fed up
after nine more minutes of this and hung up on the man...
Dorothy
Petulant, our generic angry girl was working on a new campaign: this one was a
small survey that one called in to take. She took the next call. "Thank
you for calling Lux mothballs, are you calling about the survey?" Dorothy
asked. "Yup." The caller said Dorothy took the basic info like name,
address, etc. Then they asked about how they used Lux mothballs. "Now I
have a few statements about Lux mothballs, tell me whether you agree or
disagree with this statement. The first one is: Lux mothballs are
reliable." Dorothy read a few more. "Lux mothballs are
exciting." She said. The respondent could only laugh. This made Dorothy
mad. "Look pal, I don't make up these stupid things up, I just read
them." Dorothy snapped. The caller tried in vain to stop laughing.
"Oh yea, mothballs are just so exciting." The respondent said,
sarcasm dripping from every word. Dorothy continued the survey and just said
no.
Katie
Saccharine was now over at the refrigerator campaign. She took the next call
from a customer. "Your repairman is a total idiot!" The man shouted.
Katie tried to calm the man down. "Why would you say that, sir?" She
asked. "My refrigerator won't cool things. He came out here and said there
was nothing wrong with it!" The customer shouted. "Well, did he do
any tests on it?" Katie asked. "Yes, only after I forced him to do
that. He kept insisting that it be plugged in! Any idiot knows you don't need
to do that!" The customer insisted. Katie realized she wasn't dealing with
a very smart person. "Sir, the machine does need electrical power to work
properly. If you -" This only served to make the customer angrier.
"You don't know what you're &*$#@% talking about!! That does it! I'm
not using anything of yours again!!" The customer slammed the phone down
hard, and Katie could only wonder how someone could be so clueless...
Guy
Iconic was working on the food campaign. At the other end of the line was the
generic moongirl. "This is Guy Iconic, how may I help you?" Guy
asked. "The ship drove the store down luck!" The moongirl replied.
Naturally, Guy was confused. "Excuse me?" He asked. "Drums along
the Yangtze! Stock in on kindness!" The moongirl responded. This served to
confuse Guy even more. "I don't understand you." Guy said. Katie
Saccharine overheard Guy's confusion, and approached him. "Here, let me. I
speak moongirlese." Katie said. Guy let Katie take over. "Throw your
foot through the window?" Katie asked. "The ship drove the store down
luck!" The moongirl replied. "Oh. Partial to figs and armpits?"
Katie asked. "Mona Lisa nose hairs! Strap up the oranges!" The
moongirl said. Katie smiled. "Whimper into his hat and gather sausages for
the barcolounger." She said. Guy was as hopelessly lost as the rest of us.
"What the %&*#?!" He thought. "Ruffle plankton shell."
Katie said before hanging up the phone. "What was that about?" Guy
asked. "Wrong number." Katie replied.
Haiwanto
Ghetsum was working another campaign. This one involved a special lubricant
available online only. This phone rang rarely, because 99% of business was done
online. "Jefferson lubes, this is Haiwanto Ghetsum, how may I help
you?" Haiwanto asked. A very sexy female voice was on the other end.
"I have a small problem. I ordered a bottle of Jefferson Lube plus online,
and the receipt I got in my e-mail says I ordered 100 bottles." Haiwanto's
libido went into overdrive. "Oh wow! A pretty girl needs me! I'll do
anything for you babe!" Haiwanto said. Haiwanto then proceeded to credit
her account, giving her the 100 bottles free. "Oh, thank you so
much." The woman said as Haiwanto passed out. Unfortunately, for the woman,
Trey Despondent was the one who was closest to Haiwanto. Trey picked up the
call. "May I help you?" Trey asked. Trey then read the screen, and
was extremely upset. "You arrogant cow! You were taking advantage of one
of my employees! You will now have only one bottle for the price of ten!"
Trey then hung up on the woman and turned to Haiwanto. "Get up, you lazy
bum! I don't pay you to lie there unconscious! I pay you to work!" Trey
shouted as he gave Haiwanto a swift kick. About three kicks later, Haiwanto
woke up. "Ow! What was that for?" Haiwanto asked. Trey's head grew
incredibly large as he shouted at Haiwanto. "GET BACK TO WORK, YOU LAZY
BUM!!!" Trey shouted. I'M DOCKING YOU FOR THE TIME YOU WERE
UNCONSCIOUS!!" Haiwanto limped back to work...
Well,
at the end of the day, our big-eyed players closed up the place and left,
setting the answering machines. "So what did you think of your first
day?" Dorothy Petulant asked Katie Saccharine. Katie immediately broke
down and cried. "NO! Please don't make me go back there again tomorrow!
I'd rather be in a bondage hentai than go there again!" Katie sobbed.
"I told Foment it was a mistake in hiring you. If you quit, all the better
for the rest of us!" Trey said in a disparaging tone. Katie ran from the
parking lot crying her eyes out. Chip Amiable followed her, comforting her as
best he could. "Don't worry, Katie. It won't be as bad tomorrow."
Chip said. He put an arm around her to comfort her. Katie cried on Chip's
shoulder. "Lucky dog." Haiwanto said. "Come on, let's go
shopping." Vix said.
-End-
So
to summarize, the events in question are:
1.
Porno in a handheld computer
2.
Coupons to the sick
3.
Must send things overnight
4.
Kid that only said his first name, refused to spell it.
5.
Repairman leaves suddenly to buy a car.
6.
Customer wants to talk to president of company – right now!
7.
Survey asks if mothballs are exciting
8.
Customer refuses to allow technician to plug in refrigerator
9.
Generic Moongirl calls
10.
Woman uses sexy voice to manipulate guy.