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1. Thorughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry it to the bathroom.
4. In one swift move place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on lid so can cannot excape.
5. The cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet; cat is enjoying this.)
6. Flush toilet 3 to 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone upen outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where it will air dry.
Sincerely,
The Dog
1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be suprised to find movie rentals and fish bait in the same store.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "all y'alls" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can't understand you either.
6. Mama'n'em" is not one person. When someone asks, "How's your Mama'n'em?" They're referring to the whole family.
7. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
8. If you hear a West Virginian exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," stay out of the way. These are likly the last words he'll ever say.
9. Do not be suprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.
10. Duct tape is not only part of every survival kit, it is the whole kit.
11. Rasslin' is not fake. Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kind-hearted West Virginian to fix your busted head with duct tape.
12. Richard Petty, Dale Earnheart and Elvis are good ole' boys. Jeff Gordon isn't.
13. Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and armadillos on the Ark.
14. If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the way. Some West Virginians view that sound like pay-off bells at a slot machine.
15. Don't be suprised if an obiturary mentions that the deceased requested to be buried in his four wheel drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
16. "Y'all come back now, ya hear," is a temporary statement. We love Yahkees to visit, but darn (or worse) Yankees are those who decide to stay.
17. If you decide to stay in West Virginia and bear children, don't think we will accept them as West Virginians. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
18. If you hear someone use the word FIX or FIXIN' and it isn't in the sense that they are repairing something. Example: I'm FIXIN' to go to the store... or "Y'all FIX me a coke in there will ya!" This is a valid part of West Virginia grammar and is taught regularly in out English classes at school.
