| The Duck Hunter�s Diary by Robert N. Kirkpatrick 5:30 AM - Nothing happened at first light - approximately 20 minutes later I heard a bubbling sound, off to my right - was surprised to see a nude glowing form slowly rising out of the water - turned out to be Ned Perme - he barked twice (like a miniature poodle) and then streaked thru the sky towards the southwest - I shot twice, but missed - I�ll be watching for him, tomorrow. 6:30 AM - Have realized that no one else is going to show up (again) - will leave note for myself to change �Depends� more than once a day - several mallards landed just a few yards in front of me - was going to shoot, when I suddenly became aware that their positions in the water spelled out the phrase �Peek-a-boo!� - took a stiff drink of coffee - they flew off, a few seconds later. 7:30 AM - Saw a herd of swimming squirrels go by - don�t guess I knew that they could swim - was very surprised by that (and the helmets that they wore) - don�t know why they would be humming the theme song from �Bonanza� either - they sounded pretty good. 8:30 AM - Drug out my old trusty calculator and started figuring out the amount of money that I have spent on �creamed corn� during the last six months - absolutely astonishing! 9:30 AM - Dozed off to sleep - woke to find an enraged ferret, loose in my waders - lured him out with my impression of Harrison Ford - works every time! 10:30 AM - An ominous cloud, coming from the west, was the herald for the arrival of the skeleton of Raymond Burr - we talked awhile, exchanging recipes for canned corn and 3 centimeter diameter peas - he, eventually, had to go, claming a pressing engagement in Omaha - I never had a chance to tell him my true feelings. 11:30 AM - Took some time to catch up on my past issues of �Blown Tires Quarterly� - I still love the personal adds, with their references to rubber remnants - picked out 2 centerfolds to hang in my closet, beside my photos of telephone pole cross pieces. 12:30 PM - Found myself turned upside down and cross-legged in the duck blind - could find no reason for this, other than a slip of paper with the name �Lamar� printed on it - clicked my heels twice and returned to an upright position. 1:30 PM - I began to feel hungry and realized that my �Tom Brokow� lunchbox was missing - searched for an hour and, eventually, found it taped to my forehead - it�s funny, now, but at the time, I was almost in tears. 2:30 PM - Finally shot my first duck - well, at least I though it was a duck - turned out to be a rare species of American Bison - the Indian that was riding the buffalo tried to scalp me - I poked him in the eyes and pulled his loin cloth over his head - the last time I saw him, he was drowning in the lake. 3:30 PM - Flipped open my portable DVD player to watch �Godzilla vs. Duckathon�, but started receiving a �live� video feed from a truck-stop bathroom in �Bohunkas, Texas� - went blind, for a solid hour. 4:30 PM - My mother came out to the duck blind and brought me one of her famous okra and terrapin desert pies - she told me that my Uncle Elmo had been killed, that morning, in a bizarre �Burger King� cup lid accident - I didn�t ask for details. 5:30 PM - As darkness fell, thousands of ducks descended on the lake in front of me - they were so tightly packed together that I heard a previously undocumented �squeaking� sound - used my cell phone to call the �Discovery Channel� - they hung up on me, again - packed up my gear and went home - had some generic �Rice Krispies� and fell asleep in a puddle of drool (strangely, it wasn�t my own). |
| Absurd Digest - Worse Than Asparagus Urine! |
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