| Advertisement: Announcer: And now we return to ... �The Mystery of the Sphincter Murders�. We join Holmes and Watson, as the good doctor is pushing the great detective, in a wheelchair, down a dark country lane. (sound of squeaking wheels and crunching gravel) Watson: I say, Holmes, do you find it odd, that Mrs. Hudson appears to be in every scene of this damned mystery? Could it be, that we are looking too far from home, for the solution to these crimes? Holmes: Great Scott, Watson! Once again, you�ve proven to be invaluable! She has been with us, at every turn. I bet she is here, even now! (the wheelchair stops) I see her, Watson! Lurking there in the woods! For god sakes, man, draw your pistol and fire. (sound of a gun shot and then a female scream) Watson: Holmes! Look out! She has a dildo on her head and she�s charging like some demented rhino! (sound of much squeaking and crunching of gravel) Holmes: Push, you damned fat bastard! I will not be reamed, by my landlady. (sound of an approaching runner) Watson: (nearly out of breath) Holmes! I can�t out run her! She�s too damned fast! (sounds of grunting and snorting) Holmes: Turn and fire, Watson! (the wheelchair stops) Blow that bitch to Burma! (sound of gun shot and an animalistic roar) Watson: Good God! I�ve blown her left breast off, but she still charges! She can�t be stopped! Holmes: Nonsense, Watson. (sound of a struggle) Give me the gun, you pitiful wretch! (the gun fires again) Holmes: Watson ... my penis ... it�s gone! Watson: Serves you right, you son of a bitch! I should have done this ... (rest of sentence drowned out by animal noises, as the rhino catches the two men) (the good doctor screams) Holmes: Watson! ... You�re impaled! ... Spin and try to break free! Watson: Aaahhh!!!! It was never like this, with Lestrade! Help me, Holmes! Be healed and rise from that chair! Holmes: Never fear, dear friend! I�ve still got the pistol! (sound of three gun shots and then a falling body) Watson? Watson!? Good fellow, can you hear me? Watson: (in a weak voice) My buns! My hot cross buns! Holmes: Aha! We�ve won, Watson! The horned bitch is dead! (groans) I�m going to bleed to death, but we�ve won! Watson: Oh, my rump! I must apply a soothing salve! Holmes: No time, Watson. It�s back to the hospital, for me. Soon we can put this episode behind us. |
| The Mystery of the Sphincter Murders |
| by Robert N. Kirkpatrick |
| Well ... you know! |
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| Stay tuned for something really incredibly funny! I mean it! Your gonna laugh your bohunkas off! Man 'o' man it hurts me just to think about it! Watch this spot! You will be rewarded! It's the kinda thing that makes life worth leaving! I mean it! Stay tuned! Boy howdy! Gee whiz!! |