| (Holmes steps from the alley) Holmes: That�s enough, Watson. This is, obviously, not our man. Pedestrian: I say, what�s this all about? Holmes: My name is Sherlock Holmes. This is my associate, Dr. Watson. We�re trying to catch an arch fiend, that seizes his victims, in a climactic ... Watson: Don�t say it, Holmes. Holmes: Uh, right. (pause) We�re after a killer, sir. Pedestrian: On these streets? At night? Holmes: Yes, on these very streets! On such a night as this! When the moon becomes full, London is seized in a climactic moment .... Watson: Holmes! Holmes: Sorry, Watson. Sir, the streets of London are no longer safe, at night. A homosexual killer is at large. Lurking in the dark. Stalking his prey. Dealing out an injustice, that seizes his victims in a .... ( sound of a gun shot) Watson: Sorry, Holmes. I couldn�t stand it any more! Holmes: (in a strained voice) My fault really, old boy. Could you see your way clear, to get me to a hospital? Pedestrian: Let me help you, doctor. Watson: Thank you, kind sir. End of Act Three Advertisement: Announcer: And now ... Act 4 of �The Mystery of the Sphincter Murders�, in which Holmes and Watson are seized up in a climactic moment of ... (sound of a gun shot) Lestrade: I don�t expect you�ll be doing much, from this hospital bed, Mr. Holmes. Holmes: Wrong, Inspector! Even though the body rests, the mind is hard at work. Watson: Yes , and we are going to put an end to this fiend, who ceases .... to be funny. Holmes: (to the audience) Bet you thought we were going to say it, again, didn�t you? All Three Men: Aark, aark, aark!!! Lestrade: Well, the yard has been able to come up with only one clue. The killer wears a pencil through his nose. Watson: Great! That shouldn�t be hard to spot! Lestrade: Sorry, Doctor. It won�t be easy. It�s a number three lead. Holmes: Damn! So f***ing close! (silence for a moment) Watson: Tell me something. Is it my imagination ... or is this not as funny as it once was? Holmes: Well, how many butt jokes can one guy come up with, anyway? Lestrade: So true. (clears his throat) What now, Mr. Holmes? Holmes: Back to the streets, Lestrade. The killer may even now be stalking his prey. Seeking his vengeance. Craving a satisfaction to his rampant desires. Manipulating himself into a position of thrust! (everyone laughs, maniacally) Holmes: Watson, get me my wheel chair. The game is afoot! End of Act 4 |
| The Mystery of the Sphincter Murders |
| by Robert N. Kirkpatrick |
| Absurd Digest |