Announcer: K-R-A-P Radio presents ___________ & ___________ as Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson in �The Mystery of the Sphincter Murders�, a case taken from The Medical Journals of Sherlock Holmes. This program is being brought to you by ... Advertisement: Announcer: And now ... �The Mystery of the Sphincter Murders�. Our story begins one night, as Holmes and Watson are returning from a brief holiday in Scotland. As the two men stroll towards their Baker Street address, we hear their conversation .... Watson: It�s good to be back in London, eh Holmes? Holmes: Indeed, Watson. Our stay in the country was a rest well deserved, but it�s always good to return to Baker Street. (rattle of a newspaper) Ah, there seems to be a new game afoot. We may have come back, none too soon, Watson. Watson: (a small laugh) What has failed to escape your keen insight, Holmes? Holmes: A series of murders, old friend. A string of deaths, that no one seems to have connected to the same cause. It may prove to be a case, worthy of our return. Watson: Perhaps the thrill of the hunt will keep you awhile from the needle. (the two men stop walking). Ah, here we are Holmes. I can hardly wait to OOOFFF!!!! Holmes: Watson!? What�s happened!? Watson: I�ve tripped over something. Good lord, Holmes! It�s a body! Holmes: Yes, I see him, Watson, and it looks to be a case of sexual foul play! What do you make of it? Watson: You�re right, Holmes! This man has been rectally raped! Holmes: Yes, it�s another in a series of queer murders, Watson! Help me get him up to our rooms. This incident on our doorstep will have to be ANALyzed. (door opens). Mrs. Hudson: My word, Mr. Holmes! This man has no clothes! What has happened? Holmes: Murder, Mrs. Hudson! A cruel and horrible death inflicted upon this man, by a |
| fiend, with no regard for human decency. A foul act of berserk passion, carried out during a frenzy of violence. A decadent play of rampaging lust, that seized this man, in a climactic moment of terror. Mrs. Hudson: Looks like he�s been butt f***ed, to me. Holmes: Yes, that too! Watson: Where do you want to lay him, Holmes? Holmes: What!! Oh ... on that table. Would you clear it, Mrs. Hudson? Mrs. Hudson: Right away, sir. (sounds of assorted crashes) Holmes: Thank you. Set him down, Watson. (loud thump) Watson: A heavy asshole. Holmes: Indeed. Fetch that lamp, doctor. We�ll need to put some light on the subject. You may go, Mrs. Hudson. Mrs. Hudson: Very good, sir. (sound of door shutting) Watson: What do you think caused these marks on the buttocks? Holmes: I�m not sure, Watson. It could be scratches, from an unknown person�s fingernails. I�m hoping that my magnifying glass will supply us, with some sort of clue. You may go, Mrs. Hudson. Mrs. Hudson: Very good, sir. (sound of door shutting) Watson: These marks lead all the way to the orifice. Holmes: So, I see. Great Scott! There is something stuck in the canal! Watson: What is it, Holmes? Holmes: A clue, Watson! A clue has been left inside this mans ass! You may go, Mrs. Hudson. |
| The Mystery of the Sphincter Murders |
| A Sherlock Holmes Radio Play by Robert N. Kirkpatrick |
| Absurd Digest |