| Mrs. Hudson: Very good, sir. (sound of door shutting) Watson: Can your retrieve it? Holmes: No. I�ll need something to pry open the hole. Watson: Here, use this. (sounds of assorted and sordid groaning) Holmes: Almost, Watson. Aha! I can see it, now! Watson: What is it? (Bronx cheer type sound) Holmes: (in disgust and anger) Sh*t! Watson: God! (choking) He must have been eating at Taco Bell, for a solid month! Holmes: (coughing) Open those windows, Mrs. Hudson, before we suffocate! Mrs. Hudson: Right away, sir. (sound of window opening) Holmes: (breathing in the air) Thank you! I thought the foul bowels had gotten us. You may go, Mrs. Hudson. Mrs. Hudson: Thank you, sir. (sound of door slamming) Watson: We�ve got to put a stop to this, Holmes. This fiend is unthinkable! Holmes: I know, Watson, and we�ve only got a few hours, before he strikes, again. Watson: How in blazes, do you know that? Holmes: (a small laugh) Because he strikes on the full of the moon! End of Act One Advertisement: Announcer: And now ... Act Two of �The Mystery of the Sphincter Murders� (sound of knocking on a door and then door opening) Mrs. Hudson: Mr. Holmes, a gentleman to see you. Holmes: Send him in ... ah, Inspector Lestrade! What brings you out, at this late hour? Lestrade: Murder, Mr. Holmes! Cruel and horrible death, inflicted upon a man, by a fiend with no regard for human ... Holmes: We know all of that, Lestrade. We�re the ones that found the body! (sound of match being struck and pipe being lit) I believe it�s an obvious invitation for me to take on the case. This maniac wants to challenge my wits! Watson: What about me, Holmes? Holmes: Yes, and my half wits, too. Lestrade: Oh, this body is in a bad way! Holmes: It�s not a pretty site, eh, Lestrade? This scum, we are after, finds pleasure in the pain of others. Lestrade: Not unlike that McDonald clown character, from last year. Holmes: Indeed, Inspector. What�s your ideas on these marks on the buttocks? Lestrade: Hmmm! Not sure. Could be stretch marks. Watson: Not likely, Inspector. Let me adjust the light for you. Holmes: Thank you, Watson. You may go, Mrs. Hudson. Mrs. Hudson: Very good, sir. (sound of door shutting) Lestrade: Have you gotten an leads, Mr. Holmes? Holmes: I have a couple of things, I want to check into. Nothing of any importance, though, at |
| The Mystery of the Sphincter Murders - Page Two |
| by Robert N. Kirkpatrick |
| Absurd Digest |