| January 1 - Ashford will, suddenly, become aware of his ability to hum. An employee, thinking that his boss is overloading, will (laughingly) ram a frozen asparagus spear into the man�s forehead. January 2 - Ashford will stand on a deserted street corner, for three hours, and pretend he is a pharmacist. January 3 - Ashford will, accidentally, convince himself that he is a turnip and demand to be placed on the cafeteria�s salad bar. January 4 - Ashford will show several employees his patented black flip and crash through a seventeenth story window. January 5 - Ashford�s most hidden secret will be revealed, when several employees catch him on the floor of a utility closet, fondling small clay images of Dan Rather. January 6 - Ashford will roller skate through a supermarket, screaming, �Suck not, the electrical outlet.� Several customers will burst into flame and Dunwoody will deny having friends in the produce department. January 7 - Ashford will eat a bad can of tuna, causing him to see a 3 dimensional image of Mariah Carey, vomiting up copies of yesterday�s Wall Street Journal. Fearing the end is near, Dunwoody will auction off his used dental floss collection and begin taking dance lessons. Everyone nearby will point, laugh, and speak in half sentences. Ashford will attempt to knock one of them down, with a flying kick, but will miss and become embedded in a wall. A chorus of America the Beautiful will follow. January 8 - Ashford will take his sweetheart, Jamima Treetoad, to the most expensive restaurant in town. While there, they will order a carp filled crepe and giggle in Swahili. The waiter, thinking they are being saut�ed in wine, will slap Dunwoody�s face, several times, with a thick slab of raw pork. From this day forward, Ashford will never understand another episode of the Golden Girls. January 9 - Ashford will be surprised, when his left arm, suddenly, turns into a foot long hotdog. But surprise will quickly turn into terror, when a madman leaps out of a passing bread truck and attempts impale Dunwoody with a broom. January 10 - Ashford will contemplate the possibility of Japanese janitors being blind flamingo dancers, in disguise. He will hesitate, though, when a small, black girl hands him a paper sack full of rancid calf�s liver. January 11 - Ashford will spend the day, locked in a cedar chest, for no damn apparent reason. His mother will holler and swell to ten times her normal size. Sandwiches will be flung. A saddened Gregory Peck will commit suicide. January 12 - Ashford will conduct a seminar on the after effects of ingesting large amounts of blood shot frog eyes. Though many members of the audience will acknowledge his expertise in the field, the majority will break into small discussion groups and whisper Dow Jones averages. Confused, Ashford will put a lamp shade on his head and fart, incessantly. A riot will soon follow. January 13 - A minor mishap, in the Dunwoody laboratory, will blow Ashford�s arms and legs off. During the massive blood loss delirium, that follows, Ashford will dream that he is inspecting Butterball turkeys, for evidence of sexual misconduct. A rabid Fuller Brush salesman will attack the complex, attempting to free Ashford. There will not be enough creamed corn to go around. January 14 - Ashford will develop a fear of Purina Puppy Chow and cause a fracas in a china shop, when he believes a half a cup of the substance is hiding in his left rear pocket. The female owner will become enraged and rip her mask off. Dunwoody will do the same. January 15 - Ashford will open the first in a chain of occult shops, where he will predict the future, by looking at the stretch marks on people�s butts. Hospitals will notice an increase in between meal eating. Dolly Parton will become the poster child for the NBA. Ashford will speak of this later, but only when wearing a gay and flowered hat. January 16 - Ashford will bring a small poodle to work and call it Fred. Later that day, he will loose track of the dog�s head, run a fifty yard dash, and spit watermelon seeds. January 17 - Ashford will pick a foggy night to venture forth, again, as the invincible Cabbage Man. As fate would have it, though, he is forced once more into hiding, when a small Methodist child impales herself on a 1962 El Dorado and screams, �My nose drips not the mucus of Icarus�. Two hundred people will, suddenly, jump out of the dark and beat the girl to death with a sack of Rasinets. Dunwoody will thank the gods of Ferndale, that he was not seen, and hide in a used pamper for fifteen days. January 18 - Ashford will sense danger, when he decides to sleep on the freeway. By using the words skunk and pus, in conjunction with each other, he overcomes his fear and winds up in the hospital. The role of Nurse Judy is played by Ed Asner. |
| The Personal Horoscope of Ashford Dunwoody |
| by Robert N. Kirkpatrick |
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