| January 19 - Ashford will locate a lost orifice, after years of rabid frustration. During the mass celebration, later that day, Dunwoody will assure all those present, that the orifice in question, is not the orifice that ate St. Louis. Suddenly, at that very moment, everyone will begin to leave and Ashford will dive, face first, onto the hardwood floor. It will be a day of no soup. January 20 - Ashford participates in a rousing game of pin the carp on the idiot and gets finned in the eye. A loud popping sound heralds the arrival of a terribly confused Santa. January 21 - Ashford will sleep for 24 hours, straight, and wake up to find his eyes caked shut with dried fecal mater and the remnants of asparagus spears. Thinking that he has some how been transformed into Mickey Rooney, Dunwoody will dip his head in a vat of congealed chicken fat and attempt to set it on fire. When the fat will not catch fire, Ashford will openly weep, signaling the beginning of a hilarious, psychotic episode, later to be recreated on an �All in the Family� reunion show. January 22 - Amateur night, at the Dunwoody Industrial Complex for the Performing Arts, will bring about an increased awareness of blackheads. Ashford�s portrayal of Moses, will be acclaimed, as a significant achievement in the world of plumbing supplies. A bidding frenzy, for beard remnants, will close the program. January 23 - Jamima Treetoad causes a commotion, at an all night bakery, when she mistakes a cream horn, as being a vital part of Ashford�s anatomy. Ashford, who is present and (for some reason) slightly out of phase with everyone else, will spook his fellow customers into a stampede for the door, when they think he is Alec Baldwin going berserk. When the real Alec Baldwin appears, a justifiable homicide occurs and a cure for malignant toe hair is discovered. January 24 - A misprint in USA Today will cause Ashford to dismiss his employees, 3 minutes early, for the next 15 years. The time lost at work, adds to the tension of Dunwoody�s relationship, between himself and the janitorial staff. Fearing an uprising, Ashford hires an off duty policeman to wallow in a bathtub full of Baby Ruth bars. This date, oddly, coincides with the re-appearance of the Ashford�s mother, in the form of an electric eel. January 25 - Completely forgetting an earlier incident, Dunwoody plants some green peas, too close to the sidewalk, on the eastern side of his property. National Guard troops are called in. Easter is delayed for 3 days. Bantam rushes �Gone with the Wind�, back into print. January 26 - The sudden reappearance of The Mystery Biscuit will bring an urgent telegram, from the folks at National Geographic. Dunwoody assumes the role of Pope Paul IX, blindfolds himself, and rushes madly from room to room, repeatedly stubbing his toes. A low humming sound is later identified as emanating from the head of Ricardo Montalban. January 27 - Ashford contemplates his death and decides on an epitaph, for his tombstone. It will not be discovered, though, until long after Dunwoody has been buried, that the word �perch� was misspelled. The family, fearing that he may rise from the grave again, cover the plot with a two feet thick slab of bacon. A lesbian librarian remains on guard. Her name rhymes with esophagus. January 28 - Dunwoody fails to properly calculate the distance from one rooftop to the next, during the pursuit of company spy. Jamima falls to her death. She will be remembered, as someone that he once knew. A late night celebration commemorates the final airing of her underpants. January 29 - Confusion reigns supreme, as giant grasshoppers attack the Dunwoody Industrial Complex. Ashford tries to convince his employees, that the plant is worth saving, and that they should sacrifice themselves, in order to keep their jobs. None of the employees buy into this crock of sh*t and they start to leave. Suddenly, the head of Fred reappears and scares the bugs into a hasty retreat. A vast store of pimentos is discovered missing. January 30 - When Ashford sets down to do his end of month paperwork, he realizes that he has forgotten to pay his mortgage for the last thirteen years. He goes home and finds that someone else has been living there, for the last ten years. Disoriented, beyond all comparison, Dunwoody mounts a bicycle and rides, in tight circles, for three hours. When he dismounts, a spell of dizziness sends him careening into oncoming traffic. At the last moment, the ghost of Flip Wilson appears and pushes Ashford headlong into the path of a truck. Ashford survives, by using his ability to become as flat as a pancake. January 31 - The coming of February puts Dunwoody into a state of hysteria. Friends and neighbors try to calm him down, but to no avail. He is convinced that he will become lighter than air, tomorrow, and be flipped into outer space. Nothing can be said or done to dissuade him of this fear and everyone makes their last good-byes, quietly asking for any monies that they are owed. Frowning, Ashford gives away his fortune and is never seen, again. Bob breathes a sigh of relief! ****************************************************************************** Amazing Facts The combined weight of Uranus and Prairie Grove, Illinois is greater than that of Lucianno Pavarotti. Victims of the Mount St. Helen�s disaster all recall hearing the sound of woodpecker, two weeks before the eruption. A recent census in Black City, Arizona, revealed that no one has lived there for 200 years. A recently discovered Dead Sea Scroll remnant has shed a new light on the mystery of the hopping camels of Juda. |
| The Personal Horoscope of Ashford Dunwoody |
| by Robert N. Kirkpatrick |
| Absurd Digest |