(1) A topless Vic Sheddler, stumbles into the room, engaged in a life and death struggle, with an, obvious, fake, 6 foot tall hamster. (2) A stranger, wearing a paper sack over his head, seats himself up front, and begins to make a low humming sound. As the ceremony proceeds, the pitch of the humming, rises, causing several men to approach the stranger, in an attempt to remove him from the premises. One man rips the sack from the strangers head and the guests are horrified to see the features of Kim Hanke. A melee ensues, involving members of a local fire department and The Pearcy Pregnant Ladies Auxiliary. Actor Gene Hackman will appear, briefly, in the role of a very confused exit ramp. (3) The ceremony is brought to a screeching halt, when six guests insist on doing a reenactment of the boiler explosion scene from James Cameron�s �Titanic�. Oddly, several of the participants are scalded and the smell of burnt weenies will fill the air. Mentholatem Deep Heating Rub is wrongly prescribed and a session of yelping follows. (4) Cut rate flash bulbs begin exploding in the photographer�s change pocket. The fierce gyrations, caused by the incident, will inspire a dance craze, that will last well into the following afternoon. Although remembered fondly, in the years to come, the episode will become confused with a recipe for crab omelets. (5) For the second time in the groom�s life, there is a sudden appearance, of what can only be described as ... the haunted spatula. It drifts in, from the kitchen area, bringing with it, a pale green mist, that reeks of cabbage. The spatula begins to zip about the room, smacking the bald spots of men and women alike. One guest in particular, a bearded fellow, with glasses and a tie that is much too small, leaps up and catches the spatula handle. He is lifted from the floor and hauled back into the kitchen. As screams pervade the building, no one comes to his rescue. This inaction is later regretted, when the man reappears, nude from the neck down, covered in boiled okra. The wedding couple make an emergency adjustment to their vows. (6) The ceremony is interrupted, by an unscheduled commercial, from the Nabisco company, promoting their latest creation ... the urine soaked trisket. (7) As the bride is being escorted up the aisle, on the arm of her father, the groom starts to undress. The phrase �organ music� takes on a whole new meaning. (8) It is discovered, just as the guests begin to arrive, that all of the pews are facing the rear of the church. This fact, combined with the disturbing news that they are nailed to the floor and only 4 inches apart, causes a vexed expression to cross the features of Kim Hanke, who has, somehow, re-gained entry into the church, disguised as the soiled hairpiece of William Shatner. Boxes of soured Velvetta are passed out to everyone present and small scraps of paper fill the bride�s nostrils and ears. Crepes are tossed aside and replaced with figurines of Dan Rather, in the throes of some sort of obscene ballet routine. Bob is no longer invited anywhere. (9) A mistake in the printing of the wedding invitations brings in a busload of dancing Carpathian gypsies. During an incredible bit of twirling, a miniature tornado is created and it sucks the ears off of the groom�s head. Horrified, the bride realizes that she is about to marry Mr. Potato Head. (10) The groom�s mother chooses to lay in a mud filled ditch, 2 miles away, rather than attend the ceremony. She does keep in constant contact, though, through the use of walkie talkies, one of which the preacher keeps on the orange colored belt, that he is wearing (for an unknown reason) over the outside of his black dress jacket. No one seems to have a problem with any of this, until the mother begins to yell the word �roger�, over and over, for a solid half hour, in a high pitched �pig squealing� voice. This is a sudden surge of interest in unlisted phone numbers. (11) A dead squirrel (named Cindy) is found in the punchbowl. This is considered a possible explanation for the strange tufts of hair found in the punch, but no one is sure. After the brief autopsy (of someone who couldn�t run very fast), the bride and groom decide to barricade themselves in a closet, refusing all offers of cremes and salves. The enraged guests leave, but not before wallowing in the cake and dampening the carpet. (12) In what is later considered an act of unholy defiance to the teachings and principles of the Catholic church, the smiling face of Regis Philbin flashes across the buttocks of the bride. Children and the chronically disoriented are trampled in a stampede for the door. Outside, the minister tries to calm the crowd, but he is pelted with over cooked lima beans. From a nearby patch of woods there comes a slight scratching sound. (13) Upon entering the church, the guests are asked to sign the register, using a pen dipped in a vat of blood, which contains the floating, bloated corpse of Grandma Pickford. The register appears to be made of human skin and moans each time a bloody name is added. Those in the know search the premises for Sam Raimi. (14) During an especially romantic moment, a misunderstanding about a song selection leads to a fist fight between the bride�s sister and a balding, elderly man, dressed in drag. When the participants crash through a stained glass window, there is a general outcry for higher educational standards and testing accountability. (oops! sorry about that! I�ve seen one too many political ads!) No one seems to notice that the ushers are squatting. No one, that is, except little Joey. (15) When the married couple attempt to leave the premises, to go on their honeymoon, they find that their car has been replaced by a pile of tomatoes. All of the guests deny any knowledge of what has happened to the couple�s vehicle and, within five minutes, leave the bride and groom standing alone in a pitch black parking lot. The cows move in. (16) After returning from their honeymoon, the couple begin the joyful task of opening all of their wedding presents. They are horrified to find out that every single package contains the same gift ... a copy of �Absurd Digest�. Bob is reprimanded. |
| 16 Bad Things That Could Happen at Your Wedding |
| by Robert N. Kirkpatrick |
| Absurd Digest |
| The Homepage for Twisted Asparagus Spears |
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