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| You Might Be A Redneck If... You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can't touch it until she's fourteen. Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs. Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction. If you can burp and say your name at the same time, you're shur'nuff a redneck. You think Possum is "The Other White Meat". You carried a fishing pole into Sea World. You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop. The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist. You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. Your huntin' dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed. You think safe sex is a padded headboard. You think subdivision is part of a math problem. You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. You may be a Redneck if ... You and your dog use the same tree. You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'. You think the OJ Trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis tapes. You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay. Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed. The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors You've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message that begins, "For a good time time call..." You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took. You think fast food is hitting a opossum at 65 mph. You can get dog hair from out of your belly button. ............................continued on next page |
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