I sometimes get glimpses of something beyond life as we know it. Glimpses of a higher stage of life or afterlife I suppose. Something which makes this life seem so unnecessary. Thinking about the accident only makes things more confusing. For in that one instant that Derek and I cannot remember, I know that something happened. I know it has something to do with this �afterlife� or whatever which I have had glimpses of. I feel that I was supposed to die both times I had accidents, but I know that some greater force stepped in and for some reason I was spared. For what reason, I do not know.
I often wondered if I was or am insane. But I think I am only confused. I am not afraid to die, and many, many times I wish I would. But I doubt I would ever take my own life. Not because I am a coward, but because I have brought myself to believe that it is wrong and that I don�t have the right to hurt the people who care about me by doing so.
I have so many questions that are unanswered, but I feel no desire to pursue the answers. All the things that I used to enjoy seem so petty now and there seems to be nothing that stimulates my interests enough to continue living. This lack of desire to live is not due to fear of the future. It is not caused by regrets of the past. It is just a simple lack of any motivation to continue a seemingly useless journey.
I sometimes feel that I am like a ghost ship. A vessel that just drifts aimlessly with no destination. Before a ship leaves a harbor, it has a destination. A purpose, mind you. A ghost ship has no such destiny. All it does is wander aimlessly over a never ending sea. I wish that this useless existence would be put to rest.
My imagination is beginning to die. I can no longer hold my concentration and don�t even care to anymore. I have very little control over my own mind these days and I find that more and more it falls into a very chaotic jumble of nonsense. I don�t even have the desire left to try and make anything out of life. I just feel that it is time to cease this meaningless existence. Why go on? Surely I should want to live for myself and not live just to keep from hurting others. I should do what is best for myself. Maybe I am incapable of determining what is best for me. Although I feel that it would be best for me if I just ceased to exist.
I do not feel sad. I do not feel afraid. I only feel that I should not exist. I have felt this way every day now for at least a month and I have felt this way more often than not ever since my junior year in high school. There are those times when life almost seems worth it, but I go ahead and contradict myself by feeling that they are only good for the moment and do not last. Nothing I have found leaves a lasting happiness.
~FIN
