I have experienced a very horrible feeling. I felt what it would be like to be dead, yet still a part of this world. Like a ghost. The feeling of loneliness was so overwhelming. I hated the feeling. I have been allowing anger and hate to enter me. I get so frustrated and almost begin to feel depressed again. I can�t stand my mother and her know-it-all attitude. I am especially being driven crazy by her martyr attitude. Every time I am in the same room with her she starts complaining about her aches and pains. I feel no pity for her, but anger because she allows it to continue. But she is no worse than me. I can�t get over this feeling of hopelessness. I have had it for many years now (at least 6). Over one fourth of my life.
My body seems to be more accurate as far as dexterity is concerned, but my mind is in serious trouble and turmoil. It seems to be a never ending jumble of chaotic, self-destructive and negative confusion. I am losing my desire for sex. It seems so unimportant now and I am almost revolted at times when thinking about it.
Something that seems to be taking up most of my thoughts lately is the way I feel about Allen. I would be lying if I said that I didn�t think about him sexually, but what I feel for him is so much more. His spirit is so kindred and gentle. He is the only person in this whole world that I can honestly say that I truly care about. My very essence wants to be so close to him as to be a part of him. Sometimes I feel as though he is the missing part of my spirit. He has so much inner strength and hope. These are the things that I lack the most. I want so much to be with him in body and spirit. He has a lot of burdens placed upon him and I want so much to be able to take them all away. I look inside his eyes sometimes and see so many things. I sometimes see a glimpse of recognition in his eyes. As if he can almost begin to feel my own feelings for him. I try so hard to hide them, for I know how strong his convictions are with God, even though he still has some conflicts within his soul. He tries so hard to attain unison with his creator.
Sometimes I seem to sense a confusion in him concerning his feelings for me, as if he�s not sure exactly how he feels about me. I must be careful not to ever delude myself into hoping that he could ever care for me the way I care for him.
~FIN
