Well here it is. Everything has now come to light. Wednesday after work, I had my talk with Greg about Deana, me and his feelings for her. I prayed to God to give me guidance in this matter and I can�t help but praise his name for the outcome of our discussion. I made sure to point out several facts to Greg. All with the intent to make him think and force him to grow. Also to clear the way and set boundaries of certainty in our friendship. First of all, I had to stress to Greg in a caring way that as friends we must encourage each other and be there for each other without the other insisting on it. Never trying to force the other into a decision because of the friendship. Next, I needed to stress to him that he needed to really look at his feelings for Deana and to come to terms with them lest he go on unendingly stunted by them. Thirdly I felt it very important that he know that ultimately the choices a person makes are his own to make, right or wrong, without the biased or unbiased deliberations of others. To his own self he must be true and honest and face his feelings and the consequences of his own decisions. Most importantly I had to impress upon him that I have and will continue to consider him a close friend, no matter what he may think of me while resolving this situation. That when and if he is ready, I will be there for him. Lastly, I made sure to say repeatedly that I had yet to make my decision of whether or not I would start a relationship with Deana. I realize however in retrospect that I didn�t stress this as I wished, for I believe that Greg sees a relationship between me and Deana already assured.
Anyway, after all that, I had trouble getting to sleep. But slept fairly well otherwise. It wasn�t until the next night (Thursday) that I felt the onslaught. My thoughts concerning the situation were very clear and well thought out, but towards the evening I was hit by some emotions that were unjustified with my thoughts. I honestly believe that I was somehow feeling some of Greg�s emotions, because they were feelings which I had no reason to feel but Greg did. These were feelings of pain, heartache, confusion, anger(?) and even suicidal overtones. These emotions were at first overwhelming, so I decided to take a walk and let a crawdad go that I had caught this day. My feet moving, my mind in prayer to God, I set out. Thoughts of moving away entered my mind as a way out, but these thoughts didn�t seem justified. It was as if the devil were feeding them to me. Running away is not the answer.
I was halfway to my destination when I spotted a cat in the shadows. I knelt down and gave the cat an offer of affection. The cat showed a little fear, but that quickly changed to acceptance and then genuine affection. After a brief moment of interaction I got up and left the cat, which stayed there as if it understood. He was a gray and white cat. About four houses down, under a street light, was a black cat. Pure black. I hesitantly offered the same affection, but the cat had a wild look of foreboding about it. I turned to look away then back and the animal was gone, no longer in the light.
My mind thought of the irony and symbolism portrayed by this short series of events. I thought that the first cat (basically white with tainting gray over it�s back, tail and forehead) could represent somewhat my character. Basically good with the burdens of tainted gray sins heaped on my back, in my face and always following behind. Not hard to find, but subverted in the shadows a bit. Seeming a little weather worn, but willing to give and accept love.
The black cat, I propose, could represent that bit of the devil. Always haunting me. Elusive, hiding in the shadows and afraid to be exposed in the light. Always watching from the depths of the shadows, but never confronting you in the light. I found myself wondering how a white cat would have reacted that night.
It all seemed to make sense in a way and helped me to realize the wisdom of God in my life and my present situation with Greg. It helped me to relieve the burdens of negative emotions washing over me and helped me to make the choice to be stronger in my decisions, my actions and my faith in God. It helped me, the following day, to make the decision to pursue a relationship with Deana on a strict, friends only level. I decided to first see if we could be good friends. And, if God is willing, someday have a deeper more meaningful relationship.
As it is, I feel it necessary to keep this decision from Greg, or anyone who could tell him. He needs the time to examine himself. I pray God that you be with us both and allow our friendship to become ever so stronger from this ordeal.
Fin.~ |
