It seems that something that has been taking up a lot of my thoughts lately is my blossoming relationship with Greg and Deana. This is so because of something that Greg said to me after our backpacking trip on the 26th and 27th. He told me that, to some extent, Deana would consider a closer relationship with me (or so he said). He immediately followed by being sure to point out to me that that had hurt him and, sensing the tone of desperation, I was not surprised to hear his next phrase. Which was somewhat to the effect of �If you and Deana were to get together, that would rip our friendships to pieces�.
Now, at the time that he said it, it didn�t bother me. I simply knew it was coming and explained to him that if our friendships were to be torn asunder, the responsibility of that would fall on his shoulders. I also tried to explain to him that what he feels for Deana is only a one way road and that he has to admit to himself that Deana has no desire for a relationship with him. Of course, I really didn�t have to tell him all that. His formidable intellect knows the facts. He is aware of the complications of his emotions. Unfortunately for Greg, his emotions are just as formidable as his intellect, if not more so.
I pretty much summed it all up by telling him that he should try to prepare himself for anything, that someday in the future Deana and I may have a relationship and that her and I have feelings too. We parted that day, still on good terms.
But now, in the last week or so that has passed, I find myself having all sorts of mixed emotions. First of all, I know exactly how Greg feels. I went through the same thing with David and Jill. I know the fear and desperation one feels when faced with this dilemma. I know how far I went. I remember following them and begging higher forces that they would not get together. I remember the physical sickness at Great America when I saw them first hold hands publicly. I found that I could not hate either of them, because I cared so much for them both, but yet, I could not find it within myself to be happy for them. I only felt sorry for myself. Yes, I know all too well how Greg feels, and I don�t envy his position at all because I know that the worst is yet to come. He will feel much more pain.
On the other hand, I find myself thinking a lot about my own feelings. I find that I get angry with Greg for saying what he did. I know he said those things to deter me from entering into a relationship with Deana. But of course, human nature is such that when you are told you can�t have something, you end up wanting it even more. Without knowing or intending it, Greg has increased my desire to have a relationship with Deana. So, now comes the time for a decision. Do I go on as always, trying to ease Greg out of this? Do I force him to face it by getting closer to Deana? Or do I ignore my own feelings in this matter and move to Alaska? I don�t know. Life is tough. As it is, either way, Greg will have to face it and grow. And most likely he will have to face it alone. I can only tell him so much of my experiences without sounding like a know it all. That could only hurt his progress more. Of course someday we will all look back at this and laugh.
Fin.~ |
