Well, here it is. Almost a week since I got my test results back. The news is that I am not HIV positive. I don�t have the disease. Before I found out, in the week previous to the results, I ran through a lot of emotions and looked at many possibilities.
I can�t say this has changed my life much, but I sort of wish it would have. It did however give me a nudge to buy a car. As long as the loan gets approved I can get the Sprint I have always wanted. I find myself asking �Then what?� How will it change things? Should I look for a better job? Should I move out of town like I plan to someday? Should I continue to go to school and try to put out a little extra effort there? Knowing I have a future sure brings up a lot of questions.
And what about my lack of ability to sense some future? What about the premonition of Death I have felt? I know the feeling represented some sort of ending, be it physical death or death of a part of my being. Could it have simply been God answering my prayer? The one where I asked him to remove these feelings from me if they were not of him but from the Devil? Who can say? All I know is that there is an absence. Could that be the death I felt? Hmmm��.
Another matter that plagues me is the one of starting a family. Will I ever find someone who will accept me as I am? Will I ever have the children that I want? And if so, will I be emotionally stable enough and financially independent enough to support them? How will my friends come into the picture? How will I change? So many questions. I want to do everything right.
I wish I could say I�m looking forward to finding out the answers, but a truer statement would be to say that I am sort of indifferent to the future. A similar attitude to how I have always been. Perhaps it is time to take a stand. To be strong and make some choices. To give direction to my life and to set some goals. I am at the eve of a turning point in my life. I just wish I knew how long it will take to evolve to that next step.
Fin.~ |
