Once again I sit here contemplating my existence. I have drawn some definite conclusions within the last few days. I guess these conclusions and the thoughts that accompany them were brought on by two things. The first being that I have taken the H.I.V. test and second, seeing the HBO movie, �Doing time on maple drive.�
As for the test results, I will not know until next Tuesday. The movie was about an ordinary family and their problems. One being the problem of their son, who is the great all American achiever that everyone admires and likes being gay. Setting my mind on the possibilities of the test results and the familiarities of the movie to my own life, I have come to accept and adopt the following beliefs.
First of all, I am a human being with certain rights and a conscious will. Deserving no less respect or consideration than any other individual regardless of race, sex, education or ethnic, sexual or cultural orientation. That I have the right to my own beliefs and choices as does any other person. I or no others should impose my own beliefs on any other individual. Only perhaps explain my views and beliefs to others to help them come closer to their own understandings. That should be the extent of our influence. Similar to God leaving us the Bible. We can read his will, but he respects our choice whether or not to believe and apply it to our lives. Which brings me to the second certainty.
Secondly, and to me most importantly, is that I am a Christian. I have heard and read much of God�s word and made the choice that I need him in my life. I see truth in his words and so I set myself on a path to follow him. This truth to me is so evident that I am completely certain that I can never choose to ignore it. I will follow him the rest of my life. I am sure that over time my understanding in him and his words will change or deepen, but he will always be a part of my life. I may go against his will from time to time, even knowingly. But I can never disregard his teachings. I will always, time and again, come back to him after falling. Being that much stronger and that much closer to him. His is and always will be the strongest influence on my life.
Last, and just as important, is that I am gay. It�s taken me many years and much pain to come to know what it means to be gay. I am convinced however that it is not a matter of choice. No more than we can choose our eye color, hair color or what type of weather we want for the day. Since my earliest memories I can remember the signs. The earliest was when I was about six I suppose. I remember Stacy and Scotty next door to us. They were brother and sister. I remember going under their house (trailer) and Stacy pulling up her dress and touching herself. I remember feeling curious, but hardly interested. In fact, a little repulsed. But later that day, when we were in the shed playing �touch in the dark� my inner desires and drives always made me want to touch Scotty. In all my life I can�t recall ever looking at a woman in that way, save once. That was when I saw the Lita Ford video, and I had prayed for God to give me that. And even then that was something that did not express my emotional desires, only a very basic need for self-pleasure. (* see entry#4)
Because of my ability to choose, I know that I could have a relationship with either sex, but the inner part of me has always wanted male companionship. But thanks to God�s help and my friendship with Allen, I know now what it�s all about. It�s about true, God given love for other people. Not sex, or self-centeredness, but what we are willing to give openly and unashamedly. Being a gay Christian has helped me to see that�s what it�s all about. That as long as there is love there is a relationship. And it doesn�t have to include sex to be strong, pure and meaningful. Because of God�s influence on my life I realize that I can be who I am and that I can be gay and still follow him. Being gay is not about sex. To me it�s about love. The love I have for Allen, the love I have for Deana, Greg, Derek, Shannon and all the others. And especially the love I have for myself and God.
I may have been born with a predisposition of desires towards men, but God has shown me how to apply the feelings of love to all people and not to just act on the desires of a heated moment. Through him I have gained the wishes of someday raising a family in honor of his love and I know that I could love my wife just as much or more than any man I might have desired. To me the expressions of love are and always have been important and sex is only one way to show it. I mean, I love my friends, but I would never have sex with any of them. The thought fills me with disgust. And I believe that�s so because it would not be for the reason of Godly love and the binding of two souls. I cannot say what makes us want to love one person in that way, but not someone else who we love in a different way, but someday I hope to have the answers, perhaps when I stand before God.
Fin.~ |
