Having our phones tapped since 1979
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When asked about the test scores, a member of the House of Representatives was quoted as saying "Yeehaw, about time them damn migrants and colored folk were good for something."
Fri. April 7: VERNAL UTAH: US District Judge John E. Conway has made the ruling that the members of the Wampanoag Nation, Tribe of Greyhead Wolf Band can not be considered a legitimate Native American Tribe. This came after a suit filed by one James Burbank, who filed a $375 million lawsuit against Uintah County for a citation issued to him for driving in an unregistered vehicle, claiming that his American Indian heritage made him exempt from Utah law.
Conway noted that the tribe was officially formed in an Arby's in 2003 and there is no evidence to support that the group is eligible for federal recognition.
When asked to elaborate on this evidence, Conway said, "Burbank and his colleagues lacked that quiet nobility that is so common amongst the American Indian. They also never referred to months as "moons" nor did they have that greasy stoicism that looks so good on post cards."
Wed. April. 5: MIAMI FLORIDA: Brian J. Doyle, the deputy press secretary for the Department of Homeland Defense has been formally charged with using a computer to seduce a child. Deputy Doyle struck up sexual-conversations with an undercover detective posing as a 14 year old girl, as well as sending pornographic movie clips and several pictures of himself through e-mail.
When questioned about the charges, Doyle responded "It is my responsibility as a citizen of this country, and as a member of the Department of Homeland Security to go undercover into chatrooms to search for terrorist activity. We need to make certain that under the tender, young skin of our young girls beats the red-blooded heart of an American!"
Thurs. Mar. 30: CANCUN MEXICO: President Bush and Mexican President Vicente Fox met to issue a plea to congress regarding the upcoming decisions of opening the United States to immigrant workers. Bush's new plan calls for a guest worker pass that allows immigrants to stay in this country for short periods of time, and to streamline the process of becoming a United States citizen.
Bush was quoted as saying "This initiative is necessary to ease the pressure on both of our borders. Besides, who else but the underpaid and underappreciated immigrants are going to rebuild New Orleans? Americans? HA!"