Recycling old news for cheap laughs......Because we care!
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BAGHDAD: Saddam Hussein testified for the first time since his trial began. He read from a written speech which called for all Iraqi citizens to end civil violence and begin a new war with American troops. Despite yelling from the judge, Saddam continued to talk and declared himself as still being the president of Iraq.
When asked about the incidents at court today, President Bush was quoted as saying "The man is a buffoon. He really believes that the people of Iraq want him back in power. I mean c'mon, if my country didn't want me to be president anymore.........I'm sure I'd know it!"
Tue. Mar. 14
HAWAII: Today on the island of Kauai, an earth dam burst, sweeping away two houses and killing one person. Seven people are still reported missing and a flood warning has been issued across the state. Local officials feel that they will have things under control quite soon, however FEMA has already laid out an emergency response plan. When asked about this emergency plan, a spokesperson for FEMA said "In response to the catastrophe in Kauai, our plan calls for us to arrive in Hawaii in a month or so, where we will investigagte the scene, declare the state unsuitable for habitation, then evacuate the entire population.""
Fri. Feb. 24
CINCINNATI: A Maryland-based communications company is currently suing a television station co-founded by former presidential nominee Al Gore for copyright infringement on the name "Current TV." The Current Communications group claims it has had the trademark for several variations of the word "current" before Current TV was introduced in April of 2005. When questioned, Al Gore responded "I invented it, just like the internet, hair plugs, and public dispays of affection. Get with the program people."
Fri. Feb. 3
WASHINGTON: In a press conference earlier this morning, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld likened Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela to Adolf Hitler. These comments reflect the growing tensions between the United States Government and Latin American Oil..................oh, and it's people. When asked about comparisions Rumsfled was quoted as saying, "The similarities are monumental. I mean, Chavez was elected legally, just like Adolf Hitler, they both had ties to revolutionist groups, and Hitler was responsible for the genocide of millions of Jewish people, because he felt they were less than human. Similarily, Chavez is investing millions into the Venezuelan economy and being stingy with his oil reserves, so you can see how I could easily deduce how they're cut from the same cloth.
Thurs. Jan. 19
WASHINGTON: The CIA have confirmed that the voice on a tape claiming preparation for an Al Qaida attack on the United States to be none other than Osama Bin Laden. This marks the first communication from the terrorist orginization since post-election 2004. A spokesperson from the White House state that this public announcement marking the return of the nefarious Al Qaida and the latest CNN Presidential Disapproval Rating shooting to an all-time high of fifty-three percent are both "Completely and totally, almost 100% coincidental."
Thurs. Jan. 19
CALIFORNIA: The Department of Agriculture has cleared Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch of any accusations of mistreatment of animals, saying that the animals were all in good health and in fit living conditions. These recent inspections were the result of a series of complaints filed by PETA who claimed the facility was kept in substandard conditions. Unhappy with the decision, PETA is now filing complaints with the US Fish and Wildlife Service making further claims against Jackson for unfit conditions in the housing of two endangered species that are kept on the ranch. A PETA rep has been quoted as saying "It's like a dilapidated roadside zoo. The animals have no enrichment of any kind. They are deprived of everything that's natural to them. Jackson must close this place and relocate the animals to an accredited zoo or sanctuary." When asked about returning these animals to the wild, the rep responded, "That's too natural. If they're hiding in the trees, it makes it hard to be gung-ho about their living conditions." Representatives for Jackson have been reported as saying, "It's kind of sad that PETA has to be a whiny sell-out and hop on the Jackson slander wagon like everyone else. We needn't pick on Michael and drag his name in the mud, he can do that just fine on his own."
Wed. Jan. 18
HOLLYWOOD: William Shatner, the actor known for his role as Captain James T. Kirk in Star Trek and for his recent role in "Boston Legal" has just sold a kidney stone he passed last fall to goldenpalace.com. The going price? $25,000. All proceeds from the sale go to Habitats for Humanity, an orginization that builds homes for needy individuals. When asked about their new acquisition, representatives from goldenpalace.com were reported as saying "We were originally going to ask for his toupee, but decided that it would be too gross."
Tue. Jan. 17
SALT LAKE CITY: Utah legislators are currently trying to pass a bill that will prohibit smoking in bars, clubs, and other social venues. While smoking on a whole has been banned, well...........everywhere else in the state, the lawmen in this state feel that cigarette consumption in bars dampens the drunken, jovial atmosphere. Booze will, of course, continue to be sold in vast quantities. So, it would appear that in Salt Lake CIty, it's okay to drink too much and drive intoxicated, thus putting innocent lives at risk., all the while subsequently increasing the potential numbers of spousal abuse, drunken adultery with strangers, and sorry-ass singing and dancing, as long as no second-hand smoke is involved.
Tue. Jan. 17
MEXICO CITY: A serial killer is terrorizing the elderly women of Mexico City. It is reported that the killer, known to the public as the "Mataviejitas" or "Little Old Lady Killer," has already killed 7 women in the last few months, and may have potentially killed 22 others since early 2003. Eyewitnesses describe the killer as either being a cross-dressing man, or a strong looking woman. President Bush has called Mexican officials to offer moral support, and offered the following advice: "Just keep your eyes out for the brown person. It's always the brown person."
Many have put the Mexican Police department under fire for their lack of progress on this case. Corruption in the department and ineptitude have all been listed as probable reasons why old women are still dying. Police Officals here in Utah have been reported as saying: "The Mexican police department just doesn't have the skill or the experience to handle such a crisis. I think they need to take a page from Utah's fine police work, and the efficent manner in which we handled the Elizabeth Smart case."
Tue. Jan 17
HANOI, VIETNAM: The Outbreak of Bird Flu may have been contained in Vietnam, has no new cases have been reported, and no more outbreaks have appeared in poultry stocks. The outbreak of Bird Flu in Turkey has not seen the virus mutate to cause human-to-human transmission of the illness. Those who are currently sick all spent a great deal of time in close proximity to infected birds. Scientists have been investigating the Bird Flu since it's initial appearance in 1997 and have been monitoring it closely with this new flare-up. Although 77 people have died with this new wave of illness, recent studies indicate that the Bird Flu may not be as deadly as once thought. Early reports indicate that most infected individuals have only become mildly ill and have recovered, although several more tests are being conducted to verify these findings.
In light of these recent reports, Americans have made preparations to overreact as usual.