In this immoral little world of ours, don't you sometimes feel it is your social duty to help inspire a bit of change for the better where it is needed? Over my brief time on this planet, I have attempted to start several campaigns to bring a bit more happiness to people's lives. Most, however have failed. For example, B.U.L.O.P. (Brighten Up the Lives Of Postmen) - which involved writing cheery greetings to postmen on envelopes - ground to a halt when all the people I wrote to got email. B.U.L.O.C (Brighten Up the Lives Of Cars) had to be abandoned when my friend refused to walk to school with me until I stopped talking to motor vehicles on the way.
Hopefully, my subsequent attempts at changing the world will be more successful. So read on and perhaps subscribe to the worthy causes I will purvey below.
I like driving. I do. I like driving. But what I do not like is being stuck behind some cretin who insists on keeping a distance not of two seconds between them and the next car, but about two hours. Or being stuck there when that granny's three-point turn turns into a fourty-four thousand point turn. It's just not funny.
Ok, so it's true. I am a 'new driver'. Apparently I'm 'on probation' for two years - if in that time I get more than six points on my licence, I will have to start the whole process again. Pants.
Not that I plan to, understand. Oh no indeed. I, you see, am far too clever to go "I know, I'll go out for a drink or five at the pub and then drive home" or "I know, 50mph in a residential area, cracking idea". Oh no indeed. The thing is, I'm Not That Stupid.
But as I have become increasingly aware, some people are. The people I have seen bowling along talking on their mobile phones! Or chucking a u-turn in the middle of the A34! I'm sorry people, but you're too stupid even to be alive, never mind too stupid to drive. And, more to the point, on a serious note, one of these days we may find that actually, you are too stupid to be alive. Or you were.
"HONK IF YOU'RE RUBBISH!"
The road is empty! Why in the name of all that is holy are you only doing 20mph?!
Incarcerate Little Mo
Ban The Cold
Ban Beards