Work just sucks don't it. Just when you think that you have seen the full range of idiocy that man could possible exhibit lo and behold you're proved wrong. Honestly I really do wonder sometimes how some people remember to breathe and I NEVER thought I would end up that judgemental but hey I speak as I find.
Anyway thats not why I'm drivelling on tonight, no there was something on my mind that I wanted to try and get out of my head so I could see what it was all about, as you've probably worked out for yourself by now sometimes it all gets a bit crowded up here in my head and its good to do this.
And so to the whole reason for this waffle: I think i've got one of those chicken and egg problems: Is the whole TV thing a reaction to the lack of genuine femininity in my life you know, is it so much a part of me because i'm making up for the lack of a genuine girl in my life ? Am I fulfilling my need for a female partner by becoming my own partner? And if I am, then am I making the possibility of that relationship ever more distant by this progression along the TV line ? Reading that lot then makes me ask another question: If that's true then is it possible/probable that in actual fact I am constructing the whole elaborate TV thing as an escape route from having to engage in that sort of emotional intimacy ? Am I to scared/burned from past experiences to be able to go there again, Have I got some sort of psycologicaly based issue going on ?
Who the fuck knows ? I certainly don't, I suspect that it's like most of the stuff I pontificate about in that there's a layer of truth in there somewhere underneath the grandstanding and that it's no more/less important than any of that other stuff.
If there really is anyone out there still reading this stuff (and I'm not convinced there is 'cos I don't have that much faith in people, I'm convinced that the vast majority of the 2000 odd hits on this site so far is just people looking for wank pics) then I want to say a special hello ! I feel like I should know you by now, whoever you are, take care of yourself and the people you love, see you later Purplex
well you can sit there in your own little glass bubble but still the world moves on out there - sharp eyes will see the Stephen King phrase there (from the Dark Tower stuff) It's become one of my favourite sayings lately - seems so apt really: more war, more global destruction,more poverty, more famine, more anti-christ president in the white house, overall more gradual disintegration I guess. And yet I return here to fret about wearing frilly knickers: stupid, stupid, stupid human !
but so what here we are and I feel like waffling.
Wistful - thats what i feel alot of the time. I think about things i've done, places i've been etc. and i get to thinking how it would have been if i'd been Purple. Going out to Adam's clubs/gigs as Purple etc, etc, etc.............. oh well times past and the world moves on
Sad - That's how I think I feel on balance most of the time: see "seems so apt" above and also this whole Third Way thing: don't know who/what my other half is. It's starting to prey on my mind now.
Bored - Jesus Fucking Christ I'm So BORED
Right - I've come round to the conclusion that i'm right I think I do try and become that vision of perfect femininity that i'm missing in my life. That's the truth of the matter i'm sure but whether thats because i'm narcisstic or because it's lacking is not yet settled. But either way it seems as if I believe I can be that perfect woman even with a cock , and yet... and yet... if thats a true reflection of who i am rather than a distorted vision of life as it's led me here why do I shy away from doing it for real. i've "pulled" 3 times and could have had that "night of feminine passsion" each time but at the last i've bottled it every time for any number of "rational" reasons, and yet... and yet... it's still in my head.
Ooh....... eerrrrrr...... seems to have taken a bit of a bleak turn................
Had a really good weekend last week tho'. Guess you'd call it my first ever proper shopping trip. With a real girl down in Canterbury new top,skirt,undies,make up = lovely day ! Everywhere is shaved again and yes we did end up in bedRun out of steam now........Night Purple x
