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| I was dressing by the age of four and in essence even by that age I think I had pretty much rejected the masculine gameplan that was laid out for me. I didn't (and still don't) see current expectations of what being a man should be as something I wanted: the attitudes, the emotions and social role just seemed to be lacking somehow. As a child, unhindered by indoctrination I made a judgement that it wasn't enough and hey ho a feminine side of me developed to express those parts of me that didn't fit in a male persona (I have a five year old son and the honesty and clarity that he is capable of - perhaps guileless is the right word? - proves to me that a child can make heavy concept choices like that). I do know via a combination of deep thinking, 29 years and some soul searching counselling that family life, environmental influences and (gut instinct) genetics combined to lead me to that decision. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| I am Adam - that is my individuality but Adam is a composite, not a single entity. There's: work Adam, Daddy Adam, Son Adam, At Home Adam, Having a Relaxing Beer Adam and� Purple Adam etc., etc., etc. : d'ya see what I'm driving at ? None of these Adams exist on their own in a vacuum, they are all part of each other, trying to dissect, rationalize and explain any one part is a joke, how you gonna do that ? You can't possibly analyse, grade and reduce 33 years of life experience into a league table of importance. Fuck off ! | ||||||||||||||||||||
| And yet now I'm at a real crossroads. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| I'm ok within myself about being TV. I have no hang ups or guilts relating to it at all. I'm comfortable with it. It's part of me, it just is and that's fine: I like it, I enjoy it and it's a core part of who I am, you couldn't remove it from me and leave the same Adam behind, I would be fundamentally different, less of a person than I am now. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| But that's not how the rest of the world relates to it. I do still crave a woman in my life: physical, emotional and as a life partner: but I can't not be TV and no woman wants a man who is "female" half the time. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| So where does the reconciliation come from? Either side would seem to fundamentally exclude the other. Unless I find a girl who wants some sort of half "normal", half shemale/lesbian (????) relationship where's that reconciliation? | ||||||||||||||||||||
| And in any case you stupid fucking idiot, since when has life been about nice little boxes anyway? How you gonna try and put Purple in a box and let her out at your command? For fucks sake she's there all the time. If someone comes along and likes me, gets on with me and wants to spend some time with me then that someone,� therefore, likes purple, gets on with purple and wants to spend some time with purple : its just that they'll never have seen purple. But perhaps more importantly they won't know that she's there and that I think is probably the critical point. Considered within the framework of a developing relationship, when does not saying something become keeping a secret? Okay so I'm jumping the gun a bit at the moment but emotionally I've been pretty burned and I'm very wary of jumping into that particular river anyway so it's not exactly an unreasonable question is it? | ||||||||||||||||||||
| The world moves on thankee-sai! Take no notice of me I'm kinda given to grand gestures | ||||||||||||||||||||
| So many different ways of saying the same thing. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| I don't feel like I look out of a mans eyes, I don't feel like I look out of a womans eyes: but that's not a common viewpoint - is it?. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Its just too incongruous the images you know? I look down at myself right now as I type this and what do I see: crossed shaved legs, purple satin chemise, cleavage, black satin pyjama top. I know that under the chemise is a gorgeous lilac thong & bra set with silicon boobs. Yet I wanna be with a woman ??????Huh ?????? | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Onward ever Onward To The Next Bit... | ||||||||||||||||||||