"Once we went back to the house we were born in,
The glass was smashed and there were boards on the doors,
And it seemed so right that the past was all laid to waste and our trail covered up at last"
(Stranger, Eight, Justin Sullivan)
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| So Here's The Random Scattershot Thread ... | |||||||||||||||
| I was dressing by the age of four and in essence even by that age I think I had pretty much rejected the masculine gameplan that was laid out for me. I didn't (and still don't) see current expectations of what being a man should be as something I wanted: the attitudes, the emotions and social role just seemed to be lacking somehow. As a child, unhindered by indoctrination I made a judgement that it wasn't enough and hey ho a feminine side of me developed to express those parts of me that didn't fit in a male persona (I have a five year old son and the honesty and clarity that he is capable of - perhaps guileless is the right word? - proves to me that a child can make heavy concept choices like that). I do know via a combination of deep thinking, 29 years and some soul searching counselling that family life, environmental influences and (gut instinct) genetics combined to lead me to that decision. You know at the end of the day I am just me: I am Adam - that is my individuality but Adam is a composite, not a single entity. There's: work Adam, Daddy Adam, Son Adam, At Home Adam, Having a Relaxing Beer Adam and� Purple Adam etc., etc., etc. : d'ya see what I'm driving at ? None of these Adams exist on their own in a vacuum, they are all part of each other, trying to dissect, rationalize and explain any one part is a joke, how you gonna do that ? You can't possibly analyse, grade and reduce 33 years of life experience into a league table of importance. Fuck off ! | |||||||||||||||
| And yet now I'm at a real crossroads. I'm ok within myself about being TV . I have no hang ups or guilts relating to it at all. I'm comfortable with it. It's part of me, it just is and that's fine: I like it, I enjoy it and it's a core part of who I am ? you couldn't remove it from me and leave the same Adam behind, I would be fundamentally different, less of a person than I am now. But that's not how the rest of the world relates to it. I do still crave a woman in my life: physical, emotional and as a life partner: but I can't not be TV and no woman wants a man who is "female" half the time. So where does the reconciliation come from? Either side would seem to fundamentally exclude the other. Unless I find a girl who wants some sort of half "normal" half shemale/lesbian (????) relationship where's that reconciliation? And in any case you stupid fucking idiot, since when has life been about nice little boxes anyway? How you gonna try and put Purple in a box and let her out at your command? For fucks sake she's there all the time. If someone comes along and likes me, gets on with me and wants to spend some time with me then that someone,� therefore, likes purple, gets on with purple and wants to spend some time with purple, its just that they'll never have seen purple. But perhaps more importantly they won't know that she's there and that I think is probably the critical point. Considered within the framework of a developing relationship, when does not saying something become keeping a secret? Okay so I'm jumping the gun a bit at the moment but emotionally I've been pretty burned and I'm very wary of jumping into that particular river anyway so it's not exactly an unreasonable question is it? | |||||||||||||||
| Ho hum, ho hum, The world moves on thankee-sai! Take no notice of me I'm kinda given to grand gestures sometimes.....Fuck, Fuck, Fuck....Its just too incongruous the images you know? I look down at myself right now as I type this and what do I see: crossed shaved legs, purple satin chemise, cleavage, black satin pyjama top. I know that under the chemise is a gorgeous lilac thong & bra set with silicon boobs. Yet I wanna be with a woman ? Huh ?.....Fuck, Fuck, Fuck....I don't feel like I look out of a mans eyes, I don't feel like I look out of a womans eyes: but that's not a common viewpoint. So many different ways of saying the same thing.....Fuck, Fuck, Fuck... | |||||||||||||||
| You know, I pour out this stuff here and it probably comes across as tho' I'm a really depressed downer of a person. I dunno, yeah I have that aspect to my personality and maybe this place is where it finds greater expression but I think its probably more like these are things which I've carried around with me for so long and I needed to find a home for them outside of my head. And I reckon over time as I add more stuff things 'll get balanced out a bit. Here's a start: One of the things I really enjoy is a weird feeling of slight superiority in knowing that I'm different from many people. It's a buzz to think You and me are different� - its nice to be able to differentiate yourself from the masses ! Another cool thing is when in male mode, being girly underneath, from just shaved legs or painted toenails to full on sexy underwear. I get out a kick of that, not a sexual thing but a subversive thrill: knowing that I am not what people assume me to be. Another thing I enjoy is probably incomprehensible to most men (and in fairness most women!) but I love doing my girly washing! I can't explain it, I just enjoy the whole thing, sorting, washing. hanging up to dry, putting away: all soft and smelling nice! I really get an inner satisfaction when dressed, somehow things drop into place and I feel right.� I feel peace.� It's not cross or trans anything: it's me.� The other night was so nearly my first night out as Purple , unfortunately it didn't happen but as I stood here in this very room, dressed and ready to go it was YEAH! This is me.� I was just waiting for my nails to dry when I got a text cancelling. At that point I got the text I know I was going to make it out of the front door. I hope I can be that brave again! But anyway, I enjoyed the whole thing bath, shave, make up, getting dressed: everything | |||||||||||||||
| Hey, hey what do you say, nobody told you where to go, baby..........What if you will, what if you won't.......... Purple came out the closet for the first time ever in 33 years tonight. No I didn't actually make it out the front door but a friend came round, a Tgirl I got to know thru' the cyber magic of the internet. And who opened the front door to her? Purple not Adam. NO-ONE has ever seen this part of me before: EVER. ( A completely unrelated and probably annoying side thought for some other time -triggered by whatever crap is coming out of the telly right now - no-one has ever turned round to me since I split with Claire and tried to cheer me up me by saying "I'm sure there's someone else out there for you, why? Anyway what did I feel like? Well first off there was the massive gulp as I reached for the door thinking "This is it, I am finally coming out, there's no running away from this now, after all these years someone else is gonna meet me". That WAS intense, I didn't process this at the time, action took over and before I was aware of it i'd opened the door and was welcoming someone into my home as Purple: 4" knee high boots - jet black, chrome heels, black mini-skirt complete with buckles and chains (VERY Siouxsie & The Banshees), Expresso Satin wrap round blouse, make-up, wig, you know, the works! And before you start yeah I know it was a bit over the top but hey it was my coming out outfit alright?� Mind you I wasn't quite ready having poked me eye out with the mascara brush, and I was only just sorting my hair out! Still, before I knew it there we were sitting down with a cup of coffee chatting like the most normal thing in the world. It wasn't a pretence, it wasn't fantasy it was real. It was just right - it was normal.� Just me, being me, with a friend. That was a bit unexpected really. In some ways you could say it was an anti-climax in that nothing earth shatteringly profound or life changing happened, you know, it was really quite mundane. But that would be looking from a very narrow viewpoint because it was pretty mindblowing in a quiet way!!! It just felt so right, so "here's a hand out of that dark cave you've been alone in for 30 odd years", so "thank god for that, validation that this really was a concrete part of me that other people really did share". You're probably thinking that I'm overdoing the real/genuine/true references but I'm trying to convey the depths of my feelings and what it meant to me: finally I wasn't alone. I sit here now writing this still as I was except I've swopped my boots for comfy slippers and put my hair in a ponytail to see the keyboard and I feel utterly changed from 5 hours ago. An uncertainty I've carried with me all these years has gone, just slipped it's wings and fucked off into the nether world where things don't exist anymore. It's gone...poof...puff of smoke...goodbye. For better or worse one particular question has been answered. Purple is not just someone who exists here in my own little four walls and in my own little corner of cyberspace. No, she is I'm afraid "fit for human consumption". She relates as a person just as well as I do, not surprising really as she is me and I am her but anyhow, it wasn't Cross or Trans or anything it was just me FINALLY being able to be me Dunno when I'll sleep tonight. Dunno even when I'll start to feel tired. Right now I just feel so fucking alive it's unreal. Somehow I just feel like I came home tonight I wanna leave with a quote: "Once we went back to the house we were born in, The glass was smashed and there were boards on the doors, And it seemed so right that the past was all laid to waste and our trail covered up at last" (Stranger, Eight, Justin Sullivan) |
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| Next Chunk of Waffle.... | |||||||||||||||