I miss Steve. I had so much fun Monday night and TORPEDO TUESDAY! Oh god, we found the sickest thing in Vallue Village... loose meat's his name and raping my soul with his sick "huuuuuuuah" is what he enjoys. Steve and him have a passionate relationship. I want to kill him before his sliced meat tongue gets anywhere near me.

I feel so torn. The only word that fits right now... Steve and I broke up, and I'm so confused. I suppose I'd say it was my doing, yet mutal at the same time ...I guess, not really. I honestly don't really know, it was the weirdest break up ever. I don't feel like getting into it though. *skips on*

So on the bus home there were all these fuckers snoring loudly with their lights on. All I want is some peace and darkness while I float along to Nanaimo so I go around and turn all these people's lights off. I figured hey, they don't need them, I don't need them, I'm doing the world a favour. The only other person awake was the guy in front of me who was definatly high on something... I could feel him watching me as I was stumbling along the pathway and watched his face follow me as I went past to sit down. As soon as I settle in I sigh a big sigh of content for darkness and what does Mr. Jib do? He turns his light on and swivels it so it's directly in my face. I really don't understand why the hell he's doing this, he doesn't need it on, plus it's pointing IN MY FACE and not on him at all. So I reached over and pushed the button "off". But no, he won't settle for that and turns it back on. We go back and forth at least 7 or 8 times until finally I decide this is rediculous and ask "what the hell is your problem?!" upon which he replys "gurgle gurgle muuuuumble". Now this guy, he looks fucked up, and I mean... ((hey Pierce and/or Jesse remember that guy in the cambie standing by the door to inside that one night? His jaw was all off to one side and he wouldn't stop staring at me? Yeah, him, but skinny and pale)) I would gladly leave him alone and never look at him again if the light wasn't directly in my eyes. You know what. I'm rather sick of this story, I've been trying to type it out for over an hour now but with all these distractions I've grown tired of it. Hah so moving on. Oh, I won the fight by the way. RAAAAAWR JIB TECH WARRIOR!!

Oh my god, it's October, I've been sitting here for 2 hours talking to people. So many in depth conversations tonight, everyone is stressed... Speaking of which, hey Andy, Train in Vain by The Clash just played on my playlist and it made me think of you. It's a song for your moment in time, go download it if you don't have it already. Hah, I was singing it soooo loud today in Off The Cuff, then again, so was the guy working there so I doubt anyone heard my nasty voice. I need to stop talking about nothing. Where the hell did Chris go?


Dreamed of toasters...Date and time unknown.


September 29, 2003

It's so early I could die. I leave for Victoria on the 2:30 bus and then leave sometime tomorrow so I can be home for Pierce's birthday bananzza. I'm really pissed off, I seem to have lost my All Hallows EP (NOOO!!) and my A Static Lullaby and The Mars Volta mixed cd... It's kind of annoying, but you know what's really a piss off?? I NEVER lend out my cds, but Pierce took my Anti-Flag cd (without asking) cause he's asked a few times to borrow them and I've said okay (because I've been with him the entire time!) and then he left his fucking bag on the bus!! So he lost all his shit too... but but... MY ANTI-FLAG CD!! NOOOOOO! *sigh* At least it wasn't Ungerground Network. I'd smash his face in.

So it's been awhile, I think you kids deserve two drunken stories of the week rather than an update on my pathetic so called life. Now I must warn you, I was sober on both occations, so I'm not exagerating on the stupidity of these people. These are their stories:

Thursday night I met up with Jesse Bell and Piercey Poo at the Cambie as planned. None of us were really up for drinking so we just hung out for awhile making fun of jean suit guy and the slutty blonde. Plus the Cambie is trying to get rid of all the punk music so all the "punks" seem to be swarming in on Jam Night to protest by drinking or some shit. It doesn't make much sense to me, but then again, sober people in bars can never make much sense of anything. Around 12 we gathered everyone up, bought some off sales and headed to the jam space/limecellar making fun of the crack kids on the speed steps along the way. One guy looked like he would have killed Jesse if he wasn't high, hahaha. Alright story jump because you don't want to hear about ARROWED(!!) or shitty metal. Joe, Jesse and I are standing outside for a smoke break, we look up and see this guy with this big stream of piss (I don't care if it was beer, to me, it was urine) down the front of his shirt. He asks us how much it costs to get in so we try and charge him money and then he starts to get angry so we tell him to leave. A few minutes later we hear "FUCK YOU" and then Pierce yell "NO, FUCK YOU!" Jesse looks over at me and we know Pierce has found our friend. Well Pierce and this guy were arguing for quite some time until finally Rob came out and told us this drunk fucking prick was his cousin and we had to let him in. *weee story jumping through time!* So I'm sitting on the couch trying to watch this Gwar video when all I can hear is this drunk bastard fucking around with Pierce. "I can show you the world" (Aladin??) so Pierce is just playing along with this guy who finally gets up and tells us both we're "going to go have some fun" and drags us out back. I could have sworn he meant drugs, but he obviously didn't need to be anymore fucked than he was already. So we lead him out the back way (he got lost in a dark courner), him falling up the stairs and smashing his face on the cement along the way. We walk/run with him for a bit until we are behind the Save On Gas and he yells something incoherant in my face and pulls Jesse's hat down hiding my eyes. He then pulls Pierce's and his own hoods up, and then screams for us to put our hand down our pants. I gave him a weird look and said no in which he yelled DO IT BOY!! So I informed him of my lack of penis "Ugliest girl I ever saw" which pissed Piercey off and kind of put a pause to our trip while they started arguing again. We finally made it around the courner (all 3 of us with one hand down our pants- we wanted to play too!) and I realised this stupid fuck wanted to rob the gas station! Thank god it was closed so I played along with his game and ran up to the door screaming and then ran down the street laughing my ass off. He didn't seem to comprehend ANYTHING that was going on. Walking towards Mambos all I remember is this guy is so distraut and angry because we weren't taking him seriously "ALRIGHT! MY HAND IS DOWN MY PANTS! MY HAND IS ON MY BALLS! HEY!! HEY!! MY HAND IS DOWN MY PANTS!!". Somehow we end up in front of Mambos. "Okay, let's do this again, you know what to do" (slur that a bit) "No man, this is your plan, if you want to rob the pizza place, you do it alone". Pierce walked in to use the washroom and this guy (who still has a big stream of urine on his shirt and his hand down his pants) walks up the counter and says "HOW WOULD IT FEEL TO GET ALL YOUR MONEY TAKEN?!" all wiggered out and jumping around waving the one hand that wasn't down his pants. The guy behind the counter just looked at him but everyone in the place (which was packed) look pretty freaked. Pierce had to drag him out yelling and kicking while I apoligized to everyone. I ran back to the jam space to tell the kids what had just happened, but Pierce and this guy were gone for a long time. Finally Pierce storms in over to Rob with this guy trailing, swearing and sluring like a... a.. drunk. So after I left they actually started fighting (the kind where you hit each other, heh) and Pierce wanted him gone. Rob started freaking out at everyone trying to figure out what the hell just happened yet not letting either any of us talk. It was stupid. Grrr. That's pretty much it for that guy, unless you want to hear more ramble ramblings about how he was such a racist and how we (Jesse, some random guy on mushrooms, Pierce and I) argued with him over his beliefs and misconseptions for at least 2 hours before Rob made him leave. It was this vicious circle of "hey we're friends now!" to "I'm going to fucking kill you". Wait, I said I was done...

Friday night was awesome. 23 kids sometimes less, sometimes more, all gathered for a wedding at the Gyro. Unfortunatly the cops came and we had to heard everyone like sheep up to Needle (uhhh) Park by Laurina's old apartment. After the wedding (Pierce and Andy were so drunk and beautiful together) we tried to get down to the sea wall. But had a minor issue named Matt who is 15, about 5'2 and drank too way too much for his size. He managed to somehow walk himself to the bus station, only falling in front of a car once crossing the street by the china steps. I have video footage of our entire sea wall walk (actually I missed some good moments), Matt was carried most of the way by Pierce and Ryan. He kept trying to kick down doors and couldn't seem to keep his pants on. At one point he pulled down his pants and pissed his boxers, and immediatly afterwards Pierce picks him up, throws him over his sholder with Matt's bare ass right next to his face and his peeee on his chest. Mmmmmmm.... I would go into more detail, but it's just not funny unless you see the video, which trust me, you will.

Enough? I think so. I've rambled for too long now, and must go do laundry so I don't smell bad in Victoria. And screw growing a hawk, I can do that later, today I shave my head.


Dreamed of toasters...09/29/03, 9:01am.


September 23, 2003

So depressed. All of a sudden. Out of nowhere... I feel sick. I want to punch this french kid behind me. I want out. This school is suffocating me, I need air. Someone is using my locker, it says I love you on it. I'm confused as to who it is direct it at... I miss Brody. Why the hell did she leave me? I'm so selfish...

I needed something to cheer me up, it didn't work, but the first time I read it in Portugal it did. Here is a story written by the one and only (unless you count my boat) Jesse Bell.

In some other state, there were some basketball players hanging out in the forest after a big game. One player said "This forest reminds me of some scary stuff I heard." And the other said "What happened?"

"Well these two buddies, like you and I, were hanging out, just like now, and out of nowhere they heard something. Since they were big, like you and me, they didn�t get scared. Apparently, the noise was coming from behind an old door. Together the buddies slowly opened the door. BOOM! There was a grown up standing right there. Then it turned around and talked. But the buddies couldn�t understand, because it had the voice of a teeny little baby! "Holy Crap!" said one buddy "Frigg�n run!" And they did."

After hearing the story, one player said "Wow!" Needless to say, a ninja over-heard the entire thing and got pretty scared/mad. The ninja didn�t understand the feelings inside him and went berserk (this is common for people). In conclusion, the players were speechless when the ninja beat their butts.

Hope you enjoyed. I must go now and wander the halls of NDSS before taking a seat outside Sharky's for one last time.


Dreamed of toasters...09/23/03, 2:10pm.


September 23, 2003

Alright kids how did I end up in school when I don't attend classes? Funny how as soon as I walk in Mr. Freeman is there to greet me and just thinks I've been away sick this whole time *shrugs* many teachers have been commenting to me about this today. I'm still resgistered and everything, right now I'm using my student file on the computer, bleh, stupid school. I want no connection to you anymore. Anyyyyyhoo, I'm here because of that stupid Human Services (Peer Helping) camp I've gone to the past 2 years with my skewl (those of you who have known me for that long should remember me writing about it). The first year was SO MUCH FUN, the second was good, but lacking... So I figure it's just going to be downhill from here. *sigh* oh well. I promised Hilary and I've really been meaning to spend some ALONE time with that girl, so here's my chance.

Urk, my hair is so long, I really want to shave it again but I think it's time to grow. Winter is comming and my head will soon feel the frosty wind. I'm pretty sure I'm gunna get me a hawk, if not than it's being shaved again. No more just hair. I'm sick of it.

Check my next two weeks out, it's packed. I come home Thursday, Friday there is a HUGE party party at the sea wall/scout hut (ALL OF YOU MUST COME) it's for Pierce's birthday, him and Andy are even getting married. On Saturday I'm heading to Sprout Lake, get home sunday. Monday I leave for Victoria to spend time with STEVE(!!!), but I leave the next day so I can be home for Pierce's birthday on Wednsday. Okay, so it's not *packed* but I rarely ever do shit anymore and this week I've had to cancel many adventures. =(

I can't believe I have to sit around this school until 3:30. THERE IS NOTHING TO DO!! It sucks because being here really reminds me of Brody, especially being here and not being in class. We used to sit outside Sharky's everday, there was always so much to talk about. Stupid fucking kids who actually go to class. RAWR. So bored. At least I have Dylan to keep me company this block.


Dreamed of toasters...09/23/03, 12:45pm.


September 22, 2003

This guy is fucked.
I finally fixed up my links, I know you're excited.


Dreamed of toasters...09/22/03, 11:48am.


September 21, 2003

Bah, I had the worst night after Steve left. Too much thought. I've been examining my relationships with everyone (I know, it's stupid), overthinking my entire life. I feel so trapped, between friends, relationships, family... everything, school even. School! I don't even have school... Maybe that's why. I need to graduate, everything will be fine once that's over and done with. Hah, I've been thinking (too hard maybe?) of something Jon said to me last night "sometimes you have to be selfish" but even considering that I'm still lost. I don't even know what I want therefore the problems to fix aren't going to disapear. I miss the spring, I never realised how much until yesterday... some of the kids pulled me aside and took me up to the checkerboard (above the sea plane ticket place across from the lighthouse bistro) where we all drank one night. I remember James, so happy, content with life, even when he was being molested by the poo faced girl. I remember Amanda... she's never off my mind... But I remembered the group when she was around. It was so much different, more love (yes, love), it felt like we were all together. Unity. Together against the whole fucking world. What the fuck happened? In one summer so much has changed, it was weird comming home to so much anger. There's reason for it, we're all upset, but with each other? I don't know, it just seems like all the kids keep slipping... I don't want everyone to end up depressed, it's like it's some kind of trend. Sick. *shrug* Maybe I'm looking at things too closely, maybe you're not looking hard enough... Seriously though kids, look at the group, think back to the spring... Compare. Take skaterboy for instance, remember when it was just plain teasing? Remember when he played along and it was almost (ALMOST) fun? Then look at yesterday.... Me and Steve wandered down to the sea wall and arrived to skaterboy mid fit over something. I was quick to realise his shoes were in the trees (and when I say up, I mean, the tree ends a branch up from where the shoe is) and his new sunglasses were missing. He was about to walk home without his shit, and if me and Steve hadn't arrived he would have. The kids were just going to let him leave... Never once did you guys say "hey, maybe it's time to end this and get him his stuff, he's really upset..." no, you were still laughing. Yes. It is funny, it's funny to bug him because he bugs us... but when did the teasing turn to torture? After I left. I'm not saying I'm better than any of my friends. Oh no... it's just we all changed over the summer, and once again all of this happenes while I am away. My change was not influenced by my peers, it was all by myself... I was alone. I don't know. I'm just sick of seeing that kid cry. Were you guys never picked on? Don't you remember how horrible it was? Now think what it would be like day after day after day by the only people that moderatly accept you. Fuck it. I give up.

I'm so sick of feeling like I'm not doing enough. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not good enough. I'm sick of the people who bring me down..... And I hate myself for not just walking away. Is there a reason why I see a problem with my relationship with Steve, but to him it all seems perfect? Or does he think otherwise but just leads me along like... Fuck, I can't do this on here, I need to go find a Jesse to console in. I feel like shit. The only thing lifting my spirits is good ole Flogging Molly. I forgot how much I loved them... Jesse (Bell) reminded me about all my good music from the past with one simple meaningless comment about how I have so much of Steve's music on my computer. Hah, don't get me wrong, I love the new music I've been listening too.... but it's so depressing. I MISS MY PUNK!


Dreamed of toasters...09/21/03, 11:40am.


September 20, 2003

So the boys showed up at my house after all. I have no idea what time, I was passed out in bed with the tv blasting in my face... woke up around 4 to some horrible sitcom and realised I wasn't alone. I slept better after that... I hate sleeping in this house alone. I woke up early to Temperkill biting at my face, so after some play-play time outside I went downstairs and watched Saved By The Bell. By the time that was done the boys were up and we spent the morning on the computer making fun of Brandon (Jesse's brother) and watching Strongbad videos. "The duck says quak, quak. The cow says moo, moo. The Bradon says fucher, fucher" ooooh man, Jesse almost had me in tears I was lauging so hard. (yeah, you wish you understood that quote) Around ....late afternoon I walked them both to their buses and then hit the sea wall to find the kids. There were many hippys about, fire dancing, making beads, shaking their heads at all the nasty things the punk kids were saying... I spent my time lying in the grass with Jesse (dreads, Bell went home remember?) discussing how much people fucking suck, and how he's not allowed to move (found out today he is for sure, on halloween *tear*). Steve arrived around 4 or so, and up home we went about 6 for some din din. Pierce and Justin came by and said they were leaving for a movie but would pick up Jesse after work for us if we came. The catch? Justin drives a pickup truck so me and Steve were in the back all the way to Parksville to drop some kid off. The view of the stars and clouds was so nice, but I could have sworn my fingers were going to fall off. The four of us went and saw Cabin Fever, which was .... hah, lame? I figured it would be at least a little scary, nahhh, although we got some good laughs in. PAAAAAAAAANCAKES!! (if you've seen it, you know) After the movie we went and got Jesse Bell. I sat outside with Justin who I had never met before even though he lived with Pierce... blasted some NOFX and talked with him for a good half hour. He's a cool guy, I'm glad I finally met him. It was nearing midnight by the time we headed back to my house with the beer *gasp* for the boys, not me, and spent the evening in the hot tub room. It was a fun night, although I've stopped smoking "the pot" so I really shouldn't have last night. I got so fucked and just went up stairs all mopey and curled up with the pup. I was okay after I went back downstairs, in fact I felt really good, I just... yeah, shouldn't smoke pot. Lesson re-learned. Around 3 we finally called it a night, Justin went home and the rest of us passed out. Hah, my first night without Pierce and Jesse, awwww I miss his lil blue socks already. This morning I went to the vet and then met up with the boys at woodgrove. Steve was making us all wait in line for Primus tickets, the first 5 rows sold within a second. I'm not even kidding the girl at the counter pressed enter right as the clock struck 12:30 and they got row 6. Crazy fucking Primus fans. After bumming around the mall making fun of the millions of Mortal Kombat kids "he's gunna throw a fireball at me!!" we went and saw Underworld. I was pretty impressed, although it really isn't as good as it's put out to be... like most movies advertised these days. Oh man, why are you still reading this? Seriously... it's so long and pointless... don't you have a life? Get out of here. You know I'll just update again when I wake up... lol sad yes, but I have more on my mind I wanna spit out. Now fuck off it's bed time.


Dreamed of toasters...09/20/03, 11:59pm.


September 19, 2003

I spent today at home waiting for Mr. Bell. I fixed a bunch of shit on my walls (yay more posters and pics up) while Pierce smoked pot with Letasha and used my computer obsessivly. We went downtown around 7 to meet Jesse (BELL) at the cambie along with Rob and Joe. Headed over to the jam space, talked about our travels and watched Gwar videos, after jamming of course. "I HATE METAL!!" At around 9:30 we headed up to the Cambie again, this time for beer. I decided I wasn't up for another Thursday in the bar, actually, I'm lying, Laurina wanted to chit-chat and I have puppy to take care of. So my night was cut short and I headed for home around 11. I invited the boys to spend the night but I have this *feeling* they're going to get too drunk to walk here and pass out in the jam space.

Look! Children! LOVE! ...You all remember AJ (short cute midget girl!) at the Rutherford show, and if not, YOU DO NOW!! sooo cute...


Dreamed of toasters...09/19/03, 12:05am.


September 18, 2003

There was a bit of a mix up at school this morning. I left a goodbye note (cause I left ND) on Hilary's locker and everyone thought it was goodbye for good. I got a call from her and she was almost in tears, I feel so terrible. I never wanted to cause anyone any pain, at least none of my friends. So my mom got called at work, and there was a big kafuffle (as my mother puts it) in the counceling area... At least I'm loved right? Fuck, I feel so bad, I'm sorry Hill!!


Dreamed of toasters...09/18/03, 10:25am.


September 18, 2003

When I think of how things are
Right now it feels like
Yeah, it all feels like some kind of circus show
And how this town it keeps you pinned down
With the same old song from years ago

Y'know this place will chew you up and spit you out before you go
I know, I know
And when they drag you kicking and screaming from the scene you know
Then it's time to leave

When I think about this town
Right now it's filled with speed freaks and assholes and all kinds of creeps
And somehow every new face
In every single case
In a year or two will be erased

And to think of how I'm feeling right now
Somehow I still remember how I felt 4 years ago
And when I think of how things are right now
It's still the same old song from years ago
What do I know?
That it's still the same old song from years ago
--Scott Farcas Takes It On The Chin, by Less Than Jake

I remember one day when I was in Spain this summer I was sitting in an upstairs room full of computers. It was pouring rain and there was horrible music blasting outside. My only comfort to home was Andy, we talked the whole time I was there and he brightened up my entire week. Unfortunatly that was also the day he told me of Josh and Laurina's departure, and of a certain someone getting back into speed. This song popped into my head... I've always thought of it as a theme song for Nanaimo, but never had the lyrics been so true.

So the SPCA called me yesterday. They said if we didn't get our home inspection that day and pick up the pup they would give it to another family seeing as how there were 2 of them in line. ...And now I have a puppy!! I felt so bad when I was going to get him because me and Steve were supposed to go together, but it all works out in the end. He's pretty well behaved for 9 weeks, not fully house broken, but enough that it's not a problem. He's scared of the stairs so I have to carry him whenever I go anywhere... he's already like 30 pounds, if he doesn't get over this fear there's going to be major issues. I watched TMNT II last night, god I love that movie... I need the 3rd one and then I'll finally have the whole series. Anyhoo, I forgot how much I loved 80's rap about turtles... So this morning I downloaded Ninja Rap by Vanilla Ice and Turtle Power by MC Hammer... I'M IN LOVE!! Brings me back to the days of Kriss Kross, spandex, and my purple TMNTs fanny pack.

You guys gotta help me, I need a good name for the puppy... I keep calling him Puffy (or Brat or Spooky/Spooks), and that's NOT gunna be his name, I just don't know what to call him...

Added many new pics to the page, I need to go through and get rid of some of those old ones... it's too big and not loading the whole thing.


Dreamed of toasters...09/18/03, 9:17am.


September 16, 2003

Sometimes I really don't know who is in control of my brain. I've been making decisions lately that aren't like me at all... maybe those voices are real (dun dun dun). Pfffft. So I'm outta NDSS, I dropped out today. *pause for dramatic effect* but before you all start yelling at me, understand I'm not outta highschool, just ND. I'll be schooless for at least a week, quite possibly more. I've got all the forms for NIDES and I'll be starting coraspondance as soon as possible. *sigh* I really don't know what I'm doing, but hopefully it will work out for the best.

I found all my sisters cds when I was "puppy proofing" the upstairs yesterday - nothing too good, I took Radiohead - The Bends, Weezer - Pinkerton, and Less Than Jake - Borders&Boundaries (which I don't like at all... WHERE'S THE SKUNK?!), so I have some new music kicking around. I'm in need of it, after Portugal I'm SO sick off all my music... even my Muscle Bitches cd was played, I was desperate. Speaking of music, Steve lent me his My Chemical Romance cd - It'S SO GOOD!! I've been starting to listen to Thursday a lot (also very good) but I'm liking these guys even more (which everyone tells me is some sort of atrocity "THURSDAY IS THE BEST BAND BLAH BLAH"), they're like emo-y punk almost (not at all, don't listen to me)... *shrug* I can't even try to categorize music anymore. I'm going to see Taking Back Sunday, Moneen and Saves The Day pretty soon so I figured I'd download some STD (heehee) to check it out...... And I was right, they suck. THEY SUCK ANDY THEY SUCK!! Okay, they're not THAT bad, *shrug* they'll more than likely be good live. *andy can be heard in the background yelling AT LEAST I DON'T LIKE MOTION CITY SOUNDTRACK!* shhh quiet andy's voice that lives in my head. And you, you shut up and download "Head First For Halos" and "Honey This Mirror Isn't Big Enough For The Two of Us"


Dreamed of toasters...09/16/03, 11:22am.


September 15, 2003

I should be at school right now. Instead...

Take the What Sex Position Are You? test by Ley Ley

Dreamed of toasters...09/15/03, 11:25am.


September 14, 2003

Busy past 3 nights. Thursday after dinner I went to the Cambie to meet Steve and ended up staying until closing time because Jesse Bell, Scraig, Pierce, Dan, both Rob's and some other guys were all there for Jam Night. It was pretty fun, Jesse bought me a pitcher cause he was stealing Steve away for the hour ...me and Pierce stayed outside with the sleezey ass smokers. We stayed there until the bar closed and we all got sent to the streets. Jesse wanted to head to the Queens, but we lost track and ended up at the jam space (lime cellar) instead. My head wasn't liking it too much inside (LOUD MUSIC, no air, hot hot) so I sat on the steps for... an hour maybe until finally going and getting the boys from the Queens (they got lost on their way to buying smokes). We lost Steve on our way home after an incident with a cell phone, but other than that we all made it home safely ;)

On Friday we (Steve, Pierce and I) went up to Woodgrove (icky mall) to buy me an AFI ticket. Well, Vancouver sold out in 4 minutes and we missed the re-sale. Fuck, I'm so mad... but I'm not fretting over it because I'm going to try to buy one off random people on the street. After being in the mall for a good 2-3 hours we wandered over to pet cetera and met Temperkill, this rottie X puppy me and Steve are now going to get on Friday. Yes, my mom ACTUALLY said yes. Heh, we went out for her birthday dinner that night and I asked her after she'd drank a martini (she'd never had one and is all tipsy after half a glass of wine, it's cute) and she was much easier to negociate with. After dinner I ran over to the Cambie and met Pierce. We payed our cover, didn't get id'd, and finally got to see Alcoholic White Trash. Myka bought us a pitcher and we sat outside in the smoking area and made fun of Fat Brad Heddle for getting id'd twice at the door. Laurina, Krista, and Steve joined us a little later and kept my glass full of beer. I'd take a sip and look over and it would still be full, drink a lot, put it down, look over, and it was full again. Annoying fuckers "I don't want to get drunk tonight. Nooooooo beeeeer". AWT played a good set. Laurina and I sang for "WE'RE ALCOHOLIC, WHITE TRASH! SO FUCK YOU!" ahhh memories of gutter punk Steve and Mandar. Oh oh oh!! Steve's been in contact with Krista, he may come up and visit soon... I really hope so, he wasn't doing too good when I last saw him, and grrrr we missed him so much. Anyhoo, after the show we talked to the drummer for a while, he was pretty cool, a little weird though. He told us he'd play in a basement for us all we need is a flat of beer, a place to crash and 2 bills. "all we need" hah, tiz a lot. Skaterboi was outside the bar until we left for home. He then deicided to follow us back to my place rather than just taking the quick way home. I stole a NO EXIT sign, and Pierce got some safety vests which both got taken by the bike cops later on. Fucking Adventure Games, there's SO many people downtown and SO many fucking cops.

Yesterday we went back up to Woodgrove to do all the paper work for Temperkill, they're going to have to do a home visit to make sure we're a good family. Hah, they're going to look at my rat dogs and look at the puppy (who's already bigger) and wonder how the hell this is going to work out *shrug*. We left the mall pretty quickly, but then I forgot my bag on the bus so we ended up staying downtown (RESCUE MISSION on the #2) a litter longer than planned. Steve left at 3, and I dragged my ass downtown around 4:30. We did the usual around the sea wall until getting hungry and we had to move into town. There was a fairly large group of us last night. Me and Laurina split from the group after finding Mike, we eventually wandered over to the Scout Hut where we knew all the kids had a 60 of crown royal. We walked around the corner to the front of the civic arena and what do we see but all the children pissed out of their heads and an empty 60. We (the sobers, me, Laurina, Fumiko, Kyle, Colin, and Krista) sat apart from the kids for most of the night, but every once and awhile they'd wander over and grace us with their love. At one point I was sitting on the steps with Pierce and Ashlee making out on one side, Laurina beside me passing a joint around to 3 of the kids (they can't hold it, they're drunk, it'll get lost), ryan on our backs, and random girl by my other side. So that scene gets a little weird for me and I wander off, only to see this red pick up pull up and some heroine junkie with no front teeth run out at someone. I knew JUST KNEW he was heading for Pierce so I stormed my way over there and joined into the yelling match with this crazy fuck. He was freaking out at Pierce and me and then I got him to go and leave him alone and he went after Fumiko. So then Fumiko and I are battling with this guy and he's right in my face (icky no front teeth crack man), this went on for a surprisingly long time, he wasn't giving up. He was again about to leave but someone called him white trash and there he was again, he kept putting his hand on my sholder and screaming about how we didn't know who he was, and how he could have all these people here right now blah blah blah. Right before he left we were having one last one on one battle and he came up and almost hit me, Pierce freaks out, and after much much yelling by mainly Fumiko, Pierce and I he gets in the truck. Of course as he's driving away one of the drunk kids throws a bottle at the truck and he came back again for one last round.... We moved down to the parking lot, but they stayed up there in their truck for over 2 hours. Waiting to pick up druggies most likely... The rest of the night was pretty uneventful. Intermixing with the twinkies and boys with cars....


Dreamed of toasters...09/14/03, 2:37pm.


September 11, 2003

Well, I don't see any planes, I guess this means Bush's war on terrorism is working eh? Hah, I can't people there are people foolish enough to believe that it's going to happen again, on the same date even. I swear the people in my school have just gotten dumber over the summer. I honestly wouldn't mind if someone flew an airplane into my school, it's what they fear... Hah, in fact, here's your invitation COME ALL YE TERRORISTS! BOMB NDSS TODAY!! 5 dollar reward if sucessful, oh, and could you do it at lunch? I'd get a pretty good view of it from the smoke pit.

Last night was so much fun - I went to that benifit show in the parking lot of Rutherford. I was expecting a bad turnout and a bad crowd but it surprised me by being the exact opposite. All the north end children were there, most of the cedar ones, I was pretty much the only kid out of the downtown group who made it up. I finally saw Donnie's band (Chemical Peace) play, I missed Shifted though (not a big loss, but one of the reasons I came was to see Booth play). TLE played the best set I've seen them do, probably because it's their last Nanaimo show before moving to Van. But for once I actually enjoyed My Mosquito, maybe because of the involvement of the crowd, maybe because dancing is fun... Hell, I was in such a good mood I even liked their lame little techno bit they did to fill the gap while Dave fixed his guitar. I saw Jay, and it was sooo good to see him, he's happily involved again and was smiley smiley everytime I looked over. We didn't talk for too long though becasue Kyle interupted by spraying silly string IN MY MOUTH and I had to go kick some ass. Heh, I had some fun with that silly string, sprayed everyone with dreads... I'm mean, it doesn't really come out...

Steve's comming up tonight! :) Although I have no idea what the plan is, I'm going out for din din and a movie with Penny so I prolly won't be in town until 10. Not sure where I'll find the boy. Friday night I'm also going out for dinner (I like this, people take me out for good foooooood), it's my mom's birthday (also my sister's, and Booth's) so we're going to Acme. URK my head hurts!! ...There's people behind me talking about stories they're writing about elfs and gogumis... I don't know. The library scares me. I'm outta here.

Oh. I'll leave you with one perfect piece of news. AFI is in fact all ages, they just like to confuse me and all my friends... They being "them" and if you don't know who that is, trust me you don't want to. Anyhoo, it's at 2:30pm on the 18th of October at the Commedor Ballroom. Tickets are $19.99 and we're not spending the night, so you'll need about 50 bucks (ferry = $20) if you wanna come. So far the group going is me, Kyle, Andy, Jesse, Fumiko, Colin (maybe), and possibly Landon. Although she thinks I hate her and doesn't want to go because of me. So, I'm sorry Landon, I have NO IDEA where you got that idea, but I think you're a great girl and would love for you to join us :)


Dreamed of toasters...09/11/03, 12:35pm.


September 9th, 2003

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow
And I find I kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me
And I find I kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world



Dreamed of toasters...09/09/03, 10:47pm.


September 7th, 2003

I lay strewn across the floor pieced up in sorrow. The pieces are lost, these pieces don't fit. Pieced together incomplete and empty. -AFI

I left my computer twice today. Once was to watch some lame movie (House of 1000 Corpses) the other was to take a phone call. My life has been here. I've been going through Brody's hard drive, it's a never ending task that will probably keep my up all night -or until my computer finally goes ka-put (it's crashed a good 8 times already).

I knew what to be prepared for. I knew there were going to be so many pictures of us smiling together, I also knew there were going to be pictures from that night. I wasn't, however, prepared to actually see them. The one I had seen is missing, which is a little creepy I must admit, there's no reason for it to be hone.

I feel her right now.... Her presence has not been so strong since Portugal. Together on the sand.

Blood. So much blood, how can her cut really be that deep? It must be a braclet... black, thick... black. I've never before seen such pain on someones face, I suppose if I had looked in a mirror after I found her I may have seen it on mine.... but there is no picture to remind me. I've never seen such a deep cut. I don't know why I kept looking for so long.

She left a poem open on her desktop. Do I post it on here? I no longer know what is to personal to talk about.... is anything secret anymore anyways?


Dreamed of toasters...09/07/03, 9:00pm.


September 7th, 2003

So tired. The only good sleep I've had this week was in the motel, I'm worried about my insomnia creeping back up. *wacks invisible force with broken hockey stick* Vancovuer was pretty good, I needed out of this stinky town, if only for a night.

I almost missed the ferry because of my stupid indesiciveness, caught a cab there at the last minute only to have Steve bug me about it the rest of the trip ;). An hour after being at the Motel (with Steve drinking beer out of the back of the toilet) we caught the bus down to Granville. The bus driver told us the Croation Cultural Center was "just down the road" so we began our quest. Steve seemed to think he knew where he was going, having been there at least 6 time, unfortunatly he was drunk for all 6 so he really had no idea of how to get there. We stopped for 93 cent pizza and a quick game of Anal Sherushi (don't ask, I don't think I even understand) in the arcade filled with DDR shit, god I hate DDR (DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION!! - i know you know what i'm talking about). We walked to the end of Granville, me and Ryan were getting a little worried that we were in the wrong place but Steve was certain it was "just across the bridge and to the left". I asked a bus driver for directions and when I told him we wanted to walk there he just laughed and drove off. Time wasn't really on our side so even though Steve again could have sworn Commercial was just two blocks over we took a cab just to be safe. Half way through Steve says "oh, I just remembered, it's in EAST VAN not EAST GRANVILLE" duuur. We made it just as the first band was walking on stage.

The show was better and worse than I was expecting. I originally went for Strung Out but A Static Lullaby was the best band there, I absolutly loved them. Minus the lead "screamer" though, all he did was scream, nothing else, I doubt he even writes anything. He just had this ridiculous look on his face the whole time while the guitarist sung actual lyrics in a much nicer voice. *shrug* He's there to wink at the girls front row and twirl his mic around. Eighteen Visions were much better than I expected. Although again, the lead singer was a big dork, over all they put on a good show though. The only reason I think I enjoyed Strung Out at all was because I spent the majority of their set in the pit. Bye bye stress... *sigh* it felt good, brought back the sweet sweet memories of Warped Tour. The rest of the set I was front row center, I don't even like the band that much yet it was so easy for me to slither through people that I took advantage. The only issue was the guy I went in front of, even though he could see over me just fine, he enjoyed randomly putting his arm around my neck and jumping around with me. No matter was "tough jesse things" (as chris likes to say) I tried to do to him the only thing that made him quit was a good bite to the arm. Yeah I'm a big pussy.

After the show getting home was easy. Just follow the big mob of kids to the sky train. We were pretty tired after the show and ended up just going back to the room (after waiting an hour downtown for the bus) and watching cartoons. In the morning Ryan left early to look for a place to live, so me and Steve slept in. He took me out for a late breakfast, ran around looking for a computer to check Primus tour dates and then caught the 12:30 home. We spent the day lying in my room watching "scary" movies, although we only managed to watch one the entire way through -he had to leave at 9.

*YAWN* well, if the weather improves I may step outside for a bit today. Give Jesse a call (oh yeah, I met a new one! he's very special) and see if he wants to come be my friend... Don't know, I'm so fucking tired, I may just stay home...


Dreamed of toasters...09/07/03, 11:00am.


September 2nd, 2003

I walk through the parking lot, The Mars Volta blasting into my ears, I am almost run down by a fancy red car. Don't look up and you'll be okay. Don't look up and you'll be okay. I walk through the doors, the crowd is too thick. Don't look up, don't look up and you'll be fine. I can't get through, I look up. The word "sick" slips out of my mouth louder than it probably should have. The music stops and all eyes are on me. I hear someone muble "what's her problem?" in some snarky tone. They slowly turn away back to their business and I begin my quest through the masses to find my homeroom. "Sick". I have to bite my lip to stop myself from slipping. Everything I see reminds me of her... Don't look up. Why hasn't the music come back on? Mr Ryan... He walks towards me and I try to get through, I can't. DON'T LOOK UP. I do, he see's me and mouths my name. Why did he just mouth it? The music, thank god, it's on. I continue through... Don't touch me. DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME. I snapped. Did I just say that out loud? Must have, they're staring again. There's a hand on my sholder. Don't turn around you know who it is... it's too late. They've found me. Into the office. No. I'm not going. Here. Talk here. "Too many people". Well then it's not a conversation I want to have.


Dreamed of toasters...09/02/03, 8:20pm.


September 1st, 2003

So dead. I hate my friends. *sigh* I wish I mean't that. I'm just sick of the drunken sea wall nights where Jesse stays sober and everyone pairs off and I'm left sitting alone. Staring up at the sky wodnering what my "partner" (loooove) is doing right now that's so much better than staying with me. I miss her. I miss the days of me and her against the world. I miss staring up at the sky with her wondering about my dad, James, Beau, all the lost souls... Now it's me against them all. Wondering what will become of the rest of the children who can ocasionally be seen running by yelling some obsense thing about the ducks in the lagoon. I'm tired of wishing for more, especially when I have so much.

I'm sick of cleaning up after dirty punk kids. I'm sick of wandering home alone early because I don't have fun with drunken crowds anymore. I'm angry because I can never explain how I feel anymore. I'm angry that I haven't written anything decent in my journal (actual one) since Brody left. I'm tired of feeling pathetic all the time. I thought I was through hating my life. This shit has past... I'm fine now... I'm fine.


Dreamed of toasters...09/01/03, 11:54am.

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