YAY! Group Therapy tonight! It�s the second to last meeting, so I feel like I can�t miss anymore. Especially since after this one it will just be me and Megan, and I can just leave her there alone. That�d be too cruel.

I finished my package to Travis today. I�m going to send it when my mommy gets home so she can pay for it... There�s more I want to add to the video (like my twin tower cloud attack animation I made on Mario Paint) but I already sealed the LIME GREEN envelope shut, and I can�t find any tape.... GRRRR. Oh well, it�s packed full of goodies, 3 cds, a home movie, iron on transfers, 2 sheets of pictures, a drawing (a good one obviously not by me), a toy, some Muscle Bitches stickers, and a tee shirt. HE�D BETTER LIKE IT BECAUSE I WORKED HARD!! Not really... but that�s love right there... That envelope....

Friday night was so much fun. Brody, Andy and I did mushrooms and us, Ryan and Brad wandered around town ALL NIGHT on a quest for my back pack. I had a really good time, best part of the night was probably when me and Brody were sitting on the crab dock with our feet in the water. The water was completely calm except for the drifting sea weed (it scared the shit out of me) and the fish began jumping and eating and swimming... it was really cool, we were even whispering the whole time because it was just shut a nice atmosphere - the sky was a pretty blue with GREY clouds... ooooohhh. The weirdest part of the night was definitely when we went to Josh�s. We stopped there for probably only 5 minute but my god... BOYS ARE SCARY. We went through the back door (it�s a midget sized door) and there was blood all over the wall and floor and that creeped the shit out of me... And then Josh was just being EXTRA creepy... He knew we were on mushrooms so he kept trying to trip me out but what he was saying wasn�t getting to me just the creepy fucking look on his face (I actually had difficulty looking in his direction. Brody was talking to Jesse and I went into the kitchen and Josh followed me and tried to put me in the closet... All I really remember after that is Brody trying to pull me out the door and Josh pulling me inside and she got me out and we were running down the stairs and I saw Andy in Laurina�s and stopped and there was a big clutter of people and all I wanted was something hard to throw at Josh but BRADY HAD MY BAG!! (or was it Justin at this point..?)

Last night Fumiko, Dave and Korey spent the night. Me and Korey were walking my doogies around town and when we were by the giant canoe I was running around in the roses trying to find the perfect pink one (I already had the best yellow one) and Dave and Fumiko snuck up on us... But yeah, so I couldn�t find a nice pink one so I kicked the rose bush (there were like at least 30 buses) and this guy (who ended up being a coach where Fumiko boxes) started yelling at me and threatened to call the cops (FOR KICKING A FLOWER). The funniest part of the ordeal (and most immature probably) was Miko saying �Shut the hell up� and him relying with �You shut the hell up� so Fumiko tops the childishness by saying �Make me� ohhhhh I know, sounds stupid but it�s so funny to see some old man say �YOU SHUT THE HELL UP� in some whinny little voice.... *sigh* After that Dave drove us around to Dover and back, went to Timmy�s... you know... stuff...


Thought of toasters... 06/16/2003, 3:37pm.


June 13, 2003

godammit. I just missed the last fucking day of school so that I could be in Pierce�s convenience. That fucker. He said he would be at my house at 12:30 and that Brady would be here at 1 so basically I couldn�t go to school or I�d have to leave early to be here. I slept horribly and woke up at 8:00 and I was going to just get up and go but my conscience made me fucking stay home so that I�d be here when they came. Well, surprise surprise school is out now - it�s 1:30 and there�s no Pierce or Brady to be found. I�m so fucking sick of putting my priorities aside for other people and then them just taking me for granted and not even showing up. *stab* I hate boys. I�m so angry right now... And then Pierce is just going to say �I didn�t make you stay home� but I felt so obligated to for their convenience. FUCK. Grrr... RAWR!!

Well, it�s officially summer now, I have no exams and no reason to not start doing shit every day before I leave for Portugal (July 15th). I�m going to the Moneen show in Victoria tomorrow with Trevor, the early one cause we be under age... I�m hoping it�ll be good, I�ve only heard them on cd and wasn�t too impressed, but live shows always seem to bring out the best in people ;) Gah, and today it�s Adri�s birthday thing and if I don�t see Pierce I�m not going to know how to get there (I have no sense of direction in Harewood) and I really REALLY don�t want to ditch out of her party. Later tonight I�m doing mushrooms with Brody and Andy... I say later cause I made a commitment to hang out with them first, but Adri�s birthday only comes once a year... So when they all get drunk and I�m still the only sober one I�ll take off. IF I CAN GET THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Fuck fuck fuck.


Thought of toasters... 06/13/2003, 1:40pm.


June 10, 2003

It's dark in here, and I am slowly growing weary of my surroundings... I really don't like it here, I keep seeing shadows of nothing float by... I truely think I have problems (issues with my head - SOMETHING) because I've always believed to see shit like that. Especially at my old house, I swear it was haunted... Even Travis thought so - I can't be crazy.

I remember one time I was lying on my bed (in my old house) and I saw a woman (who I thought was my mom) in a white flowly night gown thing walk by my room... I felt a chill and ran to see her cause you know, you see your mom you feel okay (or maybe that's just me and my crazy thinking). Anyways I looked down the hall (my old house there was a hall behind the kitchen that had the bathroom, then my room, then the computer room and a giant chest/huge mirror at the end of the hall) and all I saw was the trail end of what looked like a person stepping through the mirror and some light. I wasn't sleeping... I know this for a fact because I ran to my mom's room (note previous comment about my mom) right after and woke her up.

There are so many other stories like that from my old house, I used to see this woman all the time. She had this white dress, long long black hair - she was pale and wan, very frial. Her eyes were the worst, I can't even begin to describe them... And I really don't care whether or not you believe me because I know she was there. I saw her way to many times to just shake it off as if it's nothing. Just listen to me, that's all I'm asking. (I need to get this out - I'm edgy)

At least I know if I am crazy it's been with me for life and it's not just a newly devolped thing. The first time anything ever happened (that I can remember at least) I was 6, and it was just before my dad got sick... I woke up in the middle of the night and my door was closed (I slept with the door open and the hall light on) and I walked towards the door and just as I was grabbing for the handle I fell backwards (for no reason) and I thought I was just a step back or so but in reality I was really in front of my closet (I was so scared of my closet even up until I moved). I went to grab the handle of what I thought was the door, I stepped forward and the door of the closet slammed shut behind me (now my closet door and door door were VERY different, in fact I just walked into the closet and I ALWAYS kept it closed) I screamed and emediatly fell again this time it actually felt as though I was pushed. It got really cold all of a sudden and I tried to push open the door... I pushed and pushed and BAM it was hot... so fucking hot I was coughing and crying I felt surrounded... completely and uterly surrounded... I was probably only in there for 2 minutes before I managed to push it open but it felt like eternaty. I remember telling that to April around the time she had her "encounter" in class (April was my best friend awhile back, she was and is very religious) and she firmly believed that I saw a demon or an angel. She put it in better words than that, and the way she talked to me about it just seemed.... right...

Like I said... you don't have to beleive a word of what I've just written, but to me it's real. And if that makes me insane, well then I believe whole heartedly that I am.


Thought of toasters... 06/10/2003, 9:12pm.


June 8th, 2003

It�s been awhile eh. I wrote up a big thing about the rave... but do you really want to hear about it? Didn�t think so. It was fun, loud music, dirty happy ravers, and of course all them E-tards. I discovered I like to dance, but that it�s only fair to scream �MUSCLE BITCHES!!� in the faces of the overly happy people. Moving on....

Thursday was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life. Well, not that bad, but definitely the worst day this month and so on... Ugh, I don�t even want to get into it... I finally went to class and all I got was shit from everyone. Students, Administrators, my teacher, Mr Maitland... and the bitch in the office who doesn�t even work there.... Oh yes, and my school counselor.. The last person who should bitch at me. SHE�S SUPPOSED TO HELP ME. Anyhoo, school ended with me in the counselor�s office and I had to run for the bus. .....blah blah story jump.... Pierce and I went to the staff room to find my teacher to get my bag, I�m already flipping out and ya... all the kids are staring at the crying bald girl who can�t keep her emotions in her head. Mr. Maitland comes out of and yells very loudly in my face, and slams the door because I walked not very far into the room to see if my teacher was even in there. Mrs. Barnum finally sees that I�m there and tells me I can wait even longer because I left class (because she wasn�t there for half an hour and I had to wait in the drama room with all my classmates who suddenly had felt foreign and malignant.... I couldn�t have stayed in there even if I had no reason to go.) So then the admins come... dun dun dun... and out of the school goes the only person who was comforting me at all, Pierce. (Apparently he�ll be arrested if he�s on school property again) and then Mrs. Baily decides she can fix everything because me crying outside of the staff room is a nuisance (yes she actually told me so). Grrrrr... so yeah, Thursday morning made me want to die. Friday it was the after noon, and Saturday the evening... hmmm... I wonder what today shall bring.

Friday my mom got the times wrong for when lunch and my class started so she got very mad at me and gave me 2 minutes to get everything in school sorted out (my socials correspondence and yearbook...). I saw Brody, Rob, and Brad together in the tower when I went to get my yearbook. and all I wanted to do was stay with them but my mom was making me be �AS FAST AS POSSIBLE� and the first words out of Brody�s mouth hit me so hard and it took so much for me to stop myself from crying. I guess I�m just weak eh? The later hours were okay, my mom took me out to the north end and I FINALLY got my Johnny The Homicidal Maniac book (yippee!) And she bought me some more wife beaters, a pair of grey dickies (to turn into shants) , and a popsicle mold thing. Shants make me happy.

Yesterday (that being Saturday) was pretty nice. Pierce had spent the night so we woke up at 9am to Travis calling. My mommy fed us perogies and then we headed out to the water front. I lied on the grass with Jesse all day and got a really bad burn on my neck and back, including a bow tan line from my damn bathing suit top. I went home at 2:30 and went grocery shopping with my mom ....so now there�s creamcicles and other frozen pleasures! Yum. Around bah, who knows, sometime afterwards I went back down to the sea wall and hung out with Brody, Josh, Jesse, Andy, Lotte, Val, Matt, and everyone�s favorite... skaterboy! I had a good time until Brody and Josh decided to go to Wendy�s I don�t really know how to explain what happened but Brody was joking around in her bitchy way and I just was not in the mood so I said something like �no because it�s always you over me� and what I meant by that is every time there�s some stupid play fight she starts it and she has the advantage over me, and it�s like that with everyone and at that moment I wasn�t in the mood to have to put up some stupid pretend fight that feels real over something that is mine (my bike). So she called me ignorant (which didn�t even work with the situation, but whatever, let her have her big words) and walked off with Andy. I rode behind the group for a bit but skaterboy kept grabbing on to my backpack to get me to pull him and I just couldn�t deal with anything or anybody anymore so I rode ahead and sat on the bench by Javawocky�s and waited. When they walked by Brody glared at me (she didn�t see me though) and everyone just walked... I was still pretty much on the verge of tears and I was trying so hard not to let any of them see me like that. Jon was the only one who stopped and talked to me, even though it was just for a second to ask if I was coming or not at least made me smile. I decided to wait until they came back... I sat on that bench for 2 hours. The last hour I was in pieces.... I had just been sitting there thinking of ....everything, mostly about my friends and how I miss Travis and all that mumbo jumbo.... I was mostly thinking about Brody and ....I mean she is a bitch to everyone, she doesn�t mean it, it�s just her personality and I love her for it. But sometimes I just can�t take it, and she can�t look in my eyes and see that � generally when someone is on the verge of tears, especially me (I think) it�s quite obvious - she just keeps going with me... and I watch her with everyone, she gives up the act every once and awhile and is all lovey and blah.... but no... not here... fuck sorry, I forgot this was for everyone�s eyes for a moment there. So anyways, I was sitting on that god forsaken bench and I started crying... so many fucking tourists were there. I tried not to let anyone notice, but everyone once in awhile you�d hear someone say �hey look, that boy on that bench in crying...� I wasn�t exactly in the mood to correct everyone that I�m a girl... in fact it doesn�t really matter. I finally had to convince myself they weren�t comming back and that they had gone up to Josh�s without me. I wish I could put my feelings into words instead of just saying what happened, because it looks stupid on my part, I was asking to be ditched by not saying anything right? I couldn�t open my mouth without having to choke back tears.... I hate crying in front of my friends (or those people) it makes me feel so weak.... so pathetic... everything that I try to prove I�m not everyday....

I think Im going to spend today inside... Travis recommended The Salton Sea to me, so I have to finish watching it today anyways.... and ... I can find stuff to keep me busy, I know I can...

�.....And it�s clouded, and so is my head. The hint of these new tears are sharp, I try to choke them back. But it�s useless, I�m useless against them... They�re beating me with ease� God I love you, Chris (dashboard confessional you twerp)


Thought of toasters... 06/08/2003, 7:08pm.


May 31, 2003

Rave tonight... Icky. *sigh* I'm going to have fun, and I know it... but I can still complain that ravers are smelly overly happy creatures who should be avoided at all costs. It's outdoor, 5 stages... I'm bringing my tent, almost everyone (except the downtown kids) are going, so it should prove to be an interesting night at the least. And hell, if I get bored I'll have my video camera and I can just go raver hunting.

Last night (Friday) was of course drinking night. Me and Josh were the only sober people in a group of around 15 or more. The night started at the bus stop as always, migrated to the sex tree and the hill, and then we all got together between the skatepark and the water and .... I don't know, it's that hidden area up the hill by the sandy beach. Yes. It was pretty fun, Josh and Brody complained a lot, but Josh is a butt fucker and Brody had reason. "I DON'T DRINK BUDWISER!!" Oh oh and there was this weird guy who walked by wearing a bandana over the bottom half of his face... he didn't do anything he just looked really fucking creepy... IT WAS WEIRD. Anyhoo, got some good pictures, Skaterboy breaking the law (ahhh weeeeeeed), Darkchild puking with Amanda looking... fucked... haha Over all I think it was the best friday night since the last weekend I saw James... I mean, the friday after was big, but we were all so fucking sad...

Well, at 9 I'm off, and I won't be back till 3... not sure if I'll update right after... I'll be sketchy plus Josh is gunna come over for a night of movies and hot tubs... oh yeah... hot tub... Have a great Saturday night kids!

<--- look over there! I made a tee-shirt that I'm way too proud of...


Thought of toasters... 05/31/2003, 7:08pm.

Archives ...................... Home