*Sigh* Back in Portugal. I feel so much better being here... It�s 32 degrees out, me and my mom are on SLIGHTLY better terms and I get to shave my head tonight.

So what�s all this shit I hear about everyone moving away? Before I left Josh came and told me he�s never see me again, I figured he was joking, but now I hear he�s actually leaving. And as far as I know Laurina moved to Montreal a few days ago. Hah. What the hell am I supposed to do after school now? Go home and do my homework? Fuck no, fuck these fucking people and their false promises of staying by my side. I�m beginning to doubt most people just when I was starting to trust these losers they all get into drugs or die or move or fuck. I hate Nanaimo. 1 year and one term, than you can run away too Jesse, in the mean time get the stupid kids off the speed. Fuckers.

I�m just happy I�m feeling better. It was getting to the point where I�d jsut sit in the car all day listening to my diskman trying so hard to hold back from crying... I can�t just listen to music if it�s on a headset, I get to thinking and just drift off... And it�s always about going home to a city without my best friend. The thought scares me. No, it terrifies me. Sure there�s so many people willing to stand by me, but it will never be the same no matter how hard they try. I suppose I have to put in an effort too eh. I was thinking about going home and just being a hermit. Getting all my school work done, only venturing out to the smoke pit at lunch but other than that no contact. Just work. If I did shit that way I could maybe grad on time and be able to do what I want. My plans for the future were all made with Amanda. We were going to live in Victoria together (have live web cams all over the house so people could watch us be lame) and go to business school. Then move back to Nanaimo and open a store called Rival Department Store under the china steps... I may still open that store, hah, I can�t think of any job I�d be able to stand other than working for myself, strugling to get by... *sigh* we�ll see.

grrr I really need to update this thing... The bio is so old, I didn�t shrink that cam pic... the splash page still has my old site name on it... and the pictures page is old and fucked and grrr... I want to go home and fix it. And a copy of Amanda�s hard drive is waiting for me... I�m gunna sit at my computer for 3 days straight or however long it takes me to go through everything... So many bloody pictures... Fuck I miss her... a few days after I�m home I�m gunna go see Conrad (her dad) and go through boxes... So much shit to do...

Hah. For once I actually came here with something to say, but I lost it in the process of reading an e-mail from Steve. So be happy with my rambling and maybe one day I�ll give you something worth reading.


Thought of toasters... 07/29/2003, 3:20pm (aprox. 7:20am).


July 28, 2003

Fuck, I`m so depressed... The past 3 days have been shit. Driving all day, and then no places to stay... driving some more... we walked for an hour on unlit streets in the pouring rain looking for a hotel at 11pm. I wanted to die. Haven`t slept since I was in Portugal, I think I`m running out of patience for this fucking country. Yesterday we were in the east hastings of Spain. so many whores and drug dealers... I was harassed by at least 10 guys, 4 of which I KNOW where pimps because I was watching them from the parking lot before we walked by... They kept grabbing at me... And fuck I made this german guy beside me all pissy and he won`t stop blowing smoke in my face and I just had my last cigarette and FUCK. I hate Spain.

In other news... there is none. I can`t wait to go home and see Steve, and go to Sprout Lake and have everyone around me speak in a lanuage I can understand. Oh yeah, and decent food. *sigh* My sister arrives in 8 days... 8 days...

I miss Brody so much... this stupid world. I�m so angry with everything. All I want is to see her again, as much as I rant about how I want to go home, I really don`t want to go if she`s not going to be there waiting for me. I hat her for leaving me... I love her for staying by me for as long as she did... I love her for everything we ever did together...

Fuck, I`m out of time. Fucking Spanish whores...

*quote*
Me: Okay mom, at this intersection turn left.
My mom: Right?
Me: No left, right here... turn left
Mom: Right okay.
Me: NO LEFT!!
Mom: WHY ARE YOU YELLING?! *turns right*
Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?? I SAID LEFT!!
Mom: YOU SAID RIGHT!! ...why is the town going further away instead of closer?
Me: because I told you to turn LEFT!
Mom: You said RIGHT. *drives the high way for an hour until we are able to turn around and go back. we arrive back at the same turn off*
Me: Okay mom, now turn left here
Mom: Right?
Me: MOM!!



Thought of toasters... 07/28/2003, 5:30pm (aprox. 8:30am).


July 25, 2003

I`m in terrorist country now! Spain spain spain... it`s rainy... and filled with drunken communists. The quote of the day (which hadn`t been changed for quite some time) took place at one of their rallys... There were about 4 today...

I miss Steve... and fuck this, I`m so tired... Last night was the birthday of Santiago (the city I`m in... apparently one of the apostles is burried under the big cathedral here) so there were THOUSANDS of people packed into the tiny narrow streets of the center where my hostel is. So of course everyone was drunk (because you`re allowed to drink in public here) and flayling around town. I couldn`t sleep, and when I finally did I was awoken by about 10 drunken locals singing outside my balcony... *sigh* it was sweet. I`m hungry... I want dinner.

Tomorrow we hit the road again, but I`m planning on comming online early in the morning before we leave (which will be around midnight for you fellas) because I`m hungry now and I have to leave before finishing my e-mails... So if you`re anything like me and have no life on a friday night come on msn and talk to me... I MISS YOU!! Not you... YOU... That`s better. Anyhoo... As much as I`d love to tell you another commie story I best be off...


Thought of toasters... 07/25/2003, 7:50pm (aprox. 10:50am).


July 22, 2003

Bah... Portugal. People here sure are fucking weird. I keep getting stopped on the street by random strangers who blabber on in their Portugese jibberish and then ask me if I understand (I can understand that phrase... haha). I just nod and keep walking... damn weirdos.

I�m so fucking lonely I could die... I mean, I miss ALL OF YOU. And Pierce, where are you you mother fucker? I got a distressing e-mail from him and now all that�s on my mind is talking to him... Stupid boy, he�s always making me worry. But yeah... I went to the beach today, we got our rental car so we can go anywhere we want. So the beach in Pova it was. A nice place, but too crowded for my liking... and bad food. I�d tell you something interesting about it, but well, I sat on the beach, read... went in the water... regretted going in the water... and then ... lied on the beach. hah. It�s relaxing I suppose... maybe that�s why I�m so anxious right now... too much energy. We�re leaving Thursday... I�ll probably keep in touch along the way though, my mom only keeps good company for so long. I found out today that when my sister comes we�re travelling the mediterainian coast and we�re going to a city in Spain that has MONKEYS everywhere!! I�m so excitied it�s kind of pathetic...

I walked past some circus tents the other day... There were 3 bears in this one cage. It took me a little longer than it should hav to realise what animal they were considering I�ve seem them in the wild before. They had no room so one was kind of jumping because it had no where to walk... They were so skinny and sick looking... I could only stand there for a minute with my mouth open before I felt so overcome with sickness my mom had to drag me away. *shudders* I wanted to go set them free but my mom convinced me that wouldn�t be wise. *sigh* I feel so bad for them.


Thought of toasters... 07/22/2003, 11:10pm (aprox. 3:10pm).


July 19, 2003

Fucking hell I want to go home. I feel so bad for even saying that just because so many people never get opportunites to be in another country and here I am half way around the world whinning about how it�s not fair that I�m here. If I could I�d gladly let one of you come here and take my place... I�ve seen it, let someone else have the adventure for a change. 17 days until my sister comes. 3 days until we get a car and can take off to Spain...

I woke up in a cold sweat last night to the worst of the nightmares. I�ve been having horrible ones ever since they put me to sleep in this hospital... This one was in a close tie with the one I had that morning. It was Saturday night all over again, after the service and we were all partying, drinking... In honor of my big tough manda... *sigh* anyways, it wasn�t the waterfront, there was more forest... Forest surrounding this lake... We were all having a good time but she was there... Brody was there being her mischevious self but I was the only one who could see her, and everyone was drunk and ignoring me... So I tried talking to her... I kept asking her why it happened, and jsut everything any of us would want to know... She didn�t really give me any answers, just said wait and I�ll give you a chance. So I waited with Steve and Jesse (Jesse and Josh were being good in my dream and not fighting with the children) and then people started disapearing, she was taking them. She was taking everyone with her... away from me. And then I was given a chance, it was Warped Tour again and I was given the chance to make everything go well that day. If I could change the outcome of that weekend I would be able to save her. (Fuck I�m shaking... I don�t want to even talk about this but I need to write it down... Jesse you�re a wimp, get over it...) Alright so there was Tim Armstrong and I somehow managed to convince him to get his picture taken with us (this was after... so much other shit), I actually convinced him I had gone back in time (fuck dreams are weird, and Tim is dumb). So I called Amanda and Jon over and Jon wouldn�t come... Amanda finally made it over and she was bleeding everywhere and said I was too late. She began yelling at me and fighting me, hitting me and telling me I wasn�t good enough to even save her. We were in this weird room and I jumped onto the rafters to hide. She got up and started screaming "I WANT TO DIE FUCKING KILL ME OR I�LL DO IT MYSELF" and she had a knife and started slicing herself... over and over... Jon ran in out of no where and was holding her down and putting a hot iron on her face... She was screaming and he was crying... and I was trying to make them stop but all of a sudden it was over. I woke up. I woke up there, under the rafters... alone... But I wasn�t she was there, I couldn�t see her but she was all around me... I kept trying to leave but she held me there and wouldn�t let me fucking leave... Until I screamed "YOU LEFT ME NOW LEAVE ME ALONE" and I woke up. Just like that. ...I shouldn�t post this, I feel sick to my stomach reading that over. I thought it was real, it was so vivid... especailly waking up there, no matter what part sounds the worst it was then... Waking up on that dirt floor, under a simple roof of just wooden rafters, with her....

I need a cigarette.


Thought of toasters... 07/19/2003, 8:27pm (aprox. 12:30pm).


July 17, 2003

Fuck, so much shit has happened since I last posted. I really wish my computer at home wasn�t so fucked so I could have kept all you losers posted on my life.

On July 6th Amanda Born (Brody), my best friend, commited suicide. I would like to talk about it on here... write down what happened, how I found her, the funeral, how I feel.... but I can�t bring myself to do that right now... Just know that I miss her so much... And for those of you who know me or at least read this, you know how much she means to me and how close we were... So you all have a pretty good idea the shit that�d been going through my head. God dammit I miss her.

I�m in a web cafe in Portugal right now... that�s how I�m finally able to make this geocities shit work. We left on the 15th and didn�t get here until last night, rawr, I hate travelling. I�d tell you about all the great things here... but I�m not in the mood... I�m just depressed. I miss Amanda. I miss home... I miss Steve and even my stupid mutts... 5 weeks in a place I�ve already lived *sigh* If I had gone any other year I would have been fine. But no, it had to be right after all this shit.... Fuck her for leaving me.

How can I be so angry and so depressed at the same time?
Don�t answer that.

But I basically came here to let you all know I�m alive and I still hate you.


Thought of toasters... 07/17/2003, 4:52pm (aprox. 9am).


June 27, 2003

Fucking geocities... one of these days I'm going to go on a secret mission to ther headquarters and KILL THEM ALL!!! ALL OF THOSE FUCKERS WHO FUCKING DESIGNED THIS CRAP THAT WON'T LET ME FUCKING UPDATE MY SITE!! ....Maybe now I know why I'm the only one not on one of those live journal crap things... *sigh* I will fixt this soon... Or I'll just go to Portugal on the 15th and worry about it when I come back.... UNLESS... if I find a computer there I can update while I'm travelling.... OHHHHH!

So this past while has been pretty entertaining. Soem bad shit has happened, but you know... it's bound to. And I can't say nothing good has happened I mean fuck, I GET TO GO WAKEBOARDING TOMORROW!! FUCK YEAH!! And who knows... if we leave soon and the water is calm tonight... mmmmmm night boarding... But yeah... so I can't really squish all the fucking shit that's happened in here so.....
Yesterday was a fucking day filled with coffee. Ryan, Jon, and Laura spent the night and so we didn't leave for downtown till around 2. (Jon was drunk out of his skull wednsday... he was so cute! He was giggling the entire night). Anyhoo, I met Brody at the Cambie for coffee, and after spending our usual time there we headed down to the sea wall. We found Peter (that guy, from that band... [UNTIL WE HAVE FACES]) and Francine and brought them back up to the Cambie with us for some more coffee. My mom picked me up shortly after and she took me to woodgrove. We bought a bunch of crap that's for Portugal (toiletries, new bras (ohhh), wife beaters, and a sleeping bag) along with a lift for my shoe [cause one of my legs is fucking shorter than the other], a buzzer (hair be gone again), and MY WARPED TOUR TICKET (FUCK YA!!)!! So, Walmart and Superstore scare the living piss out of me. I always get lost in them... especially Walmart... I was looking for a bathing suit top and some how I ended up in an isle full of milk... WHAT THE FUCK?! After a nice meal in the food court *gag* and a cup of coffee *sluuuuuurp* (yes, that one was necessary too) my mommy dropped me off downtown at the Cambie where I once again met Brody for some coffee. We hung out there till closing time, trying to avoid Jesse the crack head (NOT ME THE CRACK HEAD... aka dollar joint guy) and waiting for Steve and Jesse Bell to show up for Jam night. At closing time we got some free coffee and took off around town. There wasn't much happening so we went up to Mc. D's (saw Dan... he's so special) and then to Jesse's (fuck me, that's too many Jesse's for one day). We hung around his house for a long time, I had fun with Monster (kitty kitty) and then off to the MGM we went. Jesse wanted food and we were getting bored... (it's 2:30am) So we sat there for a good hour watching the drunks who all seem to go to there after the bars close... and of course our favorites of the evening, guy from our school who was talking about barf to the girl he was with and the hooker with the 5 guys. After some coffee and food we went back to Jesse's and I walked home at 4.

And I'm still fucking awake. I was followed home by this Nelson look alike. I was so fucking scared I'm surprised I didn't piss myself. He followed me from the white church, down pine, then down campbell and my alley. I figured you know, maybe he's just going the same way... but as soon as he was in the alley I was freaking out. He was so close fucking close to me at one point I could hear him breathing... I could feel him against my back pack... like this guy was right fucking there and he didn't say a fucking word. Like honestly I would have been less frightened if I had said something like "I'm gunna kill you" cause then I'd just blow my safety whistle (my aunty thinks I'll die without one... and who knows... I'm glad I have my keys on it), scream my head off and hit him or something. But i didn't know what the fuck to do! Should I have said something? Fuck by the time I was sure he was following me he was SO FUCKING CLOSE TO ME that I was too scared to turn around... God damn, to think if my house wasn't right at the end of the alley... *shudder* ... but now this fucker knows where I live... He watched me from the side of the fense in the front yard and then turned around and went back up the alley. GOD DAMN I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE!! ....And I was just getting over that... shit I'm fucking shaking again...

So yeah, I haven't slept yet (unless you count the 1 hour when I was trying to watch Saved By The Bell at 8am), my mommy made me a cup of coffee this morning when she woke up. Fuck, it was so fucking good... Mmmmmmm...

Pictures?: My mommy makes the best coffee.... besides the Cambie.
Me... lookin' ugly
I like my fishy ring... but not you
I forgot how icky the soy nuts were and ate them again... so yeah, I'm sad...



Thought of toasters... 06/27/2003, 5:02pm.

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