*YAWN* good morning you fuckers. My mom's trying to drag me out to woodgrove right now but Travis sent me a message saying he was in town so I really should go find him. I missed him yesterday cause me and Steve went up to the north end to buy Strung Out tickets and ended up staying at the mall an extra 2 hours to watch dun dun dun PIRATES OF THE CARABIAN!! And pfffft to all you fuckers who told me that REAL pirates don't have monkeys on their sholders. When magically turn into a pirate, I WILL have a monkey. ...and fire hooks. Pierce you're a dick. I really need my money to get id for Motion City Soundtrack and you YOU don't even care. Instead of paying me back with the money you had you spent it on booze. And then instead of working to get me my money (LIKE YOU PROMISED) you borrowed more from MY friend for yet again more alcohol. I think you have a problem. Maybe I'm just in a shitty mood from lack of sleep, I don't know. It wouldn't normally be a problem, but I told you I needed it and you said you'd pay me back the very next morning. $40 is a lot. I shouldn't bitch. It's bad for the karma. ...actually scratch that. Justin is a bitch. He's making fun of booger and me, and that's just GRRRR ASSWAD. Anyhoo, (ewww he's hugging me) I gotta shower, this monkee reeks. Seawall?


Dreamed of toasters... 08/30/03, 2:09pm.


August 27, 2003

I have crusted blood all over me. I <3 Kyle. Melissa (travy's woman) bought me a flower -boys don't even do that for me (oh, petro). I got booted from the Harbour Park again. I miss Steve. Alex bought pie. We made movies. People got beat up, Black Frank got love. I was let in on a secret today, it made me so happy. You wish you knew... oh you do. Jon is pretty with long hair. 1:30 isn't comming fast enough. I want to grow out my hair. Dreads or a hawk? Ohhh a toughy. This song makes me want to cry (for martha, the smashing pumpkins). Pierce made skater boy cry today. I cut some special people today. I drew on my shoes. I'm going to sew Jimmi's leg...

Today was weird. I love the north end children.


Dreamed of toasters... 08/27/03, 11:52pm.


August 27, 2003

Odd. Travis is back. I couldn't have given two shits at first but I've quickly come to realise that he's still a friend I want to have around, even if not right now. It's so hard. My two best friends disapear, only one came back though, and to be fully honest there were so many times when I thought "if you had to take one of them from me why not him?". It wasn't a death wish to him... hah in fact yesterday when we were walking around town you wouldn't believe how many people ran up to us and screamed "TRAVIS I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!!". *snort* Just another example of people only caring when something tragic happens, they wouldn't have given two shits if they had just known he was comming back. *shrug* made me laugh, especially Jessica -little freak. It's weird having Travis around. His girlfriend hates me, but that's to be expected, I'm the ex. I'm trying hard to make it un-akward but sometimes I just can't hold conversations with people who DON'T TALK TO ME. Oh well, I'm the same way, I get really shy around people, especially in fucked situations. It's just nice to not be the one moping around for a change. grrrr... she seems cool, I wish she'd just get it into her head somehow that I am in no way a threat and just be my friend. LOVE ME!!

I really should move to Victoria.


Dreamed of toasters... 08/27/03, 10:32am.


August 25, 2003

So burnt... sick? That too. I think this attic is melting me.

Well, so much for having a hermit day. Andy coaxed my out of my home to hang out with him, Ashlee, Lotte, and eventually Pierce, Paul and Booth. Had some good fun though... Skater boy showed up at my house and we snuck out the back, my mom found him on the porch almost an hour later and told him I was downtown and he was so confused. See, I'm not mean, he's a fucking stalker, sitting outside my house (in my front portch thing) waiting for me to leave. Eeek. I spent most of the day on the hill (you know the one) at the sea wall. Pierce and me ran around in shopping carts, he stole some crap (mmm junk food) from London Drugs, and then we smoked some free pot (4 joints) from mike and I laid on Andy and watched the clouds.

Taking Back Sunday is comming to Vancouver on the 14th of October, I'm SO excited! So that's Strung Out and Static Lullaby (i hadn't even heard anything by them before, but after downloading tons of music i'm even more stoaked on the show) on the first weekend after school, tbs on the 14, and then Motion City Soundtrack (HOPEFULLY) on the 31st! *SQUEE* I'm excited. Not to mention ANTI-FLAG (YES ANTI-FLAG) sometime in November. It's in Seattle, but I'm going no matter what, I've missed them too many times.

This weekend is pretty packed (and it's only Monday), I wanted to go to the lake but I'd miss Gamut's last show (Saturday, James Street Billiards) and I haven't hung out with those boys in so long. I bumped into Steve today and he told me about it... I really miss them, grrr sometimes I really wish I could go hang out in the past. Sprawled out on Peter's couch with the boys of Star 69 watching The Exorcist. Ahhh. Great times. Anyhoo, there's a show on Friday that Donnie really wants me to go to + it's Ashlee's birthday so everyone will be around. And Sunday it's Jon's birthday -which I can't miss, it's his 19th, very important. Hmmmm... maybe I can just go up for the Monday *sigh*


Dreamed of toasters... 08/25/03, 10:49pm.


August 25, 2003

Home. Home. Hooooooome.

So here I am with so much shit to do, many people to call and I'm sitting on my ass in front of a computer -munching on chocolate chips because I'm too lazy to go downstairs and get some real food, blasting Motion City Soundtrack in between watching clips from a Mr. Show dvd I picked up yesterday. I swear to god I'm cool. bleh, I need to stop eating this shit, I'm sick enough as is.

Friday was awesome. I was going to tell you folks all about it and then I realised only I care. But that's nothing new. It was so good to FINALLY see Steve, actually, it was good to see everyone (someone take these chocolate chips away from me ...muuuur stummy hurts...) -Pierce and Andy made my morning, and I needed some good laughs after sitting in the bank for an hour. That night we all partied and drank down at the sea wall. Many good stories, but my brain is in no condition to tell you about it. On Saturday I went to Dan and Craig's party... all this time I never realised that Craig was Dan's roomate, I thought that they were just neighbours or something. duuur. Too much beer maybe? Nah, not that night.

My head is seriously fucked this morning, I'm all jumpy and nothing I want to say can seem to make it out into words. Not that that's anything new, but it's still fucking annoying. I just got a call from the woman who was facilitating the group therapy I was in (you remember me complaining about it, I know you do) and there's going to be a new group starting in September and they want me to co-run it with them. Which makes sense considering all I was doing when I was in there was helping everyone else and ignoring my non-exsisting problem. They're also asking me to take time off school to go around to other schools and talk to students about grief... I feel a bit weird about that but jesse said he'd come around with me if they let him. Which is awesome cause I dun wanna be up there with two old ladies who just repeat EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. And aside to that my mom wants me to be head of the Youth Commity for some anti-racism board that does... I don't even know. Me and Amanda were going to do that together, witout her I think it'll just be boring blah blah bullshit and equal rights lectures. Who knows, we'll see how classes go. Shit, class in one week!! I'M SCREWED.


Dreamed of toasters... 08/25/03, 10:43am.


August 19, 2003

Home in 2 days. Thank god. These 5 weeks have felt like... well, 5 weeks. But hey, that�s a long time to be separated from all of you bitches back home. I talked to Pierce the other day on MSN (oh how i love msn when i�m travelling) and he kept trying to tell me we were spending Thursday night down at the sea wall, which would be perfectly all right if you know I didn�t mind not showering. But the stench of airport (and my back pack, holy shit it reeks of ...sweat and dirt) is something I have to clense myself of right away, so I�m going to stay down there till late, but in terms of sleep (if there is any) it can be down near my house, or preferably inside. I like my bed. In fact I miss my bed a lot, I�m allergic to the bed I have here. I�m not joking either, my sister is too (we share a room, a room with 2 beds and a monster closet that holds the body of Jon Bennet).

You know what I�m going to miss about this country the most? (besides my palmira sissy-poo) Pineapple flavoured things. Everything here is flavoured with it (okay, just candy, juices, pop [mmm the best beverage in the world is pineapple sumol], and some food...) and I love it soo soo much. (yes, two o�s, that good!) I�m going to try and smuggle home some Sumol (a kind of pop, you can buy it in Vancouver - thanks to my grandpa - but I want it now) and 12 pastage do nata, which are these amazing pastries that I�ve been living off of along with my maya do leite�s (translation: half milk, if you order a coffee here they bring you an expresso. no wonder there�s so much road rage.)

Well, time to fly away to blood sweat and tears (I�ll tell you kids of it upon my return), I�ll be home soon, very very soon.


Thought of toasters... 08/19/2003, 3:15pm (aprox. 7:15am).


August 12, 2003

Well hello depression! Where did you come from? Oh, of course, those pictures of Brody an annonymous person decided to send me. I feel sick. Asshole.

Why is it that with each passing day I become more afraid of comming home? I`m so excited about seeing everyone, yet at the same time there is something holding me back... I know what it is, but it doesn`t explain why I wish to remain in solitude. In fact, it would make more sense for me to want to surround myself with everyone. Oh well, I suppose I`ve always been confusing to others, why not to myself. I got some really fucked up e-mails today, they all made me depressed... even the one from Steve, yet that one I can`t figure out why. Maybe that`s why people who go on holidays usually don`t have contact with home... the people there are just to fucked up to understand when you`re half way around the world. Laurina I miss you you poser. I hope Montreal forks over what you want from it quickly so you can come home and deal with all the Rylan�s of the world for me. I`m so helpless and you fucking know it.

I need to talk to Amanda. Not just talk... I`ve needed to do that since we parted on early morning of the 6th of July. I mean, I need her help. It`s funny, I really am in denial. I just assumed that I wasn`t because I knew very well she was gone, but in the past few days I`ve come to realize that no matter how much I know this it doesn`t change the fact that I am almost positive she will be at home when I get there. Stupid fucking brain, it won`t listen to me try and reason with it. This may just be what I hate the most... (the most out of what, well you decide that) I`m scared. Simple enough.

I need to shave my head again.((9 more days.))


Thought of toasters... 08/12/2003, 7:00pm (aprox. 10:00am).


August 11, 2003

10 days!! ...until i see my black frank again

Well, I`m in spain again. I just arrived here yesterday after spending a good while in the Algarve. Lagos is filled with nothing but nice beaches and bars filled with drunken aussies. Me and my sister spent 2 nights in that scene. Once just for the buy the beer get the internet deal, and the other with 2 boys dressed in togas from Vancouver that we met on the street. Had a few $1 pints and convinced Dan (very easily) that underwear is only for losers and to wear a toga with someting underneath is just wrong. So then we had a very drunk almost naked boy to deal with. This was when we decided to take off. For the most part I enjoyed it, I wouldn`t want to go back with family again though, it`s definatly a drunken party town where people liked to pet me.

The 6th was hard. I was in Lisbon (Portugal`s capital) and even though it was my first real day with my dorky (aww she`s great) sister I couldn`t help but be depressed. I miss you Brody. I really hope she`s happier now... found what she was looking for... Fuck, I don`t know. (I say that too much) I just miss her so bloody much (urgh, I`ve been around too many british people). I can`t wait to go home and find Pierce on my doorstep and then wake up to Steve... I`m getting really excited.

Hah, I`d tell you where I am right now but Fransico (desk guy) was making fun of me when he read what i wrote about this place in my e-mail to Steve... So just know that it`s too nice for the likes of me, or you for that matter. I`m enjoying my one night of luxery (i can spell shhh). It was 48 degrees yesterday. I melted. I`m still melting. Spain is fucking hot. I`m used to my cold little (umm big) Canadia... I miss the island.

I feel like rambling about my lost little larvi and CLIO who nearly killed me today. but I will spare you the torture...


Thought of toasters... 08/11/2003, 8:39pm (aprox. 2:40pm).


August 3rd, 2003

fuck, i�m so depressed... and i�m alone... and i�m sick, and fucking tired of this country. anyone wanna go to portugal? i�m more than willing trade you places...

There was this special lunch here today for some relatives, my grandma�s brother and wife. Fuck I wanted to stab his wife, she was such a pain... worse last time I was here, but she still drove me crazy. The first thing she did when she arrived was show me some disease she has growing up her leg... And she�s rich and prissy and likes things CLEAN AND FUCKING HELL *STAB* *STAB* I can�t even get into it... there�s just way too much to bitch about...

On Tuesday we go to Lisbon (the capital) to pick up Palmira. Thank god, it won�t just be me and my mom anymore... That day we�re driving down to the Algarve which is the very bottom area of the country, hot and the best beaches. We�ll stay there for awhile, probably in Lagos which is where we usually spend 2 days or so. Afterwards we�re heading to southern Spain... along the coast. Gunna catch me a Monkey in Gebralter and then run away to Barcelona... Hah, I wish we were going there... it�s my favorite place in Spain after Santiago. So yeah, they (by they I mean the people in northern spain who were lighting the spanish flag on fire) are bombing the area we are going right now. So yay, an adventure... If i don�t show up at Mambo�s by 12am on Thursday consider me captured by the terrorists okay? And don�t be lazy mourners go fucking kick some terrorist butt for me!!

I found out Travis is back in BC... I�m not sure what to think of that... I�m actually kind of scared... Fuck, him and Brody were... are(?) my best friends but after the shit from these last 2 months I don�t even know what to think. He said some pretty nasty shit when I told him about Brody... It really hurt me and I�m not letting it just slip by like i did so many other times... Fuck, I don�t know... but I do know I�m a stressed out mess who needs to go home. I miss all of you... but I miss Brody more...


Thought of toasters... 08/03/2003, 8:39pm (aprox. 1:40pm).


August 2nd, 2003

Maybe I don�t want to come home... stupid girl, her life was mine too.

I�m going to have to start making serious plans before I go home or I�m not going to get anything done. I come home Thrusday night around 11pm. So that night I heard some of the kids are comming down, but I�ll be downtown after most people have to leave, so it may just be me and Pierce smokin the pot over by Black Frank, but that sounds like heaven to me. So come see me that night if you�re allowed to be out late hah. I�m cruel. Friday morning I�m going to visit Conrad and go through boxes, I�ve asked Steve to come with me, but if he�s not up for it I�ll just drag someone else along. Stupid Laurina for ditching me on that one... But I want to do that before I get into anything "fun". That weekend we (you�re probably not part of this "we" but don�t worry, we�re not special) are probably going to head up to the lake. I forgot Steve and Jesse both work durring the week, so we�ll have to go with my mom, but that�s fine, it�ll still be awesome. Monday I�m hoping to go see The Bouncing Souls with some fine young boys, I need to talk to Brad, but he still hasn�t responded to my last e-mail so if I have time I�ll try again. Tuesday - Thursday is, fuck I dunno. I�m going to call Amanda�s mom and go out for coffee or something, we need to talk... I also need to set aside plenty of time to go through Brody�s hardrive. But I have a feeling I won�t be sleeping too much (I never do) so I can spend my nights working on that. First or second week of school Daniel (my american, you guys remember GJ - brody�s american) may be comming to visit for a week. I�ll talk to Mr. Freeman about getting some time off. School. Fucking school, it�s going to be so hard this year. Mrs. Baily was already on my case, I may be in alternate by second semester because of all the shit she was doing. I wouldn�t be surprised if I arrived this year and found myself already placed in it (that was the original plan she had made without my concent) after all this shit with Amanda. They seem to think I�m "unstable" this should top it off. Oh yeah, I haven�t even ranted about what the stupid bitch Baily did at the end of the year, oh well, you�ll hear all about it come September.

It�s also come to my attention recently that I will be comming into a large sum of money paid in bi-weekly installments of $100. This begins as soon as I arrive home. So I�m getting a few piercings, and my tattoo shall soon follow... I�ve decided to leave my stars as scars, and keep carving them in. But I am getting the tattoo Brody wanted somewhere in memory. Lame, maybe to you, but whatever... I�m going to save most of the money up for travelling though. So if you catch me trying to make some large purchase of some ridiculous item you have my permission to slap me. ...I bought a Ramones shirt for $6 today. It�s XL so I�m gunna cut it out and sew pieces to my hoodie. I�m cool.

Hah, I was doodling a bunch last night and made myself a little Muscle Bitches logo and MB tag... hahaha can�t have a crew though, it�ll just stay as the original 4... errr... 2 now... Hey Pierce, we�re the only MB�s left. MUUUUUUSCLE BIIIIIITCHEEEEEES!! Oh well, in my eyes, you�re all Muscle Bitches, haha, god that�s fun to say...


Thought of toasters... 08/02/2003, 3:20pm (aprox. 7:20am).

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