Sitting in this god forsaken library for the 17th time too many... wishing I was downtown... wishing I could run... but I have to stay until 1:30... Gotta go to Drama and practise my part over and over again... I'm a fairy again, yay for me! I have both parts... urgh... Brody and I will be the best fairys... one bald and one with the uber long mohawk... yah mohawk...

God my life is so fucking boring... I left the house yesterday for a total of 20 minutes. Dropped off film and went to Dairy Queen... all I wanted was to go downtown and play in the concreate jungle that is Nanaimo, but no... I was put under house arrest and forced to shut up and quit whining about feeling trapped in my room. Mother said I could go downstairs if I wanted a change of atmosphere... Hah, downstairs... where all the old people are? I THINK NOT. So once again I locked myself in my room with Travis and watched cartoons all night.

Speaking of Travis, god his step mom... DIE BITCH DIE!! ....Okay, so I don't really have a problem with her... it is her house, and she has a right I suppose to hate Travis and all his friends... but really, say something to my face and get it over with. Don't glare at me every time you see me. Yesterday she walked in a just stopped at stared at me and then said "Why are you clining to Jesse?" in the EVILEST voice and just GLARED AND GLARED at me until Travis sat up. We were sitting on the couch and he had his arms around me... OH NO!! God I remember when we were trying to solve our "problem" her and jon sat on the couch and lectured me (NEVER TAKING HER EVIL GLARE OFF OF ME) until I was in tears and ready to kick her in the face... I won't go on... I'm done... I will save the rest of my evil ranting for my book.

Last night I woke up to a 90 degree house... It was so fucking hot I wanted to die... My first reaction was jumping out my window, but instead I wandered the house for 3 hours trying to figure out the problem... Well, that didn't happen, instead I stole pot and sat in the hot tub room for another hour playing with the cat... I went to bed at 5am. Fucking house. And there's still no water.. well, there is but it just dribbles out... I had to shower at Travis's yesterday it was so bad... I WANT TO MOVE BACK HOME............. *sigh* South Wellington... where the heart and old crazy drunken men are....

Dashboard Confessional
* 06.20.2003 ~ Auburn, Washington ~ White River Amphitheater
Who wants to coooooome? You know you cry yourself to sleep everynight... 3 CHEERS FOR EMO!! ...*cough*...


Thought of toasters... 04/23/2003, 11:38am.


April 17, 2003

Thursday... thank go there's no school tomorrow... Next block we do our play straight through, and it's going to take longer than class will which means we're all going to be guilted into staying after school... bah.

My week has been pretty straight forward, and yes that means boring. (I smell chocolate easter eggs...) I'm getting 2 rats very soon... I'm going to have to put something in the newspaper though because I want babies and the pet store only has big fat lazy ones... Although I do feel kinda sorry for them because no one will ever buy them... :( Someone go buy the 2 ugly fat rats at Petcetera mmmkay? In other news my grandparents arrive on Monday and will be staying for the week... SHOOT ME NOW!! It's one thing to go visit them... but to have them in my house for that long? Yikes. And since they will be staying in the room right across from mine there will be no smoking or smoking pot unless we go outside... damn outside... Saturday I'm hoping to go up to the lake for the day, I don't really want to stay over night though. 1. because it's too damn cold, and 2. because it's 04/20/03 on Sunday and I wanna have some fun.

In some other news, prom is also out. Rob and Brad are having issues... not sure what kind, but I hope it involves some sort of rash.... :) But something better has come along, some people are going to Fast Eddies for din din and we're all dressing up all fancy like and doing some mind-altering drugs... WEEEEE

And finally I would like to address the fact that I almost skipped town this morning. The only thing that stopped me is if I do take a vaccation I need to have more money and write a very detailed letter to my mom. I don't want to run away, I just feel trapped here, it's all the same... I just want to take a small trip somewhere..... I need to plan... because I'm actually serious about this... for once. Anyhoo... I babble too much....


Thought of toasters... 04/17/2003, 1:03pm.


April 13, 2003

Been thinking a lot about the past today. Weird memories of years past that haven't been brought up since reality kicked in. I began listening to old music on Napster (yes I STILL have napster) and I was scanning over my AIM list and practically all the people on there are from TGF... none of you will know what that is unless you've magically followed me to here like Jason did. It makes me feel pathetic to wish I was back then, life wasn't all real, there was this whole other life that no one knew about and I miss that, I miss those people. Especially that group of boys, you know who you are... you're in my heart forever.

Unfortunatly reality has to kick in sometime so here is now my weekend report. Friday was a mess, actually, it was pretty perfect... 17 lil punk kids all downtown in a huge ass group, damn right we rule. Actually, a number of posers (actually just those 3 girls really) who kinda pissed me off at times but mostly kept to themselves. Three little boys, and Brody, Jon, Steve, Laurina, Amber, Ryan R, Charolette, Brad P, Bryan, Krista, and Heddle. *Whew* So anyways 5:00pm, the meeting time at the bus stop there was an exciting mishap concerning a 45 year old male and Brody, Jon, Laurina, and I. As we were all standing up to leave to buy alkeehol this man came over on his bike and started yelling at us. He asked if we were trying to start shit with anyone on the other side of the parking lot and then got very defensive when we tried to say we were only yelling amoungst each other and not at anyone else (because of course we were being loud). He began telling us to take a look at our lives, told us we were scum, and the low lives of society. That we just sit at home and complain that our lives are so bad because our parents won't do shit for us. So Brody, me and Laurina we all yelling back and getting pretty mad when he threatend to beat up all the guys there if we didn't "shut the fuck up". He then stuck his middle finger in Brody's face which she swated away, he took that as a some sort of attack and punched her in the face. Well, Jon just snapped and dove at the guy (YAY SIBLING LOVE!) so it ended with Brody, Jon, Laurina and I all beating this guy down on the ground... Hah, we then called the cops and gave statements... And we'll never hear anything of it again because they gave up looking for him about 20 minutes later. Ahhhhh-hah-hah, and then, there was drinking. Not me, I told you I gave that up last time I was hung over and I wasn't kidding... A few sips of stolen booze isn't going to kill me. Hmmm... the only thing else I can think of that was "FUNNY" from that night would be when Steve (who I basically just met that night) and I dropped Amber off at the bus depot. On the way back we were yelling across the water at where we could see everyone (we were at the St Patty's Day spot) but they weren't responding so when we got right below them Steve yelled "ALCOHOLIC!!" and then nothing, so he looked at me and we pondered why they were quiet for a second and then I yelled "WHITE TRASH" and then yeah "SO FUCK YOU" and all of a sudden there's two cops on us with flash lights in our eyes... Turns out they were in the process of getting their booze dumped... Awwww poor drinkers...

On Saturday I went to Victoria with Ryan, Robbie and Brad to buy Bad Religion tickets. Nothing too exciting, but I had fun none-the-less. It was good to spend more time with Ryan... he says he'll actually call me so we can hang out... but I have a feeling he'll be busy with work and yeah... I'll never see him. Oh well, life moves on. Anyhoo, supposed to hang out with Amber and Brody but circumstances didn't work out and I spent my night with the usual crowd of Travis and Pierce. Suuuuunday.... Did homework, bathed the smelly dog, smoked pot with Travis and Pierce and watched movies aaaaaaaall day...


Thought of toasters... 04/13/2003, 6:32pm.


April 10, 2003

Grrrrrrr...... stupid Thursday.... My once favorite day has now become feared. Yes my friends, Jesse is now in councelling sessions. Every fucking Thursday my mother is paying $80 for someone to talk to me about how special my life really is... I don't want to be a happy drone... but I don't want to be a depressed one either... Anyhoo Friday I'm gunna finally go downtown with everyone and over to Laurina's for a gathering of some sort... For Saturday I think Ryan and Brad are planning a day trip to Victoria to buy Bad Religion tickets so I'm going to talk to Ryan about going with them. I'm going to try and get out more this weekend.... a good plan eh? .....And next Wednsday I'm going out for dinner and a movie with Penny.... (<---so i don't forget)

And I hope to shake the world as stars go out and I disintegrate...


Thought of toasters... 04/10/2003, 12:52pm.


April 8th, 2003

Back home...
My life feels like a waste...
AFI brought out the best in me, I was the happiest I have ever felt if only for a short while... I'd give anything to go back there and stay... To live in that moment forever. My life no longer feels good enough for me.
But who knows, maybe this is those little white pills talking again. They seem to be in contol more than I am... probably a good sign I need to figure things out on my own again and drop all the shit I've picked up this past while.
I've been sinserally thinking about dropping everyone I know and living in seclution, I know it wouldn't last long, but think about how nice it would be to not have all these fake happy people bothering you all the fucking time. Sometimes I wonder.....

I was about to type out all the fucking details of the concert but who the fuck cares, I can't go back... so I'll leave you with what you NEED to understand. Over 1 thousand people, their biggest concert ever. All packed on to this one floor, you know how the crowds turn. The twinks in the back, the pit in the middle, then the rush of people all cramed and smushed together like a big happy family and then the front... the war zone... haha... I stayed front-right-side for most of the show, but I was in the middle for a lot, and made it up to the front once before getting sucked back into the hull of people. I crowd surffed too many times to count, even once of the security people commented... WEEEE fun shit... I can't tell you about the music because it was too good to even describe... Davey Havok can sing like an angel... Brody got punched in the face and we ended up getting side stage spots for it and a chance to ACTUALLY MEET AFI!! But of course it never happened because that would have been heaven...... At the end of the concert one of the rodies gave me a set list which I then traded to Travis for the pic he got (custimized for Jade)....... But see, words do this concert no justice... I can't even begain to write about what I want to say... How much it actually effected me... Fuck, no one would ever understand anyways... Fuck this shit where's Carol, she'll understand.... *wanders off*


Thought of toasters... 04/08/2003, 1:18pm.


April 2nd, 2003 (Leaving tomorrow)

A-hahahaha I love April Fool's day... beat up Mandar pretty good with my trusty silly string...

Leaving for AFI tomorrow... AREN'T YOU EXCITED FOR ME?!? Golly-gee I sure know I am... Change of plans though, we're all staying in a hotel because my aunt's sick... The first night we'll probably stay in Bellingham, but the second night we'll be in Seattle... Which means yay I hope there's a balcony facing the street... or something that ice can be freely chucked out of on to people... :)

Taking pot over the border... probably a bad idea, but most likely nothing'll happen and I'll be able to sleep peacefully.

Got me a pair of pants at VV's today (and 3 stuffed animals... no I don't have enough already...), and then I spent an hour turning them into studded shants... oh joy of joys :)

But I must be on my merry way for I have many things to... attend to... muah-ha-ha-ha-HAAAAA!!


Thought of toasters... 04/02/2003, 11:34pm.

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