nightmare

I�m sure that by now you�ve all heard about the �Nightmare on Bridge Street�. KLQ bills it as being �totally twisted�. Well, I wanted to see if they were telling the truth. By the grace of god (okay, the Paper), we were able to get in without paying the $10 price. Unfortunately, we�d forgotten to ask what the price would be on our souls (insert spooky noise here).

The first thing we noticed going in (BESIDES the zombie, who was on her cigarette break) was that they asked us to sign a waiver. Hearing this, I offhandedly remarked �a waiver? damn, this place is gonna rock!� This, however, prompted Isak to inform me that his bladder was extremely full. It was at about this point that I dedided to ignore him.

After waiting 20 minutes for our �tour� to begin, our �guide� felt the need to inform us that he�d �only lost three groups so far�. I might�ve been worried if this weren�t a pretty standard line. Needless to say I was not impressed.

After a brief run-through of the rules, we were off. The first room contained a loud, fat man. Imagine Santa drunk. The extent of his performance was gesturing menacingly with hedge clippers, swearing, and informing us that �this wasn�t no pussy haunted house like the Jaycees got.�

After about 5 minutes of verbal abuse from the belligerent drunk, we moved on. I�m still not totally sure what was supposed to be happening in the next room. It was pitch black, illuminated occaisionally by flashes of light. It might have made more sense to me had I not been distracted by the midget grabbing my ass.

The third room can be summed up in two words: puking whore. She lay in the ceiling, retching and threatening to empty her bucket onto our heads. I thought that this was part of the show until I saw her bottle of Gatorade. I pity that girl.

There were a total of three more rooms upstairs. I�m going to be very brief about them, as they were pretty cool and I don�t want to ruin it for you. So, I�ll just mention some high points: singing suicide, man in drag, and �blood-wrestling� with Stilleto and Candy. Next stop: downstairs.

At the bottom of the stairs, we were treated to the glorious sight of Andy Warhol. Practicing dentistry. The tools he used to �help� his patient (after calling us all ugly) were as follows: spiky thing, hammer, and a baseball bat. Good times, good times.

On the way to the next room, we met a gorilla, who, after urinating on the floor, masturbated and offered me some of its own feces.

Once we got past THAT disturbing image (who Isak tried to push me into, his explanation: �I thought it was gonna throw the poo!�) we got to hear a story. I didn�t really catch it all, but the storyteller said �cock� approximately 7 times.

Next up was a puppet show. They didn�t have a story and one puppets foot fell off halfway through. �Nuff said.

The grand finale was three rooms. The first was a great gameshow parody, by the name of �Burn that Witch, Mitch!�. It ended with technical difficulties, due to demonic possession. Next was some sort of exorcism. Didn�t make much sense, but it was funny. Finally, we had a guy smacking another guy with a giant penis.

So, here�s the summary:

Price: $10 per person
Location: on Alabama, just of Bridge street
Hours: 8 pm to 1 am
Time Running: now through Halloween
Rating: 4 (out of 10)

This place was poorly done. I got in free and I still wanted my money back. Despite what the drunk said, the Jaycees haunted house was still better.