coroner

When it comes to strange movies, I am often at a loss for words. That would be why I so rarely write movie reviews. Well, that and the fact that I'm not so good at remembering a plot. But that's beside the point. You see, the truth of the matter is, I have found a movie which I feel comfortable with reviewing. Not since Cemetery Man have I felt so? inspired.

But, to fully explain this movie, I must, of course, explain the events that led me to renting it.

It was about 9:30 at night, when I decided that I wanted to see a horror movie. So, being the fool I am, I felt compelled to walk over to Blockbuster and rent one! I would've just grabbed my coat and been off, but, as it was dark out, my mother insisted that I take the dog with me.

I hurried over to the video store. Upon entering (after tying the dog up out back, of course) I headed straight for the horror section. Trying to work quickly as the dog was outside in the cold, I was able to narrow it down to two different movies. The Dentist 2 or the Coroner. Now, as I had a dentist's appointment the next day, I felt it would be better if I NOT see a movie about a psychotic dentist. So, The Coroner it was.

I freaked out as soon as the previews came on. Why? Well, you see, there was a preview for a porno. Not something I was expecting. But, it was amusing, nonetheless. Fortunately, there were only two previews, and then it was on to the main event.

The movie opens in a strip club. I immediately ejected the video, just to make sure I hadn't accidentally rented a porno (don't laugh; it's happened to me before). I was somewhat surprised to find that it was the correct movie. So, I hit play and settled down to enjoy several nice pairs of tits.

Within moments, I was wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into. 5 minutes into the movie and I had already seen more nudity and violence than in the entire Friday the Thirteenth series. No joke, it was that good.

Well, this movie was certainly shaping up to be a snooze. I considered taking a break to eat a sandwich, maybe jerk-off, but decided to see if it got any better.

I was not disappointed.

Despite the apparent lack of a story at the beginning, it quickly developed into a supremely interesting spectacle.

Normally, I would summarize the entire story for you, but, honestly, I don't feel up to it. So, I'll do the ultra-brief version.

Emma (stunningly portrayed by a Bridget Fonda look-alike, damn what a fox) is a successful lawyer. Despite being called an ambulance chaser by the D.A. she is quite the caring soul. In fact, she suggests to a prostitute client that she try sex for fun. Unfortunately, this does not develop into the hot, girl on girl action I was hoping for.

Skip the next few minutes.

By this point, Emma has been kidnapped by a psychotic coroner. He is holding her in his secret basement in order to torture her. You see, Emma tried to kill herself when she was 14 and the coroner (Leon, by name) feels cheated.

After cutting off her finger, Leon slips up, allowing Emma to escape. First thing out of his house, she gets hit by a car. Definitely one of the more amusing scenes in the movie.

She wakes up in a hospital, and proceeds to spend the next 20 minutes or so of the movie trying in vain to convince everyone that Leon is a monster. Obviously, she fails, but I think this had more to do with her methods than anything else. You see, she is of the opinion that you can convince everyone of your sanity by breaking into his house, blowing a hole in his basement, and beating the crap out of him. She gets carted off by the police.

Finally, she gets taken to jail.

Leon, nice guy that he is, decides not to press charges? as long as she gets some mental help. So, they get to release the unstable woman. They release the unstable woman, who, by the way, owns a gun. I wish the police here were so trusting.

Anyways, at about this point, the movie takes a track that I have never, ever seen done before. Emma totally turns the tables on Leon. I don't want to give too much away, but I'll tell you this much, she does attack him with both a katana and a staple gun.

My advice is, rent this movie. It really isn't so violent. Bloody? Yes. Filled with more sex than IKU? Of course. Basically, it's got everything you look for in a movie.