cemetary

When I rented this movie, my only reason for doing so was the title. Yes, I�m a sucker for a good title.

This movie is, quite simply, a masterpiece. It is also one of the strangest movies I have ever seen. The plot is confusing, the cinematography is beautiful.

The basic idea is that the dead rise. 7 days after their death, they come back (sometimes). Now, hearing this you might assume it�s just another zombie movie, I assure you, it is not.

Franceso Delamorte (Saint Francis of Death) is the caretaker of a cemetery in Bella-something (I cant remember the town�s name, so sue me). His job is fairly boring except for the dead periodically rising from their graves. But his whole life is changed when She (they never give her a name in the movie) goes to her dead husbands funeral.

It�s love at first sight for Francesco. He spends the next 10 minutes of the movie muttering, "will I see her again?". Luckily for his horny ass, he does! While (attempting) to flirt with her, he offhandedly remarks how beautiful their ossuary is ( for those of you not in the know, it�s essentially a place where they store bones, no, I don�t know why). She must see it!

Apparently, the sight of all those bones makes Her insanely horny (I�m going to avoid making the obvious "bone" joke). Within 5 minutes, they�re fucking on Her dead husband�s grave.

Then, just as he thinks the worst is over, there�s a bus/motorcycle accident. A bunch of nuns and teenagers die. And, lucky for him, they all come back (in one case, causing an earthquake as they rise).

This wonderful little sequence, treats us to a boy eating his girlfriend. Quite literally. In the process of stopping him, Delamorte kills the girl. This poses a large problem because, unlike the living dead, it�s wrong to kill the living.

Amazingly though, he doesn�t get caught. So, he gets to talk to Death. Yes, he actually talks to Death. The advice he is given is as follows, "if you don�t want the dead coming back, then kill the living". This provokes Delamorte (who wasn�t quite right to begin with) into a killing spree.

Approximately 10 minutes (and 7 people) later, Delamorte has returned home. And once again, he�s not a suspect (this gets to be a pattern). Instead, the police suspect the retarded gravedigger. But, they never actually arrest him. Instead, the severed head he�s been romancing flys out of the TV and kills the mayor (I KNOW you didn�t see that one coming, probably because, up till this point, I haven�t even mentioned the retarded gravedigger).

Well, with the mayor dead, it paves the way for a new mayor (and allows Delamorte to kill the old mayor when he comes back). The new mayors secretary looks (gasp!) just the Delamorte�s true love!

And, in fact, she�s in love with him (double gasp!). They start a budding romance with only one problem, she�s afraid of penises. No, I�m not making this up.

But, Delamorte, being the man he is, goes down to the local surgeon and demands to be made impotent. Again, I�m not making this up, he actually does this. The surgeon does it too!

Yet, it is not meant to be. The woman soon gets raped by the mayor. And you know what, she loves it. So, she marries the mayor instead of Delamorte.

Now it�s time for about the strangest part of the movie. None of this send Delamorte into a killing frenzy! He makes himself impotent for this woman, she leaves him, and all he does is go out and get drunk! This man is totally insane.

At the bar, he meets a college girl who looks EXACTLY like the last two loves of his. He gives her a ride home and they too fuck like rabbits. Only she�s a whore. So he burns her house down (there�s that pent up rage!).

And once again, he gets away with it. This time though, it�s because his friend, Franco (who I also haven�t mentioned up to this point), confesses to the murder (but not before going home and killing his wife).

Being the dutiful friend that he is, Delamorte visits Franco in the mental institution. And accuses him of stealing his murders. And then proceeds to go on another rampage, killing two nurses and a doctor.

And he gets away again! In fact, when the police officer sees his gun, all he says is "good, you�re armed, that way you can defend yourself". And this bothers Delamorte.

It bothers him so much, that he decides to leave Bella... Bella... leave the little town. He and the retarded gravedigger drive away, never to return (on the way, Delamorte can�t resist running down a bicyclist).

Now, here�s the part that doesn�t make much sense. The rest of the world doesn�t exist. The movie ends right there, on the nonexistent highway at the end of the tunnel.