This time of year is always the most painful for me. Uh, I mean, my other guy friends. Could you give me some tips to help them with the ladies? Perhaps a list of do's and don�ts. Anything you could do to help would be... uh... err... helpful!
--A guy that likes to play piano, chess and video games that goes to JMU that you definitely don't know.
I can definitely understand where you...uh..your other guy friends are coming from. The modern woman is a mystery. She says one thing and means another, she does the same thing twice and it means a different thing each time....I mean it boggles the male mind. Looking at the differences between men and women, how can one deny that God has a sense of humor? I'm sure we crack Him up. But alas, do not give up hope, for I can help you. You see, I am not one to brag....but what can I say, the ladies love me. So I'm going to help you out. Just follow my simple list of Do's and Don'ts, and you cannot fail.
Do: Carry a boombox around with you at all times blaring ABBA as loud as it will go....you may substitute the A*Teens if you prefer. I don't know why this one works, man. But it's never done me wrong.
Don't: Try to pick up the check at dinner.
Seriously, dude. Modern Girls get offended if you pay for anything. They get mad if you fund the whole date. So do what I do. Pretend to forget your wallet at home...so the girl HAS to pick up the check. Seriously, it's what she wants.
Do: Buy them a star?
I don't know, I think this was in some movie...or something. Anyways, all the girls talk about it and they get all dumb middle school girl-ish about it.....so it's worth a try.
Don't: Buy them little things for no reason just to show you care.
They just get mad at you! I know it doesn't make sense, but like I said, the Modern Woman is a mystery. You try to show your affection by getting them little things to show you were thinking about them....and they get mad and hit you in the shoulder with the palm of their hand and say that you're spoiling them. Just take my word for it, man.
Do: I once saw this movie where this sick dentist put all of his patients under anesthesia and then.....oh wait.....this is a Don't also. Forget I wrote this.
Don't: Compliment them.
Once again, the mind of a Modern Woman defies rational thought. When a woman gets complimented, one of two things will happen. Either she will shut-up faster than George W. at a book discussion group and stay quiet just as long, or she will again, get mad, hit you in the shoulder and tell you not to say stuff like that 'cause they get embarrassed.
Alright dude, consider yourself lucky to have found out these things ahead of time. You should know how blessed you are that you have someone of my caliber helping you out. I know these may not all make sense, but neither do women. So just follow my instructions, and, although you may want to, you don't even have to thank me later. I'm happy to do it. Now if you screw up and do the don'ts and don't the do's, I will not be responsible for the outcome. Whatever happens then is on your own head. Don't come crying to me about it. Good luck, not that you'll need it.
Jeff