Once Upon a Time... When I Was Alone:
Part Two
By: Kitty E.
I woke up the next morning, just when I don't know, for some reason I refused to look at
the clock. For a long time, I just lay there, staring up at the ceiling,
asking myself hard question, and for once not backing down. If Heero did love
her, was it possible I could make him love me? Would I be able to live with
myself if I came between them? Would having Heero make me happy? Could I ever
just leave this feeling behind? Wouldn't it be better if I just let Heero go?
I didn't much like the answers I found within myself.
Mostly, I was tired. I was tired of pouring my whole heart into what was
at best a one sided a relationship, at worse something that existed only in my head. I was
tired of knowing what I wanted and yet being constantly deprived of it, tired
of being so unhappy, and yet pretending there was nothing wrong. I was so
tired, that for once finding someone new seemed like a good idea. It seemed
the best decision was to give up this up. Stealing Heero wasn't going to make
me anything but bitter.
A moment later, I realized I wanted it, I wanted things to be the way
they were. Before I met Heero, things were simple, I had everything under
control, real happiness felt like it was just within my reach. I was
miserable, pining after Heero like I was, I would welcome the chance to be
set free. I knew that.
And yet, at the same time I was horrified at the prospect of just
deciding not to love Heero anymore. I couldn't see how it was even possible
to just stop loving someone. How did one go from having almost your entire
heart devoted to someone, with the promise it would be forever to 'hey, we're
just friends?' Still, I thought as I finally got up out of bed, there can't
be any harm in trying.
When I stepped out of the bedroom, I was greeted with a familiar site,
Heero working tirelessly at his laptop. "Dammit, Heero, you should be in
bed," I scolded, who cares if I sounded like a mother hen.
"The mission report should have been done last night," he replied
monotonously.
"I think they'll understand," I said, annoyed that he was taking chances
with his health again. Why did he have to act like he wanted to die, didn't
he have something he wanted to live for, even if it wasn't me? "At least let
me finish it for-"
"It's already done," he said haltingly.
I nearly groaned as he uploaded and sent the report. If it was finished
that meant he'd gone out to Wing and Deathscythe to recover the battle
recorders. Bastard, what would I have done if he had lost consciousness in
the woods, in the streets? "Well, then, there's nothing for you to do now but
rest and recuperate."
"Wing needs to be repaired," he said, getting up.
"No," I said firmly. "I won't let you kill yourself after all I've done
to save your- Heero!" He started swaying as I spoke, and by the time I
realized what that meant he was heading for the floor. I caught him,
following the downward momentum until I knelt on the floor with him in my
arms. I called his name a few times, but he was out cold. I wondered if I
should take him to a doctor, but I told myself it was a combination of
physical and mental exhaustion. Carefully, I gathered him up and took him
back to room we shared. Heero's skinny as hell, but it was all muscle so he was
*heavy.* By the time, I made it to his bed I fell with him, leaning over him,
one arm still trapped beneath his shoulders.
I want to kiss him. Oh my god, you have no idea how hard it was to pull
away, but I managed, and in doing that I knew what I had to do. To leave
Heero behind in my heart, I had to leave him physically. I had to keep my
distance until I forgot about all his lovely temptations, only then could I
let go. I tried it, leaving the safehouse to repair Deathscythe, and do a
little work on Wing. For a long time I thought about him, the way he smelled,
how soft his skin was, his lips, his eyes, everything. After an hour or two I
fell into the groove of working, thoughts of Heero's near perfection became
thoughts of how to perfect Deathscythe's mechanics. Only when my
thoughts turned to going home, remembering that Heero would be there, did they
return to him.
To open my heart to an obtainable love, I had to let go of Heero. To let
go of Heero, I had to leave. There were no other options. When I got home,
the new mission had come in. Heero was given a week of leave for his injuries
and I was to go back into fighting as soon as possible. Lucky bastard. I
memorized the information and deleted the file. I had made my decision... but I
still wanted that kiss. That was the only thing I could ask of Heero, one
good-bye kiss. I waited... I wanted Heero to be awake when I stole my kiss.
When I entered the bedroom Heero was asleep still, but it was clear he'd
gotten up to do things. My bed was made, Heero's such a neat freak. Thank
god, or we'd be living in a pile of my own filth. I stared at him a long
time, biting my lip and trying to decide which bed to take. Eventually, I
made the right decision, and went to bed alone feeling more empty than I ever
had in my life.
The next day I lay in the bed, much like the morning before. It took me a
long time to work up the courage to go out and see if I could really do this.
As I packed, and readied for the trip, I psyched myself up for it, but it was
hard to tell if I really believed it.
"Heero?" I called stepping out of our room. It was time to say good-bye,
there was nothing left to delay it, and besides, I had something special in
store. It was the end of this mission, we were going solo again, if I ever
saw him again, it'd be once or twice a month for a week at best. Nothing I
couldn't handle, one thing I know how to deal with is a broken heart.
There was a noise of acknowledgement from the kitchen, and I followed it.
I found Heero making coffee, and my convictions faltered. I wondered just how
stupid this was, but the brief moment his eyes locked with mine convinced me
that I needed this.
"It's time for me to go," I said, nonchalant as always, Heero doesn't
need any help being more serious.
He didn't say anything, just poured the coffee and reached for the sugar.
I always thought that was cute, Heero loves sugar, anything he can add it to,
he does. I can sympathize; I didn't have anything sweet when I was a kid
either. I took a few steps forward, "Well? You gonna say good-bye, or what?"
"Your mission, where is it?" he asked, gruffly.
I laughed, "Uh-uh, Heero, I'm not telling you. You've been given a week
leave, and you're taking it." I took a few steps closer, my stomach was doing
somersaults, but I forced myself to do it. It would be so easy to do never do
it, to never let him know how much he meant to me.
He just glared at me and took a sip of his coffee. I smiled when he added
more sugar, somehow more convinced by that one gesture than anything else.
"Hey, Heero..." I started, meaning to say more, but he turned to face me
completely, and I lost the ability to speak under his heavy, clear eyes. I
closed the space between us, slipping my arms past him to rest on the
counter, and press nearly the entire length of our bodies together. I
couldn't steal him away from himself, from the solitude he used as a shield,
but I could steal a kiss.
He didn't move, didn't even close his eyes, as our lips met, softly
first, then with firmer touch as I put the full force of my emotion into it.
A ripple past through me as I parted his lips with the hand I rested on his
cheek. He tasted like over sweetened coffee, and I drank in as much as I
could. I don't think I ever would have remembered I wanted just one kiss until
he finally grabbed my braid, and pulled it so taught my head fell back, breaking the kiss.
His eyes hadn't changed at all from the first moment we kissed, and that
fact alone was crushing me. "What are you doing?" he asked.
I stepped back, snatching my hair from him, laughing. "God, don't tell me
you've never been kissed before."
He glared at me, hard. I guess he thought I was making fun of him, but I
wasn't. I was just numb, I'd stolen Heero's first kiss. What kind of bastard
was I? Before I could speak he snapped at me.
"No, but I know what it means, and-"
"It doesn't mean anything," I insisted walking away. God what a lie, but
I wasn't going to let two hearts be broken for my selfish wish. I had what I
wanted, one kiss, I'd said what I needed to say even if Heero could understand it, that had to be enough. There wasn't any
reason to lead Heero into the same kind of indecision I was in.
"Where are you going?" he asked, remaining in the kitchen but raising his
voice enough to make me pause.
"I told you already, I'm not telling you," I started to leave again. I
had to get out of there. I knew I was being confusing, but my own thoughts
were so muddled I couldn't even begin to explain it to him. Everything was
already packed and in the truck, all there was to do was leave the safehouse
and drive away. I was surprised I really did it. I pushed myself to stick to
the plan, to let Heero go. It was for the best, it was healthy, it was
killing me inside.
I broke down when I reached city limits, not so much to the tears, though
there were some, but to the full weight of what had happened. Heero was the
one dream I'd allowed myself in a long time, and it was tough deciding it
wasn't ever going to happen. I drove all night, using the road as
distraction. I made a two part trip in one night. The physical space between
us made it easier some how, snapped everything into an unchanging reality.
I sat in the car a long time, staring up at the padded ceiling, partly because I was
exhausted, partly because I couldn't find a reason to do anything right now.
With a sigh, I bullied my body into motion, finding enough strength to get
out of the car, but not to get my bag, instead making my way to the
safehouse. I pushed open the door, and about screamed.
"Heero, what the fuck!" I stood in the doorway, nailed to the floor. It
wasn't possible, I'd gone mad, complete and utter animal crackers. I stared
at him for a long time, he was sitting on the couch, a thoughtful look on his
face. He never disappeared, never wavered, and didn't start stripping, so I
figured he wasn't a fantasy. I decided to test it with a question, "Heero, what
are you doing here. *How* did you even get here?"
"I took a plane," he replied, getting up.
"You left Wing?" I asked, now I was sure this wasn't reality.
"No, I *took* a plane," Heero corrected. He was coming closer, and my
body jerked into motion, finally stepping into the room, but quickly moving
away from him.
I forced a laugh, "You're really impossible, Heero. You're so bound and
determined to-"
"That's not why I'm here." My obvious reluctance to get near him kept him
where he was, but still he asked the question. "Why did you do it, Duo? Why
did you kiss me?" He said in such a detached tone
"Oh, god, Heero, don't. Don't, please. Don't ask me that, don't stay,
don't even look at me like that if you don't-" I trailed off. For once even I
could tell it was best to leave this unsaid.
Heero moved towards me, almost challenging me. "If I don't what?"
Well, Duo Maxwell never backs down from a challenge, it's one of my cute
quirks. "If you don't want to be with me, in every sense of the term," I
blurted.
Heero took a deep breath, "I don't know what I want."
"That's why it's best you leave. Heero, please, I don't need a tease. If
it can't be forever, I don't want to be left alone again. I couldn't survive
it, not another time."
Heero's eyes did that thing, it's so indescribable, but I'll try. His
eyes were usually so flat, and in control, even when he was losing it, but
every now and then, this emotion, this pure caring and compassion breaks
through and makes me want to die. His every feature softened, and he said the
most unbelievable thing. "I understand."
He understood. He knew what I needed, knew what I wanted, and so whatever
he did next was to be taken seriously. He reached out, and took hold of
my sleeve, but didn't pull, he was just asking. I took a step forward, and
then one away, another three forward to pull him into my arms. His arms came
around me, clamped down, and held me so tight I wondered if he ever meant to
let go. If felt so good to be held that way, good enough to wipe away all the
pain I'd been hording.
I didn't know it if would last forever, I didn't know how long it'd last
at all. He could get killed tomorrow and so could I, he could find another
and so could I, there were too many variables to even ask the question and
answer it logically. But in the end it didn't matter, the world could end
tomorrow, and this perfect moment would still have happened. Quite a heist,
ne? I stole time from the universe, and love away from loneliness.
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Epilogue