Once Upon a Time... When I Was Alone:
Epilogue
By: Kitty E.
(NOTE: Perspective changes here. Heero's turn to have his say.)
I never thought love was for me. After all, if whatever leads us, be it fate or chaos, god or freewill, saw it fit that my parents, the two people who had a biological imperative to love me, could find it in their hearts to abandon me, what hope did any ordinary person have? It didn't bother me, love didn't fit into my world. It was a luxury I was sure I couldn't afford. The time and effort put in to make it work, the emotional involvement, and the creation of duties other than the mission were all things I didn't think I had it in me to give.
For a long time, I guess I was right. I felt, sometimes too deeply, but it was never for another person. It was for myself, for my mistakes and pain. I didn't think that anyone could change that. Like so many times before, I was wrong. Relena opened my mind to the possibility but it was Duo who continually connected with something even deeper within me. Every time he touched me I felt something pass between us, every time he looked at me I could sense a deeper meaning beneath his indigo eyes. I couldn't ignore it, it came from the very center of me.
And I liked it. I liked it when he put his arm around my shoulders. I liked when he begged me not to die, not to hurt myself. I liked it when his voice and hands woke me from a nightmare. I wanted more of that, and I wanted it to stop. It was easier, less confusing when it was just me and my thoughts. I was getting used to it, accepting it for what it was and nothing more, and then he blew away every rationalization I had formed with a simple gesture. I didn't know what a kiss was, really, I thought it was just two mouths pressed together in varying degrees of intimacy. Maybe it is, and Duo's kisses are just that much more.
He took away every defense I had against this unfamiliar feeling, and then tried to leave me, alone and exposed. I would have let him, if I hadn't needed to know why. I thought I knew what a kiss was, I was wrong. Perhaps, I was wrong about what a kiss meant, as well. I had always thought it symbolized desire, a sexual need. And yet, if he left without fulfilling that desire, perhaps it meant something else. Something more. I can't help but be vague, I still don't understand, but I knew I needed to know.
When I asked, he spoke of loneliness, of rather being alone than living through one more broken promise. I know what it is to be alone, and for the first time I realized I didn't want it that way. I realized that every time I looked into Duo's eyes I saw the promise of an end to that loneliness. So long as he and I were alone in this world there wasn't any reason to leave each other behind. There wasn't any reason not to reach out to him, not to ask him to do what he did before, strip away the inner walls that were crushing me, and show me a feeling I had never dreamed was within him, within me.
He sleeps with me again, only this time every part of our bodies touch, I like that. It's uncomfortable, hot, it's keeping me up, but for the first time in my entire life there's no sadness in my heart, only a warm feeling, a sense of safety, caring, and affection. I want to wake him up, so he'll say the things he said before, so he'll kiss me again, and settle himself beside me as though it were completely natural. I let him sleep, there's tomorrow night, I tell myself, I won't let this feeling fade.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Return to Missed Chances