Once Upon a Time... When I Was Alone:
Part One
By: Kitty E.
There's a satisfaction in being good at what you do, even if it is
killing. Deathscythe, Shinigami given a material form, and I are
invincible... or at least that's how it felt as I sliced through one tower
after another like it was air, and watched the mobile suit carriers ignite
and explode. This is hell, and *I* made it. I would have shouted that out at
the enemy if Heero hadn't been there. I didn't want him to think I was
enjoying it. I thought he understood once, but I know better now. Heero
wasn't a killer, though he had taken many lives, some of them innocent, Heero
was never meant to be a killer. I took it upon myself to score most of the
kills, bearing the weight of guilt so Heero wouldn't have to.
The defenses were all down on the south end, and Heero would be coming
down from the North soon, I didn't know what was taking him so long, but I
tried not to think about it too much. It was time to take down the actual
base itself now, and that needed my full concentration. It was big, more
crowded than I would have thought, and a lot of people were going to die. It
was with a small amount of regret that Deathscythe and I raised the thermal
scythe, both of us just extensions of each other. I started to bring it
down, to rip into the building and begin the destruction but a flash of white
Gundam filled my screen. 'Oh god, no, Heero's in the way,' I thought when I
realized he was in the direct path of a killing blow.
It was too late to stop the momentum of the swing, and a lesser pilot
would have damaged Wing, maybe even killed the pilot inside, but I knew I
still had control the thermal blade, and quickly switched it off. It's not by
arrogance that I tell you this, I remembered only a second before Wing was
struck by the now harmless end of the scythe. "Heero!" I shouted, partly
because I was sick with worry, partly because I was mad as hell. "Goddamn it,
what the hell do you think you're doing?" 'What would I have done if I had
killed you?' I shouted silently.
"She's in there," he replied simply, placing his Gundam between me and
the base, allowing everyone inside to evacuate.
There's only one girl he'd do that for, Relena. He nearly
killed himself, no, nearly had himself killed by me, for that girl... again.
"Heero, we've got to take out this base before things get a lot hairier,
she's probably been taken care of!" It's not that I want to kill her, I would
have felt like shit if I had, but I wasn't going to let Heero get himself
killed over her, over anyone.
"No, it's almost done. Wait," he ordered.
"Fucking bastard," I swore
quietly. Fucking selfless, beautiful bastard. The rush of people out the
door was waning off, Relena had to have been among them, important as she is.
I push past him, and he lets me by. I don't say a word, there are no victory
cries over this battle, only a scant few seconds of quiet before the
reinforcements come.
True hell broke loose when they arrive. It was the closest I've come to
meeting Shinigami in person, I'd say the same for Heero, but god only knows
how many times Shinigami has tried to take him unsuccessfully. Relena proved
to be all right, she was shouting at Heero from her pink limo again, begging
him to stop fighting. I reconsidered my reluctance to kill her but as always
the same thought speaks up in her defense. Why? Because she's as madly in
love with him as you are? Because you think she'll win one day, and Heero
will be hers?
I don't like the answers, so I shut them out, and begin to make snide
comments, even as I'm thrown around repeatedly. There's no heart behind them,
there never really was. Death isn't as much fun as I'd like to think it is. We make
it out alive, as does Relena, and my only triumph is that I go home with
Heero. I'm petty in that respect, but I've always known that, and it felt
good to know I'd keep Heero by my side and not hers for a little longer.
Wing's been damaged so badly that I have to tow it with Deathscythe. Nothing was
said on the open comm channel as we escaped to hide our Gundams. It was only
when we set down that I dared an exchange. "A little too close for comfort,
ne, Heero?"
Nothing. Not even a token 'hn' for my troubles. "Heero, I'm sorry... how
was I supposed to know your girlfriend was in there?" There, he hated it when
I say stuff like that. I waited to be berated, for at least some kind of
reaction, but still there was silence. Deathscythe was shut down, and I
opened up the cockpit. "Heero?" I called across the space between our
Gundams. "Heero! Dammit, are you okay?"
Wing was still battle ready, why wasn't Heero shutting it down? I raced
over to it, and opened the hatch manually. Heero was out cold, a telltale
trickle of blood down his temple, along with an ugly purpling bruise. "Oh God, not
this," I breathed, funny how I always came back to Him no matter how many
times I deny His existence. I slapped Heero's face softly, "Wake up, Heero!
Wake up, don't you do this! Don't you dare do this to me! Wake up!" It was
hard, I wanted to shake him, beat him senseless if it would just get him to
open his eyes, in my panic I didn't even think to take a pulse. Heero's eyes
fluttered briefly then blinked open completely.
A genuine smile of relief must have crossed my face, at odds with the
tears I knew were shining in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. He
stared up at me as if he didn't know me, then shook his head softly to
regain his bearings. He tried to speak but I wouldn't let him, for once I
wanted him to be silent.
"It's alright, Heero, we're safe, she's- everybody's okay. Ninmu kanryou,
all right?"
Heero nodded shallowly, and struggled to get up under his own power. I
wanted to pull him into my arms, I wanted to hug and kiss and beg him never
to do anything like that ever again, be it for me, or her, or anyone. It was
just too close, too familiar, the life of someone I cared about hanging by a
thread that wasn't mine to decide the length. But, there was nothing for me
to do but offer my shoulder. He took it, leaning his full weight against me,
though he probably saw it as a necessity I felt like I was trusted. I took
him home, never letting go of him, even when he said he could manage. I
wanted to milk this moment for all it worse worth. I would need it for the
long dry spells where I was sure he couldn't care less for me.
I let him walk when we here inside the safehouse. He staggered over to
the bed, and fell atop it, without a thought about removing his clothes, or
getting under the covers. I fought my own fatigue and retrieved the first aid
kit from the bathroom. As gently as I could, I cleaned, cared for, and
bandaged the wound on Heero's temple, then bound the wrist I had nearly
broken. I was about to ask him something, anything, wanting something to
comfort me before I wandered over to my bed to pass out, but when I looked up
it was plain to see he was already dead to the world, fast asleep.
I tried to stand, but I swayed so violently that I chose to simply sit on
Heero's bed before I fell on my ass. I was given the perfect view of Heero in
his most unguarded state. There was no one to see, no one to disapprove of my
staring, and I took the chance to memorize the peaceful look on his face, the
sound of his breathing, wondering what kind of dreams a boy like Heero
had. Who knows, he may even dream of me, I smirked. Not likely, but then
there was no guarantee he dreamt of her either. Idle thoughts replaced my
unanswerable questions, and I lost myself within them for a moment. I had
half a dozen fantasies of pinning him beneath me, of waking him and telling
him how I felt, of just stealing one perfect kiss to carry with me in
whatever dark places I would have to travel through.
My head fell back, and my body started to list as sleep tried to take me against my wiil. I snapped my eyes open,
and I was left with an idea dreamt up in the haze of unconsciousness. I could sleep
here tonight, in Heero's bed. Heero would need to be cared for, his condition
was dangerous, and even though he'd woken up and seemed all right there was
no guarantee that he'd be unaffected by the nasty blow he'd taken. It was the
perfect excuse, and my tired mind and body embraced it heartily. Carefully, I curled
up next to him, making sure we didn't touch, even if the buffer was only a few
centimeters in some places. He moved his head slightly, letting it fall to
one side, and I could feel his breath across my cheek. I closed my eyes, and
let myself fall away from the world.
I hate sleeping alone, vehemently. When I was with the other orphans we
would sleep in a great pile of shared body heat, and comfort. When I was with
the Maxwell Church, Sister Helen, or sometimes Father Maxwell, would hold me
until I fell asleep, telling bible stories of virtue and salvation. Their
message never got through, but I did learn the art of storytelling as you can
see. When they, when everything was taken from me, I found myself alone every
night since then. The solitude I felt in those moments when I was most real,
the minutes before I fell asleep, and after I woke, frightened me. I hated it,
I hated being alone, and in some ways I connected the unpleasant feeling of
loneliness with sleeping in an empty bed. I was fifteen then, just who I was
supposed to wake up with was beyond me, but as I lay there, next to Heero, I
knew who I wanted it to be. I fell asleep beside him, devouring the peace I
felt to store up for the consequences I would face the next day.
I woke next to the sensation of a heavy fist connecting with my shoulder.
"Itai!" I hissed, rolling on to my back, and trying to blink away the sleep
that still clung to my mind. A second blow fell hard against my breastbone,
and I had the wind knocked out off me. "Heero, you bastard, what the hell are
you doing?" I wheezed. I sat up and tried to glare at him, but during my
scrutiny, I realized what was happening. He was dreaming, in the midst of a
nightmare, one hand repeatedly pounding the bed, the other clenching the
sheets so tightly I thought they'd rip.
Kneeling over him, I shook his shoulders, and touched his face. "Heero,"
I pleaded, mirroring my past actions. "Wake up," I demanded.
He opened his eyes, blue orbs looking up at me for once without the
coldhearted intelligence of a soldier, but the pleas of a lost boy. He didn't
say anything for a long time, just stared at me and tried to reconcile the
differences between reality and the dream world. "You had a nightmare," I
told him, I didn't know what else to say.
"What are you doing here?" he asked me, all at once his eyes became ice. I
swallowed back my own hurt feelings, and tried to get the emotion I'd seen
back.
"I needed to stay close to see if you'd be all right, concussions are
serious business, if you hit trouble I had to be close enough to sense it,
okay?" He looked at me as though he didn't buy it, but I didn't care. "Now,
you mind telling me why you're taking swings at me in your sleep?"
He looked at me, but at the same time right through me. I could tell he
was trying to weigh the pros and cons of telling me what had the ability to
scare Heero Yuy. "I dreamt about the mission," he said suddenly.
I took a deep breath, and did my best to be the friend I always claimed
to be. "Only this time, you didn't save her?"
He nodded, closing his eyes against the images that came with such
thoughts. Quickly, he schooled his features, I could almost see him blocking
out his fear. Even though my heart was wallowing in jealousy, I still needed
to comfort him. "It's okay, Heero. Losing someone you love would frighten
anyone."
He looked up at me, a question in his eyes. I waited with every breath,
every bone in body for him to ask a question that would convince me he
doesn't love her. I get only silence. It's late, and I decide I don't want to
dwell on heartache any longer. Without another word, I started to slide off
the bed.
"You don't have to go," he said. I could have slapped him, anyone who's
ever had to deal with a lover giving off mixed signals will understand why.
"No," I said with a cold chuckle. "You're alright. Anyone who can hit
that hard has got to be healthy." If I had stayed I would have put my arms
around him. But I knew I couldn't deal with any real rejection tonight.
I flopped onto my bed and almost started laughing at myself. Heero didn't
love me, I wasn't sure he loved Relena, either, but it was plain to see he
was heading that way. I loved him too much to cheat him of the one thing he
truly desired. I was wrong, morning hadn't brought consequences, it had
brought revelations.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Two