BREAKING THE BAD NEWS
The result was a surprise to all of us: a tumor about the size of a golf ball was was found in thalamus. I took the MRI film to consult another neuro-surgical doctor. He gave me three options:

The first option seemed to be the safest in term of the risk of the treatment itself. However, to me, it was hardly acceptable because the tumor might go wrong anytime and I could not just sit and wait until in went wrong. Now I knew it was there, I had to do something to deal with it!

At first glance, the second choice seemed to be the best answer then. However, the risk was that if the tumor bled inside the skull during the operation, it could be fatal because it was difficult to stop the bleeding as the hole would be very small.

At last, I told my neurosurgeon that I would go for the craniotomy. Then, I asked him about the risk. He told me that the worst scenario was losing the complete function of my left body as the tumor was at the right hemisphere. He continued to tell me my left hand might encounter difficulties picking up new or delicate skills in future. Immediately, I couldn't help but worrying if I could still play the piano and basketball, two
of my favorite hobbies, after the operation.

BEFORE THE OPERATION
There were weeks before the operation. I tried my best to get hold of all the available information regarding brain tumor and brain surgery. At the same time, I kneeled in front of the Lord to pray everyday. I didn't pray for full recovery as I didn't know if it's His Will, but I did ask for comfort and peace especially for my mother because I knew she had suffered more than I. As patients always had the painkillers but the family members who were around the patient had nothing but a broken heart. Many people had asked me not to have the operation. They told me terrible stories of those who had the surgical procedure failed. I remembered that I had tried to comfort my mother by telling her that I had made good use of my past years and it is the Lord who hold my future. I would continue to make good use of my body no matter how much function I still have after the operation. I have no regret for the past and the future.

But her eyes told me she was still denying the whole thing. She simply could not accept that i was going to have the brain surgery. I remembered one evening, we were sitting together in her room and I told her, "We were once together in the middle of the intersection. It is not easy, but I finally made a choice and started to walk in this way. But while I am walking, I find that I am indeed on my own. I turn around, and
then I notice you are still standing there, looking around, dare not to take a step forward. Don't you know that I need you to be with me to walk through this difficult path? Don't worry, just come with me and we will go through it together and I am sure the Lord will be with us too!"

The night before the operation, I was sitting on the bed at the hospital. Mother was resting next to me. Right before going to sleep, I opened the Bible, trying to turn to Psalm 139 for comfort and help. Then, I found Psalm 138 next to it. I had absolutely no idea what Psalm 138 was about, but I read it together with Psalm 139 anyway. 

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,
with your right hand you save me.
The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me.... Psalm 138:7-8

I knew it was the Words for me and I found the promise of the Lord inside. I said a prayer and then I fell asleep very soon until my mother woke me up in the early morning the following day. I shared this Psalm and His promise with my mom, and then I held her hands and prayed with her in the name of Jesus Christ.

RECOVERING FROM OPERATION

Hours after the operation, I opened my eyes finding myself in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU). Twenty-four hours later, I returned to the general ward. My doctor came to me and he asked if I could read the headline of the newspaper. It was the first time I put on my glasses after the operation, but I simply could not find the headline even though I could read the Chinese characters clearly. How strange! It was obvious that
there was something wrong with my eyes or my brain. Later on, I went to the chapel to try playing the piano. It was so disappointing as I could not do it correctly. Then, I tried closing my eyes and playing one of my favorite hymns by heart. Surprisingly, I could make it this time! I played again and again and the tears just trickled down my cheeks while I was playing the song until the nurse stopped me for fear that I would be getting too emotional.


RADIATION THERAPY
The biopsy result showed that it was a Grade II Astrocytoma. In other words, it was a malignant tumor and my doctor advised me to continue with radiation therapy (RT). Over a four-week period, I received 20 sessions of standard RT. My mother was still working as a nurse. Everyday she rushed back home to drive me to the hospital throughout the whole month. My hair started to fall off again and I lost my appetite rapidly. There were times I could not even look at the delicious dishes prepared by my mother because whenever I saw the meat or the oily food, I wanted to vomit. Everyday I spent at least 12 hours in bed sleeping. My body seemed not to belong to myself and I thought I had lost my mind. The prescribed steriods I was taking helped prevent epilepsy but it also slowed down my response and made me look puffy and silly at the same time. 

After the conventional radiation treatment, I was admitted to the hospital again to receive the fractionated stereotactic radiation therapy. Therefore, the position must be accurately located and the best reference for fixing the position would be the bone or the skull. My doctor screwed a round metallic attachment around my head to act as the reference. The way to put on this metal "frame" was simple and straight forward. All you needed were four syringes with anesthesia and nails. I was the first patient in Baptist Hospital who was going to wear this frame for three days and two nights. 

In the past, patients only did the beaming once, so they would put the frame on in the morning and take it off in the evening. But this time, the doctor wanted to do it three times because he believed it would be more effective this way. So, I needed to make friend with this frame for a longer period of time. The doctor did give me an option which was to remove the frame at night and put it on again in the morning. However, I thought this was not a good idea at all because my skull would be screwed for three more times. I remember the first evening I had the frame with me, it was extremely painful. The nails which held the metal bar in position were like four hammers pressing towards each other, just to crash my head into pieces. At last, the doctor gave me a heavy dose of morphine to end the story of the day!

I was very thankful because when I opened my eyes, it was already in the late morning of the next day. However, I still had another twenty-four hours to go! I spent the following day and night with my mother in the hospital. Somehow the frame seemed to have become part of my body and I took pills every four hours to ease the pain.

Time was passing slowly. I wished the sun would have gone down faster! When the night actually arrived, I started to worry if I could fall asleep with the frame at night. I did not want to become a drug addict, but without morphine, could I go to sleep at all?

The doctor and my mom used several towels to rest my head in a more comfortable position. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. The next moment when I opened my eyes again, I was in total darkness. It was in the middle of the night. I could not move at all with the cage and towels around my head and I did not want to wake up my mom so I just lay still in bed, pondering how I could while away the rest of the night. Idid not
know what happened then, but when I opened my eyes again, I was more than happy to know that it was already the next morning. I almost could not believe I could actually go through it! It was time for me to have the frame be taken off, but of course that was not the end of the story!

THE PROCESS OF REHABILITATION
The following year was a slow (in my perspective) yet rapid (to my occupational therapist) process of rehabilitation. I started with my eyes not able to find the headline in the newspaper and my hands not able to play the piano. Indeed, I could not read at all because my eyes failed to find the next line or the next page while I was reading the words. I also failed to grasp my toothbrush because the exact problem that I was encountering was the failure in eye-hand coordination. Actually, it explained why I could only play the piano without looking at the keyboard. At the same time, I also failed to count things or read numbers such as those with many zeros. I could not even do simple summation or subtraction. Yet, I would feel funny when I went to visit the real estate agent because the price tag of a three million dollar apartment would
appear tome as only three hundred thousand. I also failed to find the midpoint of a line nor compare the length of lines. It was not until then did I realize it was an extremely complicated process for us to be able to read or to get something. I had taken for granted about what I was capable of doing for the past decades!

Despite all the handicaps, I continued to practise and try things that I still could do. Instead of reading articles in the newspaper, I read the pictures, comics, or advertisement. Instead of doing calculation of three-digit numbers, I tried to sum the one-digit. Instead of reading the complicated music scored, I only play simple piano accompaniment in church. I didn't blame anyone, but I believe I should make good use of what the Lord has given me.

Months later, I still had the puffy face and almost bald head, but I had finally got rid of all the pills. I still did not have a normal appetite but I started to love some of the food. By the time I received the cassette tapes of the New Testament from my friends in the States, I could almost pick up half of my reading ability.

Another few months passed by, the progress was promising. I know I can never recover completely. I can no longer play the piano as good as before nor read books as fast as before, but I am thankful that the Lord has given me another chance to taste the life again.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST
As you may notice, this is not a testimony of miraculous healing. There is no miracle in this story but real experience of life. The tumor is still there and I am a cancer patient for the rest of my life. But I am thankful because the Lord has been faithful and He walked with me throughout the death valley. He did not promise me a smooth and suffering-free journey, but He has promised me that He would be with us throughout difficult times.