December 13, 2002
Transcribed by: Bob Pinter
Coded by: Puck

Kornheiser, Wilbon Wrap Up PWFFL Season

ESPN'S TONY KORNHEISER: Welcome to another edition of PTI, boys and girls, this is where we break down everything that is sports, and today, we'll be talking about the end of the regular season for the PWFFL, the Puck's World Fantasy Football League.

ESPN'S MICHAEL WILBON: Fantasy Football???!!! Why the heck are we talking about Fantasy Football??!! Do we have nothing else to do???!!!

TK: Shut up, you fat, bald oaf, and let's get to our first segment, "Toss-Up." This is where we debate two different items in sports, given to us by our producer over the loudspeaker.

PRODUCER: Toss-Up, who was the PWFFL MVP...Priest Holmes or Rich Gannon?

MW: Hands down, Priest Holmes. Proved that last year was not a fluke. He was MY MVP.

TK: Please! The only reason why Priest Holmes scored all those points is because the Chiefs ran up the score the last two weeks in a row. Who means more to his team than Gannon does to the Raiders?

MW: Hey, you bald idiot, this is the FANTASY MVP. Priest Holmes scored like 300 points. Next question.

P: Toss-Up, who was the PWFFL Rookie of the Year...Clinton Portis or Joey Harrington?

TK: WHAT??!! This is like asking which member of N' Sync is the best. I pick Portis.

MW: WHO??!! What the hell is N' Sync???

TK: It's, uh, I don't know. Pick someone, Portis or Harrington?

MW: Portis meant more to West Palm Beach than Harrington meant to Green Bay.

P: Toss-Up, which team had the best General Manager? Detroit or England?

MW: Bob Pinter, Detroit Drive, he drafted Mike Vick AND Drew Bledsoe on the same team! The guy's a genius!

TK: So how come he couldn't beat England, you moron?

MW: You're actually picking England over Detroit for GM of the year? Are you high???

TK: England went 2-0 against Detroit this year!

MW: Who cares??!! It's ENGLAND!!! They probably thought they were playing Fantasy SOCCER!!!

TK: You're an idiot, next question.

P: Last one, Toss-Up, which team had the Coach of the Year...Wisconsin or Rhode Island?

MW: This is a no-brainer. Rhode Island had the better record, that's my Coach of the Year.

TK: So Wisconsin loses the last game of the year, and that wipes out everything Sue has done this year??

MW: Yes! She can't get it done when it counts!

TK: Never mind she practically blew everyone else out in the previous 13 weeks??!!!

MW: She couldn't beat Kalamazoo, she TIED Rhode Island...!!!

TK: You just don't want to vote for a woman!!! You're sexist!!!

MW: While my old, bald partner pulls his head out of his butt, we'll go to our next segment, called "Role Play," or as Tony likes to call it...

TK: HEADS ON STICKS!!! I'll start. Who do I have?

MW: Okay...Tony, you are Seattle Slimy Slugs owner Jabin. Why did you not make the playoffs this year?

TK (as Jabin): Because my team SUCKS, that's why! I have no quarterback, all of my best players were on crutches, and I REALLY have no quarterback!!!

MW: Can you get back in next year?

TK: Oh yeah, I have won two out of the last three Puck Bowls, I will be back.

MW: PUCK BOWL???!!! What the heck is the PUCK BOWL???!!!

TK: Shut up and take your stick...okay, Michael is Marvin Harrison. Do you feel shortchanged because you scored the second-most fantasy points ever in a season, and you're being overshadowed by Priest Holmes and Rich Gannon?

MW (as Marvin Harrison): Yes. I set a fantasy record for wide receivers, and the only reason why I didn't get more attention is because my idiot owner didn't make the playoffs.

TK: Wait, there were records set for three different positions for the season, Shaun Alexander, Trent Green, Tony Gonzalez, and the Falcons Defense all set records for the week, and you think you're being overshadowed?

MW: You bet I am! I am Marvin Freaking Harrison!

TK: Next one! Who am I?

MW: Okay...Tony, you are Rocko Bengals owner Willa. How does it feel to be seven years old and in the playoffs?

TK (as Willa): Well, considering I still need a pass to get out of math class, it feels pretty good.

MW: Okay, in our last segment, I pull out the big board and Tony tries to guess how I will rank the top 5 teams in the PWFFL. And if Tony gets less than 4 right, he has to wear the lady wig for the rest of the show.

TK: Okay, I'm just going to say, if you don't rank them in this order, you are an IDIOT!!! Five, Seattle! Four, Wisconsin! Three, Rocko! Two, Kalamazoo! One, Rhode Island! Let's see 'em!

MW: Okay, first of all, YOU are the idiot, because my #5 team is Detroit!

TK: Why are you back on Detroit??!!! You know Eminem's from Detroit??

MW: Yeah, and Eminem is my BOY!!! Number 4, Seattle!!! It was a fluke that they didn't make the playoffs!!!

TK: No, it was a case of NO QUARTERBACK! You're a moron!

MW: Shut up, this is my turn! Number 3, Kalamazoo! Scored almost 1500 points and won 10 games!

TK: Yeah, but their mascot is a big VIKING!!!

MW: You are BRAIN DEAD!!! Number 2, Rocko! How else do you explain a seven-year-old going 10-and-4?

TK: She got lucky! What's your number one team, ENGLAND???!!!!

MW: NO, because England isn't even on the same CONTINENT!!!

TK: So? What are you now, some kind of patriot all of a sudden???

MW: Shut up! My Number One Team is WISCONSIN!!! You have to wear the blond wig!!! Put it on!!!

TK: Sorry, we're out of time, so let's go to Stat Boy and see what we got wrong.

STAT BOY: Well, first of all, Priest Holmes scored 302 points this year to lead all players. Detroit had 3239 points, England's GM was second with 2799. Wisconsin's coach had the most points with 951. And Kalamazoo scored 1462 points, not 1500. The Puck Bowl is the Super Bowl of the PWFFL, and N' Sync is a band.

TK: Thanks, Stat Boy. Big Finish, who wins the Puck Bowl this year?

MW: Wisconsin over Rocko, who upsets Kalamazoo in the first round! (really loud buzzer sounds)

TK: Thanks, kids, we'll try to do better next time.