Dragonball: The Magic Begins
Open with Jade's father accepting the holy task of safeguarding the dragon pearl that has brought their village years of peace and prosperity. Not certain how you feel about it, but worshipping something that looks like a knickknack you might find in a dollar store is not my bag. The ceremony has just started when King Horn's troops attack. Thatch huts explode in spectacular fireballs as close air support covers the ground troops' advance. What sort of military objective is a hut made from dried reeds anyway? Geez! Predictably, the warlord marches in and demands the dragon pearl, then kills everyone when they try to resist. Jade hearkens to the creed of Sir Robin and wisely decides to run away.
Cut to Monkey Boy being tested by his grandfather. The old man worries that some evil force might try to steal their dragon pearl (foreshadowing: heavy art thou hands). Only through perfection of their martial arts can its safety be guaranteed. Indeed, the young warrior proves adept at fighting, especially when using the magic pole that can change size on command. Monkey Boy loses the competition though and is sent to find dinner; he is arguing with Seetoe while gramps is getting the bejeezus beaten out of him by Zebrata and Malila. The two kids arrive long after the bad guys have left. Grandpa and his sacred dragon pearl are nowhere to be found.
Notice that the Goku proxy character is fighting machine guns with kung fu. He learns quickly that being peppered with lead projectiles of varying sizes, traveling at supersonic speeds, is painful. Not lethal, but painful. After the first few times, Monkey Boy begins using his magic pole as a spinning shield against ballistic attacks. It works, so what can I say?
We are missing a few characters at this point. In quick succession Piggy (briefly disguised as an aborigine), Jade, and Westwood are bundled on. I'm not even going to mention that annoying parrot. Westwood is made more endearing by being scared to death of pretty girls and Seetoe immediately develops a crush on him. This allows for all sorts of levity as he tries to fight with Monkey Boy, but the young lady keeps causing distractions. Eventually Westwood just gives up and flees.
The group, minus Westwood who is sulking, decides to find the Turtle Man and ask for his help. Well, the hermit's house is on a small desert island - they got something right there. However, the ludicrous musical dance he performs when summoning the magic cloud is not to be missed. It comes complete with the old master ordering the cloud to find "pretty girls" and being dumped on his keister. Westwood preceded the others to fabricate a story about someone coming to challenge the Turtle Man. When the group arrives it takes no small amount of time to sort things out. Finally they finish fighting and arguing, just in time for Zebrata and Malila to show up with their air support (hmmm... ...the aircraft looks like half of a cloud car). The evil guys destroy most of the island and take the three dragon pearls.
Did I forget to mention that every major character possessed a dragon pearl when the movie began? Oh yes. Jade (well, it was her dad's), King Horn, Monkey Boy and grandfather, Westwood, Turtle Man, Seetoe, and Piggy are all the proud owners of cheap baubles with stars scratched onto them. At this point the Pig-Headed Wizard reveals to the others his dragon pearl, because he believes "the time is right." Hello? Idiot? They have lost every other one that fate had blessed them with! What is this boy thinking?
A desperate plan is hatched to defeat King Horn and his army. Piggy dresses up like Rambo (boy, didn't need to see that) and leads the assault on Jade's village, now the bad guy's base of operations. There is a large volume of gunfire and a lot of explosions; you will be surprised to see Horn's standard troops killed by the dozens. Many are mowed down by machine guns, with the others largely casualties of Turtle Man's energy blasts. Monkey Boy and Westwood pick off a few stragglers with their melee weapons. It is probably more believable than the Sayans using superhuman powers to dispatch the evil Army, but I wanted to see bone-breaking kung fu and people powering up!
King Horn appraises the situation before joining the fray, wisely planning ahead in case the good guys get the upper hand. He tries bartering with Monkey Boy's grandfather for starters, but that doesn't work so he punts the old geezer and summons the dead townsfolk to attack. The heroes are unable to bring themselves to fight against the innocent zombies! Only Monkey Boy's courageous charge, skimming the crowd on his magic cloud, causes the overlord to lose control of his puppets. Meanwhile, Grandpa and Turtle Man deduce that the six dragon pearls are in King Horn's stomach. With Monkey Boy's help they ram the seventh down his gullet; the dragon spontaneously generates inside the poor man's stomach and that spells death. |
