Pete and Tim's page for Jerks and their Mothers
(Moron's guide to acting)

First, you need to realize acting is not as easy as it looks. It takes years and years of schooling, years and years of playing bit parts, and years and years of plastic surgery and drastic dieting. But we here at Pete and Tim's acting for Jerks have a few short cuts.



1. Sometimes, on T.V., you see actors expressing emotions. This is called "living in the moment", and it is a very difficult thing to do. For example, if a mad man was about to kill you,  as an actor you would be expected to either get real mad, or cry like a little girl who just pooed herself like a jerk. As I said before, this takes practice... but you can get around this. How, you ask? Swearing! Oh yes, swearing is a way to get out of acting. Instead of getting mad, or scared when a mad man attempts to mow you down just scream "F*ck, I'm being F*cking mowed down like the  F*cking F*ck that I am". Four F*cks, now that's good acting.

2. Most actors are expected to be sexy. By sexy I mean super, real, geneticaly superior, sexy. That means that most of you out there are disqualified from acting, right? No it doesn't! There are plenty of roles you can take. Ask yourself, was the actor who played swamp thing sexy? No he wasn't. Was the actor who played the T-Rex in Jurrasic Park sexy? Hell no, he was a freak! Was the actor who played Rambo sexy? Well, yeah, but he's a bad example. The point I'm trying to make is that there are plenty of acting jobs for you geneticaly inferior people out there.

3. Porn!

4. Get a manager. A good manger could sell the Elephant man to a producer. Don't make the mistake that many young actors make by hiring family to represent you. Your family has seen you at your worst. They know every bad thing about you. Don't think these terrible things wont slip out of their mouths in a meeting with producers.
Your Mom (representing you): "My son would be perfect for that part. He's quite the little actor. In fact, he once convinced this little 16 year old girl that it would be a good idea to have sex with him even though he was 25. He's just that convincing!"
Producer: "I don't think your son is what we here as Disney want."
You: "Hey Mom, way to go." 
See? It's never a good idea to have family represent you.

5. Start small. You need to get your face out there so that people will get used to seeing it. Sure, at first there will be gasps and shreeks, but soon the public will get used to seeing your geneticaly inferior mug. Once that happens it's time for a sitcom.

6. Now you've made it. It is now time to use your power and influence and  give back to the people. You owe us 50 bucks.