1. Have everyone refer to you as "Fattie McEatery"
2. Tell yourself twice a day that you really should turn off "Springer" and go for a run. (But don't go for a run. I mean, it's "Springer"!)
3. Tighten that belt one notch every day, even if it pinches your skin.
4. Instead of just resting your foot on the gas as you drive to "Jack in the Box" pump your foot up and down to the beat of "Born to be Wild".
5. Instead of breathing every once in a while while you eat, breath A LOT. This makes eating an aerobic exercise. Plus having someone give you CPR after you die of choking burns calories. It may also make you throw up.
6. If you think you need to poop then poop. Don't just hold it in. Pooping sheds pounds.
7. Instead of eating three HUGE meals a day, eat one GIGANTIC one. Call it 'The Hungry Man Meal'.
8. If you can't do step seven try thinking of meal time in a different way. When you eat breakfast, think, "I'm eating breakFAST.". Focus on the fasting part of Breakfast. At lunch time think, "Boy, I really am fat.". This will help lower your self-esteem. And at dinner think, "I'm eating like a pig.". Now you should be mentaly ready for step 9.
9. Killing yourself slowly. You hate yourself, right? So why not kill yourself slowly and painfully, by starvation. This is the key step in the Moron's Guide to Losing Weight. In a few weeks you'll be skinny again.
You've made it! You are now a thinner healthier you, with stretch marks and dangling arm skin. We are glad we could help.