Absolute Moron's Guide To Being a Superhero
(By Aaron)
1) Buy a nice set of tights, a cape, a cod piece, and a cool mask (you may only need glasses without any lenses in them if you are really powerful)
2) Now you are going to need a good name. In order to find one I suggest opening the dictionary to a random page and pointing at a word, then either put "Captain" or "Super" in front of said word (some of you may find that having a three word name works better). Here are some of my results: "Captain Pinkroot", "Super Pampa", and "Captain Execrate Quenelle". Names like these will get you the true respect that you deserve.
3) Now it's time to get a super power! The most common way to do this is to be an alien (From another planet, not Canada... We know what you were thinking) or become geneticaly mutated. Assuming you are from earth your only option is mutation. The best, and quickest, way to be mutated is to be radiated. I suggest moving to Bikini Island and living there fo a while. Sure, you may start loosing your hair, and teeth, and finger nails, but when you're a superhero who will make fun of you? I mean, you're "Captain Pinkroot".
4) So, you are dressed up, you have a good name, and you have super powers. Now it is time for you to choose a city to protect. It needs to be a large city, lots of darkness, and you need to be personal friends with all the city officials. In addition, the city needs to have some stupid name that makes it sound really dark. Like Darksville, Nighttown, Compton, Hell, or Sam's All You Can Eat Buffet Town Of Eternal Death And Bloating!.
5) You are nearly a superhero now. All you need is an Archnemesis. This Archnemesis has to be someone who delt you a horrible pain as a child (Maybe he called you "Fatty Boombolaty", or told all the girls in your first grade class that you had herpes and you were never able to live that rumor down, and even though you have superpowers you still can't have sex because everyone thinks you got your super powers from the herpes, and instead of calling you "Captain Pinkroot" people call you "Captain Herpes". Just an idea.) and is now trying to conquer the world. Don't worry too much about this one. If you are around the age of sixteen or younger just e-mail me. I am willing to help you out a bit. Tell me where you live and I'll head down there and tell everyone I meet that you have herpes. Don't thank me. I just want to have a reason to take over the world.
6) All that is left is for you to kill a bunch of my inept minions as you destroy my plans for world domination. Here is a little hint, 'cause I can tell you need one, my code name is "Mr. Bean". Get to it already, try and kill me.