Pete and Tim's page for Jerks and their Mothers
(Moron's Guide to Getting IT On)
Ok, ok... this guide is not for the ladies. It will be written for men, by men. "Why", you ask. Let's face it, women are born with some innate idea of what sex is and how it should be. Guys, on the other hand, are like little puppies. They dart from leg to leg thrusting their over excited pelvis in all directions. This, of course, pleases no one. Well, except for the guy. This morons guide it writen for the guys who just don't have a clue.
1. Preparation: Sex is not something you should do on a whim. You need to prepare. I suggest buying a few movies: anything with Jenna Jamison, "Bikini Car Wash 2", and Doctor Ruth's "So You Wanna Have Sex, But Not With Me". Also, read up on the subject. Book's like "Birds an the Bees" and "Mommy, What's a Vagina" should do nicely. You should prepare at least until you're 18.

2. Knowing who's right for your first time: This is a tough one. Some may say that the right girl is the beautiful girl. Some say that it's right if you feel it's right. I say get a hooker. I should explain. No matter how much you prepare you WILL be god awful your first time. If you care about  the person you're having sex with you'll be twice as god awful. Facts are facts. You don't want to be god awful with someone you love. So, get a hooker. Have her give you some tips. Take your time and get some feedback. It'll be worth the dollars.

3. When is the right time: This one is real easy. It's the right time when she says it's the right time. Women know these things. I don't understand it, and neither will you. Just be patient. Here's a tip: gifts seem to help make it the right time sooner.

4. Protection: When the right time comes you need to be prepared. By prepared I mean that you need to know what a condom is. A condom is not a balloon, and a ballon is not a condom! I can not stress this enough. Do not confuse the two. You can find condoms pretty much anywhere, because that's where women put them. They're in gas stations, resturaunts, doctor's offices, bathrooms, ect. I can't go two feet without seeing a condom. So get some condoms and become familiar with their use. There are instructions on the package.

5. So you're having sex: You are going to be an emotional wreck at this stage. A real mess. It's going to be tough to keep what I will be telling you next in the back of your mind, but you must. My advice: Take it slow, Talk, And try not to be a spaz. It is so hard for a guy to not be a total spaz in the sack. It is going to take discipline. It is going to take endurance. It is going to be nearly impossible.

6. So you were a total spaz: It's ok. Even Navy Seals are total spazes when it comes to sex. Women know this, but I still think you should apologize. Make sure she knows how much you worked for this moment, I mean 18 years of your life! Remember: You did all you could. You are not a sex machine, you are just a man. Oh, and don't tell her about the hooker.
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