Absolute Moron's Guide to
Hair Loss
Hair loss can lead to a difficult time in a man or woman's life (preferably a man's life, 'cause it's really gross in women), so we here at Pete and Tim's etc. etc. have decided to give you some helpful hints on how to deal with this tragic affliction.
1. Try paint! And I don't mean that "hair in a bottle" infomercial junk that makes you look like a trashy gigalo, either. I'm talking about thick, lavish, MANLY paint. The kind of paint that makes people say, "Hey! What's that guy doing with three inches of interior paint on his scalp?"
2. When the paint peels off, try grass! I figured this one out by watching that looney tunes episode where Elmer Fudd tries to get a haircut (which is funny by itself), and then Bugs Bunny does the Barber of Seville bit, and puts some grass and some fertilizer on Elmer's head. That one always cracks me up! Hare loss! Get it?! Hare loss!!
3. After these two attempts fail, try hiding your hair loss with the highy under-rated comb-over. This comb-over has worked for highly respected professionals like politicians, televangelists, and stereotyped used-car salesmen, and now you can make it work for YOU! Just take what pathetic amount of hair you have left, and sweep it over the bald spot! Like magic, people will think you're a whole new person. Get ready for comments like, "Say, that new hairstyle is.... interesting!" and "You know, I can hardly even tell that you combed your thin side-hair over your bald spot! No, really! Come back for tomorrow's underwear photo shoot... I want to try some really "classy" nudes for the next cover."
4. Feel demoralized? Don't! That's the kind of attitude people WITH hair are supposed to have. But if you still want to get that "demoralized" feeling without all the messy strands of hair to keep track of, try a dominatrix! She will only provide temporarily relief from your condition, though. That is, until you try...
5. Glue. That's right--glue. Seems simple, doesn't it? The glue choice is clearly superior to tape (doesn't last) and staples (ouch!). Glue fits easily into most discrete carry-along bottles, and glue can quickly give the impression of white hair. I mean, not really nice white hair... In fact it kind of looks flaky and crusty. People might point and mention "Head and Shoulders" casually in conversations more often, but that's a small price to pay for the rewards of semi-realistic hair.
6. If all the above attempts fail, you could take the patented "Mr. Rogers" approach and just resign yourself to your fate. After all, it's what's on the inside that counts, and not whether the opposite sex will ever look at you again, right? Sure it is. When this doesn't work, it's time to try out...
7. Buy a hat. This is the ultimate weapon against hair-loss. People have been using hats to cover unsightly hairloss for years! I'm sure it will work for you just a well.
This guy's wearing a hat... why shouldn't you? There's no way you could look as stupid as him, right?