Absolute Moron's Guide To Driving
1. Take a good look at old Merel. See that? See how Merel drives? Well, step one is to forget that! Don't drive like Merel. Merel is old. And ugly. And dead. Don't drive like an old, ugly, dead man! Pete and I hate people who drive like that.
2. Get a car. And not one of those wussy cars either. Get a '79 volvo stationwagon. That's a man's car. It could be a woman's car too. What do I know? Nothing, that's what. Hey, it's Pete. I just wanted to point out that a '78 Pontiac Grand Prix with broken windows and handles works just as well. So there. Ptttthbt.
3. Now get into your large, manly volvo wagon. Put the key into the ignition (its the hole you'll find in the steering column). Turn it toward the dash. Feel that hum? No? That's because you bought a broken car. Yeah, it's busted.
4. Get a new car. (Sorry about the bad advice I gave in step 2)
5. Repeat step 3. Now do you feel that hum?
6. Alright, now it's time to shift this bad boy into reverse. I'm guessing you bought automatic. There should be a postie looking thing sticking out of the deally that keeps your steering wheel from falling into your lap. Yank on that until you see the letter R highlighted in red.
7. Hit the gas. The gas pedal is the one all the way on the right. Yes, that's it.
8. Ok, now try the brake. It's the pedal that sits just left of the gas.
9. Now it's time to drive! Put on your "New Moron Driver. LOOK OUT!" Bumper sticker that came with this "How To" package.
10. Wiggle that postie thing until you see the letter D highlighted in red.
11. Lightly press the gas pedal.
12. Turning consists of turning that wheel in front of you in the same direction you want to turn. So if you want to turn right, turn the "steering wheel" to the right.
13. Red signs and Red lights mean STOP! Green lights mean GO! And Yellow lights mean LOOK AROUND FOR COPS, THEN PUNCH IT( "it" as in the gas pedal)!
14. If another driver gets in your way, or makes you mad, or calls you a little girly man with no facial hair... it is NOT customary to ram him with your car. It IS customary to show him your happy finger puppet as you pass him. Also maybe throw in some dirty looks, and loud obscenities.
15. If you own a small, yippy dog and feel it needs to go with you everywhere, fine. Just remember that a car is a great place to store dogs while you're shopping. Just let the little bastard wait in the car.
16. And please, for my sake, if you have to get out of your car and you must leave your baby sitting there in her car seat at least leave the keys in the car so that your baby can make a quick get away in case of danger.