| Absolute Moron's Guide to Dating (for Christians) |
| Fighting the Godly fight for our eternal purity is hard these days, brethren (not as hard as most of our heathen brothers, slipping their Satan-stained fingers into their undies at every batted eyelash), and Tim and Pete understand your pain. Tim and I have pooled our dating tips from some of the holiest of scholars, teachers, and sexual deviance counselors to bring you this concise, essential schedule for sexual healing. |
| Tip 1: When you feel the "urges," go running! This is how Jackie Joyner Kersey got her start. She used to wait tables at an all-male nude review in Boise and, as she wrote in her best-selling autobiography, "I was buying batteries three, maybe four times a day, if you catch my drift." But Flo-Jo learned an important lesson of purity; when you are exhausted, you can't make naughty in your pants! Tip 2: You're on a date: you and Roxie are getting along just fine. She agreed to pay for the popcorn (no butter) if you would buy gummy-bears. You did, and you are both getting snuggled into your seats. KEEPING IN MIND THE HOLY 3-FOOT RULE you sit 2 seats apart, but Roxie is giving you some PRETTY fierce stares. You: A: Look past the lame old 3-foot rule, you scootch over just one little seat. After all, one little seat couldn't hurt, could it? B: Think hard about sitting just one seat closer, but remember the holy 3-foot rule and keep your cool and return your focus to the preview: Pipi Longstockings 3: Pips in Paradise. C: Ignore Roxie completely. The correct answer, brethren, is C. A is absolutely of the Devil. Remember, 1 seat can quickly transform into a raunchy lapdance. Besides, it has been scientifically proven that sitting just ONE seat away from someone can cause many diseases and may lead to pregnancy!! (or worse, abortion!) Tip 3: Wear proper clothing. Nothing brings two hot, sticky, unwed fornicators into the sinful bed of desire quicker than tubetops and hotpants! A proper wardrobe should include a knitted sweater, knickerbockers (overalls optional), coveralls, a parka, thick wool mittens (they prevent unrighteous groping!), nice, big, comfy undergarments like Gramma used to wear (long underwear works well), and tube socks. Do NOT wear "teddies," v-neck sweaters, "daisy-dukes," tank-tops, crotchless edible panties, chaps, chains, buckles, snaps, or ANYTHING leather. Keep your clothes holy as the sabbath. Tip 4 (for gentlemen): No stuffing things into the crotch! No socks, no zuccini, no nothing! You got that?? Tip 5 (for the ladies): No stuffing things into the crotch! No phallics, no zuccini, no nothing! You got that?? Tip 6: As your lovely evening comes to its finish, that special Someone will probably feel just as ackward as you (assuming you found a nice, Christian boy or girl. You did, right? Good. Remember: Satan disguises himself as Jews and Muslims). It is normal to feel aprehensive about those final good-nights. But remember that a good, friendly handshake is pushing the date TOO FAR. Physical contact can quickly deteriorate into a simmering festival of lust-fueled deviance! A simple good-bye wave should suffice (and keeps that special Someone curious until the wedding night!) |