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| Pete and Tim's page for Jerks and their Mothers (Why Die?) |
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| There are many people out there giving the advice, "Live each day as if it would be your last, 'cause hey, it could be, man. You know?'. But if you did that, you'd probably wake up extra-early each morning, make some funeral arrangements, say goodbye to your loved-ones, and await the inevitable. I am not one of these people. Oh no. My advice would be, "read this amazing book and LIVE for EVER. Serious.". But I'm getting way ahead of myself. There are nearly 8 billion ways to die, and according to some, only one way to live. Let me do the math here... that means everyday you live there is an 8 billion to one chance that you will die!!! I, personaly, have lived 8030 days and happily still have not died. Does that make me an expert at avoiding death? You bet, but I am treading piranha infested water here, and I would guess that you are too. This is why I just had to find out what this book had to say. Herb's advice: become one of the undead. Sadly for us mere mortals, there aren't too many guides out there who can lead us into a life of un-death. Fortunately history has given us a few models, such as vampires, zombies, and Dick Clark. Using these leaders as sojourns into the infinite future, Tim and Pete will now display the glory of the undead through poetry (Original and Discovered). Why poetry? Poetry is the window to the soul. So, read a little poetry and find the window to your soul. Now open that window and take that soul outta there! There, now you're undead. |
| "I just flew in from Boston, *Hack* *Cough*, and boy am I old. I need to sit down.*Hack* *Hack* Hold my arm up, Milton, so that I may wave at my fans" - Bob Hope As you get older your humor becomes less sophisticated. |
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| Leech AbsinthePoet my lovely leech, my lovely vampire you give me nightmares, you're my fire my lovely devil, my cruel friend what we have is just pretend i live by day and you do by night when you're angry you're not a pretty sight you consume all that your hands can take what you can't have, you will then brake so lovely angel with wings of air so lovely angel of despair let us erase the hurt and hate and start all over, or it'll be late |
| Lethargic Riccardo della Silva She climbs cleansed through my soul She kissed thin glass my screams broke Her lips betray my blood Misplaced for strange wine Her lips taste and turn red Blood red, she swallowed Death As the wine turns oh!, so black As black as my own whole Climbs cleansed through her soul As the kissed glass my screams broke Make her lips betray my blood |
| Vampires Tim Street Holy Crap, Bat-man! Behind you... Vampires... Sexy Vampires. We kicked them in the necks I let loose a wild SMACK Bat-man followd with a loud CRRACK Oh, but those vampires were strong And the fight was so long. Soon my blood was all but sucked away And the female vampires got naked. Vampires are sexy fiends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. |
| Vampires live forever. |
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| The Zombie, or what? John Doe The stars were gone, The night was dark, When something strange took place, I could not quite believe it, There was a gruesome face. I don't believe in zombies, But that is what I saw, A skeleton with corpselike face, I viewed it with awe. It touched me in the soul. A tear came to my eye. Then I tried to hug it. I swear I'm not insane Then the dirty zombie went and ate my brain. |
| Zombies live forever |
| Graveyard Zombie Haji O'Brien We were partying at the graveyard like we do every Saturday night We were partying exceptionally hard Drinking Mad Dog and Milwaukee Light From out in the darkness we heard Sounds from behind a tombstone We thought it was just some birds But who ever heard a bird moan? The hideous creature approached us It was all covered in blood I then looked at my friend Gus He ran but fell in the mud The monster began walking toward me But I couldn't move an inch There were gaping holes in it's body And it had a terrible stench I saw a hatchet buried in it's head It's clothes unfashionable and torn It not only looked like it should be dead It looked like it should've never been born As the horrifying creature approached I stood as brave as a chickenshit could It reached and grabbed me by the throat And said,"You know I don't feel so good I've got worms crawling out of my head and numerous wounds on my torso I just found out that I am dead But what hurts even more so Is that people still drink Old Milwaukee It makes me grateful that I am dead Take a tip from a graveyard zombie Drink Molson Golden Ale instead" |
| Pete's Poem About Zombies The thing about Zombies is that they don't die much, And that's cool with me 'cause I don't wanna die much Either... So since I'll probably die, I wanna meet a nice Zombie girl... That way before I die, I might have a zombie son who can eat people and live for half an infinite life, which would still be infinite. Infinite... |
| Undeadly Pete Schelden The undeadliest thing from all around Makes not an awful crying sound, It sleeps real well And eats good food And sings like hell; He's one bad dude! The undeadliest thing that I can see Is bad and tough, that cat is me! |
| THE ANGEL by Crystal Wilkins He trudges along through the snow, his weary legs keep walking the wind is stinging his old, wrinkled face He looks through a window of a log cabin and sees a family of five sitting at a dinner table, with only food to feed two. He hears their wish, and grants it. Now there is wonderful food to feed them all. He continues to trudge in the snow The bright moon is the only light He sees a shivering pup lying in the snow He picks up the pup and puts it inside his long black coat. The pup immediately stops shivering. He jumps at the sound of a gunshot The hunters are out hunting for dinner The man hears the cries of the animals and saves them all by giving them a safe place to hide in the forest. Though he may not have room in his hands to save everything, but he's got all the room in the world in his heart. This man is invisble to others. He goes around guarding lives. |
| Two Souls United Make One Angel by Gerald England Quietly a hospital lost another patient while a son was being driven to his sick father's side too late It was Sunday but the wrong time of the month and a woman ill at home in bed waited the return of the driver Somewhere in a distant bed the mother of his child was mourning for herself Another mother left her sick child to attend the bereaved on a warm afternoon walk Sympathy saturated souls sought out the threads that bound That afternoon at least one angel was made |
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| Angels live forever |
| Pete's poem about Angels A Rock Medly Earth Angel, Earth Angel, You've got a hub-capped, diamond-star halo... Angel baby, my Angel baby, Cut myself on Angel hair and baby's breath You are an Angel heading for a land of sunshine Est ce que why my Angel eyes aren't there {And here comes the big Stevie Nicks finale} You keep walking down mean streets, street Angel, When you were a homeless Angel Oh, take me sleeping Angel, Catch me when you can, And the haunted song, and the angel of my dreams. The Finish |
| Glorification of the undead is only the beginning here at Jerk and Jerks jerk jerk la dee da... We also hate old people! I mean, not our grandparents or anything, but all of those old people who drive down the fast lane at 4 mph with their blinkers on, complaining about how cold it is in Miami, and whining about the dirty democrats ruining our military. That's the best thing about being undead, you NEVER GET OLD! Think of it; no more Rip Taylor! No more Zsa Zsa Gabor! Goodbye Wilford Brimley! It's HEAVEN, I tell you! |
| Strom Thurmond: "What's my name again?" |
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| "I am not... alive!" -Richard Nixon Looks like you didn't read this book, fool. |
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| Author Herb Bowie greets some of his biggest fans. |
| Winged Heavenly Sluts (Look Out!) By Tim Yo, Yo, Yo! Homie. When I get to heaven you know I'll be gettin' some*. Yea, you know those Angels are ones to give. I'll get me a piece of angel, yea, that's the way to live I'll take that Angel to my mansion And partake in a bit of passion Yo, Yo, Yo! I'll be getting it* for all eternity *Sexual intercourse |
| Do you fully realize what Zombie Herb is offering us here with his guide to living forever? A world free of the aged! It sounds too good to be true, right? Heaven on earth? You're damn strait heaven on earth. Now get this book, read it, and become one of the undead. Tim and Pete did, and look at how far it got them. |
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