 |
| : : : D&D part 3 : : : |
| : : : back home : : : |
| Dumb & Dumber -- part 3 "Are y'all gonna have an Atomic Pepper?" Brian held the jar of jalepeno peppers out to Nick. They were seated at the counter of diner which claimed to have the hottest food east of the Mississippi. "Are you?" Nick returned. "I will if you will." Brian shrugged. He turned to Kevin. "What about you?" "No thanks. I can't - I have an ulcer. It's from living with A.J. - he's a slob..." Kevin continued to talk, even though no one was listening to him. "Y'all go first." Brian told Nick. "No - you first." "No - yew." "GUYS." Kevin interrupted. "Why don't both of you go at the same time, see?" "I don't know..." Nick started. "Sounds like a dare to me." Brian finished. "It's a DOUBLE dare." Kevin glared. Brian and Nick both grabbed a pepper and shoved them in their mouths. "It's not that bad." Brian commented. "Ya." Nick agreed. "It's more, like, ya know, tingly than hot." Brian nodded. "GGGAAAAAAAA!" Nick grabbed his water glass. Brian spit the rest of his pepper out onto the table, grabbed the ketchup bottle and proceeded to squirt it straight into the air - catching it on his tongue. Nick began slapping at his tongue with his hands. "Here!" Brian handed Nick the mustard. "Excuse me, guys." Kevin stood up. "I have to make a phone call." � "They're both idiots." Kevin spoke into the phone. "But, do you have the briefcase and stuff like that?" Howie demanded. "No." Kevin admitted. "I don't have time to talk about this. I have a manicure in one hour." Howie hung up. � Brian arranged the last pepper on Kevin's hamburger and carefully hid it beneath the lettuce and bun. He and Nick both snickered at the thought of Kevin burning his tongue off when he tried to eat his lunch. "Well, guys, feeling better?" Kevin sat down. "Much better." Brian told him. "Eat up!" He hid his mouth behind his hand before he started laughing. "So, you guys are traveling kind of light." Kevin picked up his burger and studied it thoughtfully. "I mean, you just have a couple bags and that... briefcase." "Actually..." Nick said around his burger. "It's not even ours. Some lady, like, ya know, left it at the airport and we're returning it to her." Kevin began to smile. "You're going all the way to Aspen to return her briefcase?" "Well, yeah." Brian rolled his eyes. "It's a sin to steal, y'all know." "How's your burger?" Nick asked. "You don't even know her?" "Nope." Brian smiled. "Her name's MARY." Nick told him. Kevin started laughing at the idea of two idiots traveling almost two thirds of the entire country to return a briefcase. He bit into his burger. Brian and Nick snickered. Kevin started choking and fell off his stool, where he lay on the floor twitching. Brian and Nick jumped down, pointed and started laughing. Kevin began to drool. "Whoa." Nick stared. "Are y'all okay?" Brian asked worriedly. "It was just a joke, man. Do y'all want some ketchup and mustard? That helped us!" "Oh no!" Nick began to whimper. "We didn't mean to!" "Don't worry, y'all!" Brian grabbed Kevin's ankles. "I know CPR!" He shoved in, causing Kevin's legs to bend up next to his chest. Kevin kicked as hard as he could, sending Brian sailing off across the room. Brian pinwheeled back, the blinds from the window wrapped around his arm. "This'll be a lot easier if y'all will just RELAX!" "My pills!" Kevin gasped. Nick pulled a small black bottle from Kevin's pocket. Not bothering to read that it said "rat poison" he began to stuff the pills into Kevin's mouth. "There ya go!" Kevin swallowed the pills. "That's it!" Brian cheered Kevin on. "Pills are good!" Kevin looked up and saw the bottle in Nick's hand. "Son of a...." He gurgled once and lay still. "Ohhhh..." Nick scrunched his face up. Brian glanced up. "CHECK PLEASE!!" � "Wow, like, I'm, ya know, depressed." Nick sighed, once they were back on the road - Kevin in the local morgue. "I killed him." "It was an accident." Brian tried to console him. "He blamed me." Nick nodded. "Ya heard him - those were his last words." "Not if y'all count the gurgle." Brian offered. � ---------------------------------------------------------- � "I'll be right back." Nick hopped out of the car and disappeared around the side of the service station. Brian began to fill the gas tank - all the while watching the attractive girl on the other side of the tank. Noticing the skis on top of her SUV, he came up with a conversation starter. "Skis, huh?" She turned and stared. "Yes?" "Yours?" "Yes?" "Both of 'em?" "YES." "Cool!" Brian concentrated on the gas pump again. Nick proceeded to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and get himself beat senseless in the bathroom. "So, like, then I told myself - he's such a klutz - you have to get away from him." The woman was telling Brian all about her last relationship. She got back in her car. "Could I have y'all's phone number?" Brian asked. "Sure - why not!" She laughed. "You can't be any worse than he was! Um.. you're leaking..." She added. Brian glanced down to see that the gas tank was full and fuel was running down the side of the van and soaking his shoes. "Oh! Thank yew!" She pulled out a cigarette and started to light it. "Here - let me!" Brian fished in his pockets and came up with a book of matches. He lit it and dropped the match to the ground near his feet. There was a bright flash and Brian's Nike Airs ignited. "Here." She started to write down her number. "Wait - what was I thinking... that's my old number..." Brian was beginning to feel warm. He looked down and saw the flames creeping up his legs. "Y'all just tell me - I have an excellent memory for numbers! The last time my cousin called me was April 20, 1993!" "Okay..." She found the number. "It's 555 ...." "555." Brian repeated, beginning to hop up and down. "No..." She stopped again... "That's not it." "WILL Y'ALL JUST GIVE ME THE NUMBER!" Brian screamed. "Well, if you're going to be that way about - you can forget it!" She rolled her window up and drove away, leaving Brian in flames at the gas tank. He ran to the bathroom and put the fire out in the toilet - then noticed Nick curled up in the corner, sucking his thumb. "Nick - are y'all okay?" ---------------------------------------------------------- |
| : : : to part 4 : : : |