With: Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton and Peter Ustinov
Liz Taylor. Is there anything she can't do?
That's a rhetorical question, of course. Time, particularly the period
that followed in the wake of her smash success with Who's Afraid Of
Virginia Woolf?, has proven that there are many, many things she
can't do, thanks to a string of films in which she was grossly miscast.
Too young and obviously healthy to pull off the ageing, terminally ill
dowager in Boom!, too mature to convincingly portray the young
Vegas showgirl in The Only Game In Town; it seems that
Hollywood suddenly lost any and all ability to find appropriate
rôles for the glamourous actress. Heck, even in Ash Wednesday,
in which she was basically playing herself, she seemed wrong.
But if you think those are messed-up, wait till you see Hammersmith
Is Out...in which Liz portrays...Dolly Parton?
The back-story behind the making of this weird one-off project are
almost as intriguing as the film itself. In an eerie parallel to Manos:
The Hands Of Fate, the main financial backing for the project was
trailer-park magnate J. Cornelius Crean, who wanted to make a feature
film. Flashing his money around, he managed to lure Peter Ustinov to
direct and appear in the film* and Hollywood's
most famous couple, Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, to co-star. He was
unable to get his first choice to portray the film's protagonist
(Robert Redford), so he had to settle for Beau Bridges.
Beginning with a completely cheap-looking bumper-logo for J.
Cornelius Crean Productions showing a badly animated crab creeping
across the screen†, we proceed rapidly (and
mercifully) toward an image of moving clouds with the stentorian voice
of Peter Ustinov providing a voice-over:
Again, the Devil taketh him and
showeth him all of the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them,
and saith unto him, «All these things will I give thee, if thou
wilt fall down and worship me.» Then saith he unto Satan,
«It's a deal!»
Then with a thunderclap, we are transported to a mental ward. The
effeminate male nurse in attendance (whom we eventually learn goes by
the name of Oldham) freaks out when a patient (whom Oldham calls
«Cleopatra») shouts, «Hammersmith is out!» With
hands over his ears, Oldham creeps over to the cell where the titular
Hammersmith is confined alone, only to discover that he's safe and
sound, muttering «Get me out of here» in a very familiar,
RSC-trained voice. We don't see his face yet, but it's clearly Richard
Burton as Hammersmith.
On to the opening credits, set to the wonderful period music
(harpsichord, wah-wah guitar and Swingle Singers-styled chorus) of
Dominic Frontiere (probably best-known for his music to TV's «The
Outer Limits»). It's over these credits that we meet our star:
Beau Bridges as Billy Breedlove, another nurse in attendance. It's the
middle of the night and he's just getting up. We get to see white trash
Billy yawn, scratch, pick his nose, put his shirt on and apply Right
Guard™ and Binaca™ (in that order) in preparation for his day.
In the hospital lobby, Billy meets up with Oldham, who is busy working
on his needlepoint. He calls Oldham «Millie,» much to his
consternation, then examines his work and comments, «What's it
say, 'Home Sweet Homo'?»
Oldham counters with, «It's for you. It says 'Go to hell' and I'm
doing it with dirty hands!»
They carry on trading barbs until at last, Billy threatens to go talk
to Hammersmith. Oldham has a fit, saying that listening to Hammersmith
is totally forbidden, and threatens to tell on Billy, then threatens
that he'll break into his room and confiscate all his personal items.
He continues shouting at him irately as Billy races down the stoop and
hops on his motorcycle. Billy puts on his helmet, flips him off and
races away.
As Billy shouts «Yee-haw» while speeding down the highway,
again Peter Ustinov's voice comes on on voice-over, «Thus began
Billy Breedlove, later to be known as William C. Breedlove. Later still
as B.C.B. And later, once again, as Billy Breedlove.»
He arrives at a chintzy road-side coffee shop. Country & Western
music plays. The only other customer is a fat guy who glares at Billy
as he stuffs toast in his face. Then emerging from behind the counter
is none other than Elizabeth Taylor in a Dolly Parton wig and
waitresses' uniform. The character's name is Jimmie Jean Jackson, but
we never believe she's anything other than Liz Taylor in a bad blond
wig and big hoop earrings, in spite of the shrill Southern accent she
affects.
Anyway, Billy and Jimmie Jean flirt with one another over coffee.
Meanwhile, he and the fat guy trade insults as Jimmie Jean serves Fatso
a slice of pie. After he leaves, Billy starts musing on what he'd do if
he had that kind of money. He mentions a specially made car.
«To run the poor people over,» adds Jimmie Jean.
All this chat leads, as all such things eventually must, to hot sex in
the store room among the tomatoes. She makes him say «love»
repeatedly, and we zoom into a Coca-Cola™ sign outside as we hear her
climactic moans.
Afterwards, Billy tucks into a post-coital meal as Jimmie Jean applies
lipstick. The two of them trade sob stories. At last, Billy tells her
to get packed and wait under the bridge, as he has a solution to their
woes.
«Money, honey,» he promises, «We could have
everything we want. We could even have things we don't want!»
«Things we don't want?» shrieks Jimmie Jean in
astonishment, «Wow! Oh, for Christ's sake how?»
This is where Hammersmith comes in. We cut to Billy entering the locked
cell where the strait-jacketed Hammersmith resides. The first words out
of his mouth are, of course, «Get me out!» Billy nervously
offers him a cigarette then, when he refuses, just as nervously takes
one out and lights it for himself.
«Poison,» murmurs Hammersmith portentously as Billy
bumblingly sets the smoke-stick on fire.
Hammersmith promises that he can have anything he wants, if only he is
released tonight.
«What about that?» asks Billy, indicating his
strait-jacket. With which, Hammersmith stands up and swings his arms
apart, releasing himself from his bonds. He promises Billy will be
«rich and strong, strong and rich. Nothing will stop you!»
That night, the alarm goes off. There's a knock on Billy's door, and he
stops packing long enough to make it look as though he'd been relaxing
on his bed the whole time. Oldham bursts in shouting,
«Hammersmith is out! My God, Hammersmith is out, and it's all
your fault!» He immediately lunges forward and starts to attack
Billy. Billy's nose starts bleeding, and the two of them decide to
report to the Doctor, played by Peter Ustinov.
As the Doctor, he affects a comedy Austrian accent. He's reading a book
called «Studies In Anal Retention» as they arrive. He
lectures Billy on the folly of releasing Hammersmith.
«There will be rivers, there will be lakes of
blood!» he shouts, «May your soul shrivel and blacken like
a spider in...I don't know, hell. Worse than that, I cannot think for
the moment.»
Billy farts at him as he leaves. «That, anyone can say,»
responds the doctor.
He then roars up in his motorcycle to the rendezvous place where
Hammersmith and Jimmie Jean are already waiting. Billy warns of cops,
all over the place, but Hammersmith brushes it off as though it were
nothing. Billy worries about his bike, but Hammersmith dismisses it as
a, «toy for a child.» As Billy drags Jimmie Jean on, she
screams, «What, what, WHAT?» just like Kyle's mother from
«South Park.»
They arrive at a drive-in theater, at which point Hammersmith asks
Billy to choose a car. After some waffling, Billy eventually spots the
fat man's car from last night. Jimmie Jean starts having second
thoughts, so Billy tries to placate her fears. They eventually start
making out right there on the gravel. Hammersmith then interrupts them,
handing Billy the fat man's keys and wallet.
Back at a hotel room, Hammersmith tells Jimmie Jean (now wearing a
bright orange peek-a-boo blouse that leaves very little to the
imagination) that she worries too much. She asks him what happened to
the fat man and he simply replies, «He is one with the
ages.» Then he approaches Billy and wraps a tape-measure round
his neck. To measure it, of course, but Billy naturally looks
terrified.
Hammersmith arrives alone at a parking lot. He's observed by a
motorcycle cop, who spots a tie hanging out of the trunk. Hammersmith
rips it off, and we hear the sound of a body going «thump»
very heavily. «They don't make them like they used to,»
says Hammersmith.
The cop examines the shred of tie and comments, «No wonder. Made
in Hong Kong.»
Topicality out of the way, Hammersmith may now proceed into the
gentleman's club. He enters the shower room, where he examines some
men's clothes. He finally finds a suit to his liking, only the owner
arrives, needless to say displeased that he's taking his clothes.
Hammersmith compliments him on his sartorial taste, then asks if he
wears a 16" collar. The man says he does, and Hammersmith promptly
stabs him to death.
«Sshhh!» whispers Hammersmith, «Mustn't disturb
people.» As the man's lifeless body descends to the floor,
Hammersmith removes his large, jewelled pinky ring.
Cut to, tellingly, our first daylight shot. Billy's in the driver's
seat of his fancy new Mercedes-Benz, with Jimmie Jean in the
passenger's seat and Hammersmith in the back. Apparently they have
crossed several state lines by now. As they drive past dried-out
looking fields, one looking much like another, Hammersmith dryly
comments, «This landscape with the aspect of a worn-out carpet is
popularly known as the Land of Enchantment.»
Billy thinks he's all done with Hammersmith, and now just wants to sit
back and enjoy life. He's impressed that he now has «almost a
hundred dollars.» Hammersmith calls it «chicken
feed.» As Billy says, he doesn't like to work, so Hammersmith
suggests he combine business with pleasure. And how does he suggest he
go about that?
With t*ts, of course!
More specifically, with THE T*ts. The very next shot is of a close-up
of a bass drum belonging to the house band of a sleazy nightclub, an
all-woman band in go-go-dancer attire named The T*ts. Hammersmith &
Co. convene with William Scartucci (a far past-peak George Raft in a
cameo rôle), the stereotypical gangster owner of the club.
Hammersmith states that he and his associates would like to buy the
club. He tells them, «Sonofabitch ain't for sale,» until
Billy offers him one million dollars. Then he's all ears. Hammersmith
tells him to meet them with the title deeds, alone.
Scartucci arrives at the appointed time and place in an old-fashioned
open-top car. He tells his driver, «Keep the motor running, I'll
be right down.»
Jeez, think this might be the setup to some kind of gag?
A pan up the side of the tall building offers more setup, as we cut to
an interior shot of Scartucci arriving at a door marked «Billy B
Enterprises.» As he goes through the door, the sign falls off,
revealing that it's actually the men's room. We hear muffled screams,
then cut back to the exterior (oh, just get to it), where Scartucci
lands in the back seat of his own car.
Afterwards, Billy of course is living it up, having a grand old time
drinking and ogling women.
«I never seen anything like it,» he says of a topless
dancer with a snake, «Have you?»
«Yes, one of the first things I remember was a...lady with a
snake,» responds Hammersmith, as he fondles an apple.
He then tells Billy that there's no future here, and that he must
become an executive with a computer in his office. Billy's not sure at
first, but then he starts getting into it. Jimmie Jean comments that
she thinks they're both getting carried away.
«What did you say?» asks Hammersmith intensely, as he gives
her a piercing stare. Rather than answering him, she merely finishes
her drink nervously.
A great scene to take out of context, incidentally.
Back at the hospital, the Doctor decides that the police can't handle
the case, and that he must seek out Hammersmith himself. He's leaving
the hospital in Oldham's hands. When asked why Hamersmith never got to
him, Oldham responds, «I've always prided myself in not having
any sense of humour. I think it would be wrong for a man in my
position.» There follows a bizarre, stream-of-consciousness
dialogue with the doctor interrogating Oldham on what he'll do when
he's gone. It all ends with the Doctor placing a sword on Oldham's
shoulder and knighting him.
I think this scene is meant to establish the Doctor as a threatening
character...but it doesn't really work. I think the main problem is the
fact that he's played by Peter Ustinov. He's just too damned cuddly and
avuncular to be able to pull off «threatening.» He's trying
for Adolf Hitler, but he's giving us John Banner.
But hell, he's also the director, so I guess he can do whatever he
wants.
Ustinov reverts to his unseen voice-over persona, minus the fake German
accent, in which he tells us the following:
With illness abroad in the land,
they acquired a factory, which made many capsules for many
diseases...and many capsules which caused many diseases.
We catch up with Billy in his fancy new office, dictating a letter to
his secretary. Hammersmith arrives, startling the secretary. He removes
Billy's many pornographic rags strewn across the coffee table and
throws them away, replacing them with the likes of The New Yorker.
«They are to be seen, not read,» he explains. He has Billy
explain how business is going, then remarks, again, «It's not
enough. You are going to die.» His plans are to go into action
tonight.
Again Ustinov's voice-over intones:
A rumour started that they were
on a business trip. A rumour started that they were not on a business
trip. And then, on the very morning of payday, it happened. Now that
the American government had compelled the Japanese to open their
frontiers to unrestricted trade, it was the Japanese who took advantage
of the situation and the pill company became a wholly owned subsidiary
of the Sakashima Group; manufacturers of optical lenses, motorcycles,
tankers, electric organs and lager beer. And Billy came out of it with
a capital gain of two billion yen...
Cut to Billy lounging by the side of his pool. Jimmie Jean arrives
dancing and singing, clad in a one-piece bathing suit, a matching brown
wig, a broad brimmed hat, and a matching black-and-white designer silk
scarf and bathrobe. She removes the items one by one until she's only
wearing the wig and bathing suit. She asks him to come swim with her,
but he blows her off brusquely. She then chides him for treating her so
terribly. He responds with, «Well, hell! I'd act like a regular
Little Lord Fauntleroy if you'd do what any slob of a broad's s'posed
to do. Like cookin'.» With which he indicates Hammersmith, in a
chef's hat and barbecue apron, tending to a rotisserie barbecue.
«I...like...cooking!» intones Hammersmith, much in the way
Liz Taylor's character from The
Driver's Seat said, «I...hate...rice!»
Do couples' acting styles become more congruent the longer they stay
together? But again, I digress...
Undaunted, Jimmie Jean dons her flowered vinyl bathing cap, takes a
running jump into the pool, splashing water onto an irritated Billy,
then immediately begins to tread water ecstatically.
«Oh, it's like tomato soup!» she squeals like Dolly Parton
on speed.
A frustrated Billy starts picking his nose, as Hammersmith approaches
and comments, «Billy, if you can't break that habit, I wish you'd
change to the other hand. You have a great many people to greet
tonight.»
Hammersmith has plans for Billy to take over a large oil corporation,
and says that he should have his lady by his side for the sake of
appearances, but Billy has grown weary of Jimmie Jean.
«She's got a nice build and all,» he says, «but
that's the dumbest bitch I ever saw!»
Hammersmith says that others will not think so. «To know you, is
to love her.» As Jimmie Jean squeals like a mouse with its tail
caught in a trap yet again, Hammersmith scowls and shakes his head.
I wonder how much of that was actual acting.
That night at the poolside party, a liquored-up Billy is making out
with cheap floozies. Meanwhile, Jimmie Jean is trading flirtatious
banter with Henry Joe Fitch, Jr. (John Schuck), the Texas oil baron
Billy's supposed to be making a deal with.
A pretty amazing parallel to the Fleetwood Mac (John & Christine
McVie and producer Martin Birch) story. Very prescient story this.
Jimmie Jean entices Henry Joe to come back to her private room, a
tawdry Las Vegas-styled suite with a heart shaped bed with satin sheets
surrounded by mirrors. They're embracing in post-coital bliss, each of
them wearing one of Billy's custom-embroidered satin bathrobes. In one
of the most quotable moments of the entire film, he implores Jimmie
Jean to, «Say somethin' terrible dirty!»
She thinks about it for a second, then looks him straight in the eye
and whispers, «Pee-pee!» Then they start making out some
more.
She promises to marry him if he can get her out of here tonight. She
then laments her situation with Billy and admits, «I'd give
anything to have babies.» Then she blurts out the truth about
Hammersmith, «He don't sell, he takes! He is a murder-er!»
Henry Joe just laughs. Cut to a wide shot, revealing the previously
unseen Billy and Hammersmith listening in on their conversation from
another part of the room, walled off from the boudoir.
Billy has a go at them, verbally, then asks Hammersmith to break their
necks. He refuses to do so until after Henry Joe has signed the papers.
Billy decides he's prepared to beat him up himself, until Hammersmith
knocks him out. He then asks Henry Joe to arrive with his lawyers at 9
A.M. sharp. He waffles, saying that there's lots of legal procedure
that needs to happen before he can sign.
«Was government made for man,» asks Hammersmith, «or
was man made for government?»
He then leaves the lovers to it. Henry Joe thinks that they'll be off
and married by tomorrow night, but Jimmie Jean, rightfully, is a lot
more pessimistic.
And sure enough, as Henry Joe is discussing things with his lawyers the
next morning, along comes Hammersmith in a frogman's outfit bearing a
harpoon. The next shot we see consists of nine Stetson hats floating in
the swimming pool.
Some time has passed when a nasal-voiced, blonde real-estate agent
zooms up in her sportscar. She's showing the Doctor around the
property. When she learns that he has no intention of buying a home,
she snaps at him for wasting her time. He asks who the previous owners
were, and she assures him that they had the best of references.
«Cash?» he responds.
He then states, correctly, that she must have purchased the new car
with the commission she made from the sale.
«Car!» he scoffs, «It's a penis mit
chrome!»
Meanwhile, Billy, at Hammersmith's behest, writes a fat check towards
the campaign of a presidential candidate. When the politician wins, he
makes Billy «Ambassador At Large.» More «dopey
white-trash hick» humour follows, as Billy tells a befuddled
Pope, «I got a Catholic aunt,» and then starts a civil war
in an unnamed Asian nation.
Sound like any politicians we know? Amazingly prescient, this
film.
Then Billy takes up residence in a Spanish castle, where he works on
writing his memoirs (or, more accurately, has them ghost-written). A
bunch of sycophantic Eurotrash types straight out of a Fellini movie
reside here as well. Jimmie Jean is done up in a lacy purple dress,
dripping with jewels, a frosted Marie Antoinette wig atop her head.
Billy wears a leopard-skin outfit, incredibly similar to that worn by
Rainer Werner Fassbinder in his final days.
Incredibly prescient, this film.
Billy tells Hammersmith that he wants Jimmie Jean gone, once and for
all. Once he's certain that this is what he truly wants, he leaves
Billy to chatter with his Eurotrash guests. Hammersmith goes to speak
with Jimmie Jean and tells her, «It's time.» She says she's
allowed one last cigarette, then leads Hammersmith upstairs.
As she drags on her cigarette, she starts a long speech about Billy,
and how he owes all his success to Hammersmith. He suggests that she
leave her mark before she goes. She puts two and two together, and
realizes that he means to impregnate her. In another inadvertently
prescient line, she joyfully yelps, «Oh, I'll be the biggest
mother of all time!»
Mercifully cutting before the prospect of a Liz & Dick sex scene,
we catch up with Billy the next day, challenging one of his guests to a
waterskiing contest. Big surprise: it's all Hammersmith's idea, as
Billy's never been waterskiing in his life. Unsurprisingly, there's a
big crash. But Billy's not killed. He is, however, crippled. When
Jimmie Jean learns he's still alive, she slyly comments to Hammersmith,
«You're slipping.»
Cut to Jimmie Jean, in a stupid black wig with pigtails and an ugly
orange-and-white pantsuit. She's wheeling a wheelchair-bound Billy into
their lavish new digs. She's fantasizing about entertainment, big
parties with lots of guests. Billy poo-poohs the idea, but Jimmie Jean
won't take his crap anymore. «And here's why,» she says as
she unbuttons her long, orange tunic.
«What the hell are you doin' that for?» snaps Billy,
«I don't give a crap if you're gettin' a fat gut!»
Then Jimmie Jean goes into a tirade so perfect, so memorable, I felt
compelled (a la The Legend
of Lylah Clare) to include the whole thing here:
Oh you poor, blind, dumb, stupid
yellow-belly! I am having a baby! Oh man, am I ever knocked-up!
A baby! And my baby is gonna have the best of everything! And you wanna
know something else? It ain't yours. You ain't got it in you! You never
did. That. That's all you're good for. Sitting and whining.
Well, I am going to be the lady of the house...and you
are going to live over there. And when you press the button for
help...I might answer. But then again, I might not. Hammersmith will be
here with me. Who knows? We'll probably be very busy. Yeah, that's
right! It's his! OURS! Your buddy Hammersmith! He'll do anything I tell
him to! Sure! Ooh! Man! Oh, you should have seen him in the
bedroom...oh God! It was marvy! He was a ball! You...monkey
d*ck! Peanut balls! Ah! Well, I simply do not know what to do with
all of my rooms...
As she wanders off fantasizing about interior design, Billy climbs up
out of his chair, shambles forward, grabs an axe and...and...
See the film.
All right, the film is pretty obviously just a B-grade retelling of the
Faust legend. But, in spite of some obvious flaws, it works. The script
is witty and clever and most of the stars are in top form. But I guess
it was just too quirky to find an audience. A pity, as films like this
are perfect midnight-movie material.
If there's a problem with the film, it's with the casting. Taylor (and
to a lesser degree, Ustinov) is pretty badly miscast. She tries really
hard for the white-trash floozy character (too hard, at times, when she
becomes so strident it's obvious she's putting us on), but she's just
too classy, too Liz for us to believe her for a second.
Still, how can you not love a film in which she calls Beau
Bridges «monkey d*ck» and «peanut balls»?
On the other hand Beau Bridges portrays Billy Breedlove as if it were
the part he was born to play. But really, the one performer who stands
out above all others in this film is Richard Burton. He never once
breaks from that brooding «angry not-so-young man of
Shakespeare» delivery, even while tending to his roast pigs in a
chef's hat and barbecue apron. As such, its the perfect instance of an
actor lampooning his own persona. It may not be a great film, but it's
for damned sure a great performance.
So, in short, a pretty fun and intriguing little black comedy, doomed
to the depths of obscurity due to a mega-embarrassing performance by
Elizabeth Taylor. One hopes she regains her sense of humour enough to
allow this one to have a DVD release. I think it deserves it.
