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To my Darling Anita, Lieveling (Sweetheart)
I am writing a letter to tell you how much I Love you.
No words can ever really express the love I have for you, nor the loss I feel at your going. You know the two sides of me; one, which is reality and the other is my spiritual side, made of emotions and inner feelings and is the real me. 
You touched me from the moment I first met you with your special brand of magic and it has forever influenced me in whatever I have done till now and into the future.
We were married only a few short years, when you became ill. I often felt angry and so frustrated, when I could not ease or take some of your pain. It seemed, that my task was to love you, stand by you, seeking the best attention I could possibly get. I was your champion against those incompetents, within the medical profession, who caused needless suffering.
Loving you so much, I also was able to understand, why sometimes, you were wilful, stubborn and impatient and did not want to take care of yourself. I knew the pain was so bad that sometimes that you felt you did not want to continue.
You always said you did not want to be a burden to us. You were never that.
You gave so much, never asking much in return. You preferred not to judge people or things on the negative aspects. You believed negatives were only temporary issues needing only to be sorted out. The positives were the real things in life. You loved people, plants and animals. You were concerned for the environment and the future of the human race.
You loved all of life. You were an angel and a spirit of the earth. You left a lasting impression on those you
touched whether in physical contact or on the Internet.
Your influence will carry on to people for the rest of their life.
Even those who said they did not believe in magic were touched and changed with your special brand of magic. A magic that was not a matter of illusion or tricks, but showed within your goodness and the love of the world around.
I will miss your little walks, around the garden talking to the plants, the birds or fish, or walking with you and looking at what was new among the plants flowering. Sometimes we would just sit in the fern-walk and listen to the birds and watch the garden.
Despite the pain and suffering, you were always ready to lend an ear to others who were suffering. You listened without complaint and talked them through their troubles, whether physical or spiritual.
We have reared a beautiful and close family who will proudly carry on some of your beliefs and philosophy into their own families and life.
We can remember some of the funny ways you made us laugh. We laughed, not in malice, but for the love we held for you. Your translations from Dutch to English that caused you to say some funny things. The way you would sometimes blurt these out and find they meant something different.
The times you took our town to task because some people were dumping live kittens in the tip to starve and die, or be buried alive. You organised people who had cats to bring their cats to you and you negotiated with the local veterinarian to neuter them, at a special discount price for quantity. He was so amused that he agreed.
Your Dutch accent made you roll your "RR�s" so that worms became worrrms with the rolling of the "r". You then decided to call them little snakes and so for the rest of your life, worms were little snakes to us and to those near you. The difficulty you had with the "th" sound and how it would come out as "tie" "English is a silly language" you would say.
I remember your parents telling of how they took the family to the Royal Show when you were twelve or thirteen. You had excitably gone for a walk around the animals and you had come to the pen with the young Black Poll bulls standing deep in straw. You ran back to your parents shouting Mum and Dad, "come quickly; look at the five legged cows". They laughed fondly at you. You also raised friendly smiles and laughter from the farming community visiting the Show.
Your naivet� and unworldly innocence showed. I can also remember the first time you came to the farm and you came with me to round up the dairy cows. The bull was in the middle of the herd and went into the milking yard with the cows. You said without thinking, "what is the bull doing in the milking yard". I looked at you and asked "What would a bull do in the middle of a herd of cows, indeed?". You blushed and told me later that you wished the ground would swallow you. You had not meant it that way. I knew it, but was just teasing you. That was my beautiful Anita.
No wonder you were given the nickname of "Katje" by the people of the Internet. You were surely our little kitten and ageless. You never changed and were certainly my very precious and special kitten:)
Remember the time you cooked 120 pancakes to feed the hungry mouths of the children's friends who had cycled 3.5 miles to the farm. They thought those pancakes were the best pancakes in the world. Even today, now that the children can make their own pancakes, they still claim, "No-one can make pancakes like mum".
I remember the times when you had to go to hospital repeatedly. One hospital in particular, Melbourne�s Cabrini Hospital, where you were a frequent visitor, would see the staff�s faces light up and they would say "so and so" was here for a cancer or some other serious operation and was not coping well.
Hardly taking time to settle into the bed, without further ado, you would visit that person and give something of your spirit and magic, helping them face whatever problems they were encountering. When you were well enough from your own treatment you continued to bring the sunshine in to their lives. Another time when you were a patient, there was a patient, who played classical guitar and classical music. Both you and he played and sang to the patients and brightened the lives of patients and staff alike. When I came to visit the hospital administration people would tell me I would find you in a certain area surrounded by patients and off-duty staff
Your beautiful singing voice, although not powerful was so sweet and pure. It was the voice of an angel. A lyric soprano. The world lost a treasure by your not entering the world of music and bringing your voice to the world. It is my one sad regret I could not get copies of special solo pieces recorded when you were in the choir. Several of these were: - "In a Monastery Garden", "Vellia", (I think that is how it is spelt), and Ave Maria. You sang with beauty and feeling that few professional singers or Divas could. Sure, I am prejudiced, but then others have made the same comment :) The purity of your voice along with the air of magic you were able to create lifted the hairs along the back of our neck. So beautiful, so talented and gifted, with an inner beauty that is seen in but a few.
Because your illness made you dependant on others, I understood your wanting so desperately to show that you could be independent and in control of you life. Entering the world of the web and writing poetry and achieving an interest in graphic art provided you with an area where you could move freely and independently. Even there, you were able to touch so many people and you influenced so many people with your gentleness and goodness. It was always in a loving and positive way.
I am so proud of your tapestries, the petit point and pastel work you did. You were not only talented with that, you could also sew and knit beautifully. You held the knitting needles under your arms and people were ever amazed at the speed you could knit. They would say, "no wonder she will not buy a knitting machine." You also made dolls clothes and soft toys that were in demand for the beauty and finish You were also an exquisite cook and friends and workmates thoroughly enjoyed the meals you prepared. I remember when as a public servant stationed in a provincial city, peers, who had to come there on business, were advised to "try and get an invite to John and Joan's for dinner. She is an exquisite cook."
You loved the garden. We had a lovely garden, and between us we landscaped it to perfection with the curved garden bed, the waterfall and pond.
Yet, strangely all of your life you lacked self-confidence and thought what you did was not important. It was all I could do to encourage you, sometimes by bullying you, cajoling you, using devious means to persuade you and show you and prove to you how very important you were to so many people.
You were especially most important to me. Without you and your support, I was nothing special. You used to say I was clever and a genius (terms you and I agreed to disagree about). To me, you were all of those things.
I enjoyed our talking together, the plans we made. We could talk about all sorts of subjects, yet sometimes we could sit a whole night without speaking, yet have a lovely comfortable time without needing to make conversation. Just that silent conversation between two very close people was enough. Sometimes we would both start to talk about the same things and start on the same sentences as if we were one.
I believe we were mirrors of each other. The same yet different, which is an Irishism if ever there is one, but I know you understand what I am saying. That does not mean that we were as saints or angels, because we are both strong-willed and stubborn. We also had some heated discussions before resolving the question or problem. I think that was also indicative that we were separate thinking individuals, each with our own ideas and thoughts on a subject. Your were not subjective or submissive to me, nor I to you. I believe this was what made each project so successful
We also discussed the different things I was working with, whether people or projects. I could run thoughts and ideas past you and ask your opinion of them. As a result, the outcomes would gain an air of genius, art or whatever you wish to call it.
You were my "minder" and kept me on a level keel. My habit of becoming so involved with whatever I am doing resulted in the fact I frequently forgot the little things I should be noting; like time, and other tasks, etc. that while seemingly minor were still important :) I know it sometimes amused you and sometimes frustrated you but we still loved one another.
Some have said I am tainted with the emotions of a knight in shining armour, ready to tilt at the enemy and protect the vulnerable. Traits, that seem to have rubbed off on our children, along with your own special traits. That is why many of them have become involved with social issues.
I believe I received more from you than I have been able to give. If I could have taken the pain from you I might feel I was giving you something in return. All I could give you was a constant and deep abiding love, be available for you whenever you needed me. To fight whatever battles you were unable to fight yourself.
Without your support and influence, whatever I planned was only a coat. You helped provide the substance, a body and shape to make them work. I love you my darling and will always. I can only wait for the day when we can be together again.
We grieve with your passing, not for the passing, but for the fact you are no longer here to brighten our lives, at least on the physical plane. It may be selfish but we all feel we still need you near us. Even though you are here in spirit, we still wish for your physical presence, at least without your pain and suffering. On the other hand, one should also look with joy that you no longer suffer pain. We would not begrudge you that sort of release.
I, for one, still feel I need you. You are my Lieveling (sweetheart), a child woman. You would often come and cuddle into my arms and look at me with a childlike look seeking love and comfort. I often felt "If only I could take the pain from you and bear it myself." I would have done anything to do that, because it broke my heart to see your suffering. I did what I could for you and was always there to support you. I tried not to deny you anything that might to help you.
I can still fondly see the look in your eyes when sometimes you wanted me to do something special or wanted something. You would look at me with that childlike air of innocence. I knew you were trying to "con" me, but I also knew, you knew I knew what you were trying. We played that little game with love and without malice.
I could go on forever writing of our love and memories. I am also enclosing a copy of something your Dutch Web Master friend Patrick wrote of you. He has at last admitted there is magic. After all that time trying to deny it. J .
You were such a wise little girl, full of understanding and compassion. Be with me in spirit and continue to be my "minder" and guide. An angel - our marriage was made in heaven and to my sorrow, heaven wants you back.
I know you will go to heaven, I have no doubt of that and heaven will gain from our loss. I only hope that your influence and example will continue to spread on this earth. I also hope that god will provide a special place, such as you hold in our hearts. Bye for now my darling. I love you and always will. Until we meet again.
Your friends in Area51 and the others all over the world as well as those close to you send their blessing. I will keep in touch. Love
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