sketches towards a biography...
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my current mood is:
04.07.01, 12.28
haven't really had the time to do much with the website recently, which has been dissapointing but also occasionally understandable and barely acceptable.
i've been doing lots of trading recently because i don't know what's forthcoming in terms of the transplant and stuff. i have loads of pictures from my recent ct scans i might be putting up on the website if i feel like doing so...i have to get them scanned in, so we'll have to see. which reminds...i'm so happy with our new scanner...much facter and easier to use. very very happy bill :-)
what else has been going on...?
donna has saved up for her own computer so there's no more fighting for computer time. it's a 800 mhz celeron, 128 mb ram, 30 gb hd. no super special extras like dvd or cd-rw, but she's happy with it very much. i'll see about putting up a picture of it in our tech section.
not a whole lot more at the moment really...i'll see if i can come up with more later.
np: circus of heaven, yes (from the in the round roio)
03.24.01, 16.49
trying to change my flipping imood thing so i can more accurately express my feelings today. it's not playing along with me. bastard.
today is being a miserable day. donna and i spent almost all of last week fighting, and last night after nearly a week of not fighting, we got into another row. most of it is my fault, as usual. and i'm not saying that to be pissy. it is.
there...changed my imood.
anyway...
so we've been fighting. the stress of my damned cancer treatments and stuff are getting to me too much. people at work have accused me of being abusive to donna, and have urged her to leave me. one of our best friends at work has left to live in australia, and i miss him horribly. i am having a hard time accepting it all again, and despite the huge amount of support i'm getting from people, i'm feeling some things slipping away a little bit. i'm such a wreck...
started taking st. johns wort and echinacea to try and help with emotional/physical health. i'll try anything at this point.
my cd-rw drive crapped out on me, so i am unable to make cd's at the moment. so i spend all day today updating my website, i guess. not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination, it needs it, i haven't updated in almost 2 weeks. loads of stuff to do...
(later)
lemongrass...must remember to use lemongrass when i'm feeling down. i'm doing a little better now that i have the oil burner letting some lemongrass scents into the air. now...must change the music to something more upbeat...
np (and the mo...): soundscapes from robert fripp
about to be np: yes, keys to ascension
03.12.01, 19.52
health = still crappy. i have pneumonia.
car = here. it's nice. it runs. it doesn't make weird noises as it runs. i'll take it.
what's been going on? not a whole lot. we have two sets of plans for sunday night, which entail us seeing one of our best friends at work for the last time before he moves to australia, and then dinner with one of my closest friends from high school for the first time in ages, before they go to england for a vacation.
what else?
hmm...
i've been playing with a really fun program called acid music 2.0, which is a loop-based music creation program. it's been a lot of fun to muck around with, and i'm in the midst of creating a nearly 7 minute long industrial-styled piece. i'll let you know more about it when it's done...maybe put up a soundclip or two...
03.10.01, 16.59
sigh.
car = dead.
money = nil.
health = crappy
we're getting a new car on monday, a 1992 pontiac lemans. white, with slate gray interior. at least it's quiet. i can't ask for much more than that really. it runs, and doesn't sound like a thompson machine gun when it runs. i'll take it. many millions of thanks to my incredible uncle, who offered to and actually did purchase the car for us as we have no money whatsoever.
loads of new music in the mail...something like 15 or 20 disks in the last three or four days. it's fun in extremis.
sinus infection. donna gave herself a concussion. we're all fine (sarcastic).
now watching: pink floyd, pulse (video)
03.01.01, 22.13
beware the ides of march :-)
long tiring day. car failed inspection. general frustration at work even though the day was productive and essentially a good one from a sales standpoint. a lot of music trades coming up, which is nice.
my biggest project recently on the website has been the stortroopers page (see my updates page for a link to it). it's been a lot of fun.
i wish i could write more, but i'm just not up for it. maybe this weekend (i hope)
now watching: ghost in the shell on videotape
02.26.01, 19.47
not a big post tonight, but two cool things...
number one: i am
for the week of 2.26.01 to 3.05.01. click on the picture above to see my profile!
number two: i am now...
blonde.
02.20.01, 16.28
sick. very sick. sicker than sick. i am so unwell it isn't even close to funny. still feeling as sick as i was yesterday. i just wish it'd leave me alone and go away.
today's mucic...discipline, nine inch nails and tori amos. too lazy to change the music to something more appropriate, like requiem by w.a. mozart. sigh. did i mention i was sick today? i did? sorry.
self absorbed as well!
dealt with major pie holes (ok, just one) on a mailing list i'm on. too bad people just can't be nice.
some links for you:
http://www.stor.co.uk/troopers.php http://www.netgoth.org.uk/ http://www.netgoth.org.uk/gothmap/examine.php?person=1979oh, and some pictures as well:
me, before and after chemo and radiation.
np: kmfdm, nihil
02.18.01, 13.19
a day of depeche mode and the cure for me. listening through to a bunch of cd's i haven't listened to in a good long while. also still doing the website update thing...it's funny how once you get started you just keep going and going and going with no end in sight...it's addictive...
one of the nice things i've done is put up the little imood thing above. now i don't need to write about how i'm feeling...you can just look there and see it for yourself. i'm still finding out more about the whole imood thing, in terms of what more i can do with it. i'm sure as i find out you will too.
i've spent the last two or so days really looking at the music i've been listening to, in a more contemplative manner than i usually do. maybe it has something to do with the music pages i've been putting up, i'm not sure.
one of the things i've been thinking the most about (more self absorption) is whether or not i'm going to port over any of my old website to this new one. there was some very good content there, and some things i'm very proud of. but i'm still not sure whether or not it really fits here. that's something i have to put some serious thought into.
i don't know if i mentioned yet or not, but i finished radiation finally. now the doctors are giving me a month off to recuperate and recover from 8 months of chemo and raidiation and stress before looking at the possibility of the stem cell trnasplant. i won't kid you and say that i'm oblivious to everything going on, but i'm trying not to think about it much. i want to feel 'human' for a while, which is something i haven't felt in a long time. and i'll honestly say i'm hoping that i don't have to go through the transplant. the closer the time comes that a decision has to be made the less i really want to go through with it. i know that the cancer will most likely kill me if i don't have the transplant, but...oh, hell, i don't know. let me ramble and froth at the mouth enough i guess...
np: a broken frame, depeche mode
02.17.01, 17.46
recovering from my first actual full week of work in a long time. it was nice actually getting in a full work week...maybe i'm actually beginning to feel normal again! perish the thought...
yesterday was a fraught day. between an overdose of freaky music (least worst of type o negative, and both antichrist superstar and holy wood by the rev. marilyn manson) and the extremely distressing movie bless the child, i was almost done for with sleeping. thank the gods for perscription sleeping aids, without which i'd not have gotten to sleep. shudder again...
work has been interesting as usual. i'll not get into it all, suffice to say that it's...well...work. never the same, but always the same, if you catch my general drift...
as you can see on my homepage i got accepted into another webring, the dark playgrounds webring. it's a goth ring, it's cool, i like it. donna and veronica and i may be going to convergance7 this year in nyc if we can figure out how to get off work and get there...if my health allows. man, being sick really really sux. big time. you have no idea. or maybe you do.
mood...quiet, subdued. yet suffering from some serious anxiety...my legs are bobbing up and down pretty frantically...
sone links o' the day:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/gothicparents
http://members.aol.com/thessalia/rose.htm
http://www.subdimension.com/community/culture/nexusobscure/main.html
let's see...what else can i add to this today...???
oh, yeah...that.
i got to meet bernie worrell (of parliament/funkadelic fame) at staples a day or two ago. it was way cool. he's an incredibly nice guy, but a lot smaller than i had imagined him!
02.10.01, 12.46
picked up a copy of the new Jeff Beck album, as seen above. i've enjoyed JB's guitar playing for better than 10 years (actually longer as i knew of his work with the yardbirds, but his solo stuff since Guitar Shop in '89), and his new album stands up nicely with his older material. what's amazing to me is that he has a definite industrial/electronic sound and style on this album...the opening track, 'earthquake' sounds like it coulda come off of an album by nine inch nails, such is the processing and aggro-sound on it. elsewhere there's loads of fusiony and bluesy goodness. definitely recommended.
in other news...
...i've had too much to think recently. i don't want to go into it, some of it isn't really supposed to be public. needless to say there's a lot of things i need to decide about in the near future, things which will affect me in a number of ways. sigh...
NP: jizz whizz, beck bogart appice (from the beckology boxed set)
02.03.01, 20.29
today has been a busy day with regards to the website. a lot of updates and additions to the site, which makes me happy. i have a little bit of energy so i've really been up for it, which is also nice.
listening to loads of marillion and dream theater today while editing, scanning, designing, finding scripts to add to the page, learning that i'm not afraid of html (though i am afraid of sunlight...obligatory marillion reference...). i had to make major additions to my trading section...wait a minute...this is my journal page, now where i list my updates...so sorry!
let's see, what has been going on?
work related stress: i ended up calling our DM to complain about a fellow associate's deportment while on duty. it's been a huge source of stress for me recently, and I hope the call makes a difference, i really do. it's been difficult because we're so understaffed that we're all having to do extra work that's not in our job description, everyone is getting stressed out and frustrated...it's just a bad scene all the way around. i just want that to be over with...
some bits of good news...
only 8 more radiation sessions left...
disability check came in...finally...
i got my bass guitar...
so there's been some definitely good things happening in my life. for the first time since i was diagnosed with cancer i see some light. we all need some light sometime...
np: heart of lothian, marillion (oxford UK one off show RoIO)
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